Half Way There...

Simple Pleasures...

Leaving the first week of July behind, I am exactly half way into my ordeal. Thinking back over the past two months, I have mixed opinions about the speed with which they have progressed - some days flew by, while some felt endless.

It has gotten easier though, to be alone, however unimaginable I though that would be. Or rather, to be without the man that I love, as I am perfectly capable to be on my own - lets face it,  I have had decades of practice.

In any case, I have settled into and accepted my new reality, developing new routines, trying to find positive aspects of my involuntary solitude. The fact that it takes very little effort on my part to find allure in the mundane helps a great deal and I do fill my life with a multitude of simple pleasures. After all, it is my experience that happiness is made out of short beautiful moments and we are the ones who create them.

I have made a new friend and meeting this delightful woman has made me realize how much I have missed a close girl friend. Due to my cosmopolitan lifestyle, I have not had one for over a decade - not counting some beautiful friendships I made online. Still, there is nothing like being able to physically spend time with someone who lives just a block away and who genuinely enjoys my company. It has been endlessly therapeutic to have another woman to talk to - preferably over a glass of good wine.

My New Friend...

She has made me laugh, cry and contemplate and amazingly 

I am finding novel avenues of thinking thanks to this encounter, learning so much about myself. 

This reinforces my perpetual belief in the importance of seemingly random encounters we make in life and the sensitivity with which we should always approach the people we meet. They all have a part to play in our life and if we give them a chance, vital lessons await to be learned.

I miss my white house much less currently, if at all. Suddenly the returning recollections of marvelous skies and sunsets do not occupy my thinking any longer. I have realized that I love the uncertainty of my future. There have been times in my past, when life seemed so predictable and indefinitely planned. Living in my white house, I knew there was not much new that awaited to be experienced, if I did not choose to make it happen - an idea which filled me on many occasions with a sense of panic.

Today this is no longer the case. I can still feel the rise of panic within me, but that has to do with fear for the safety of the man I love or the need for his presence. At times I curse the profession he holds and the fact that a separation like the current one will be a continuous occurrence in our life. Yet, simultaneously I realize that I love the very essence that his absence will provide. It gives rise to the unexpected, fueling my life with endless possibilities, preventing it from growing mundane and leaving the future open and free. Additionally, I feel endlessly proud to be loved by and to be in love with a courageous man, whose reality is defined by honor, duty, chivalry and competence.

The Celestine Prophecy

Most of my possessions are still in storage and in my solitude I find myself missing some of them, mostly old photo albums and my books. Luckily though, I did take some books with me and the other day I randomly picked up one. When I read The Celestine Prophecy for the first time those eighteen years ago, it was one of the most profound books I ever came across. Today I know it shifted something within my perception and when I return to my own writing, I realize how much it has inspired me in the way I live my life. It will be endlessly exhilarating to read it again - I wonder whether it will still move me in the same way as it did when I was a young, naive woman.

Yes, I am half way there - in my solitude, but also when it comes to the bigger picture - my life. I read recently on the news that I find myself in most depressive stage in it, with the respect to my age. Those younger or older are infinitely more happy.
We are all familiar with the curse of the midlife crises and of course, I too feel its effects occasionally. I do know that certain dreams I have had will never come true, yet I also hold the power to shift my dreams and make new ones.

Looking back I am content with my past and hold no regrets - thus I only dismiss these kind of surveys with a smile. After all, I have always lived my life as an exception to the rule and believe that happiness is a state of our mind, not the state of our age.

My New Stunning Evening Skies...

Touched By An Angel.

I did not grow up with religious views, nor teachings. To attend church was strictly prohibited in the communist east. I was however baptized in secrecy, as my mothers uncle was a priest and my mom always exhibited a deep sense of beliefs, which became part of my life in an unforced way and felt very natural.
I can not claim thus to be religious, however I do carry a golden cross around my neck, I do pray at times and I believe that there is more between heaven and earth than can be explain by simple natural laws. Despite being a scientist, governed by logical thinking, I am also forced to keep an open mind, thus I see myself as a deeply spiritual being believing in the unseen and the mysterious.

Slightly more than a year ago, I decided to change my life.
Very drastically and basically from one day to another. Being stuck in a reality I did not enjoy and in a relationship that was draining me, I felt deeply unhappy and felt a force rising within me on regular bases, urging me to act. Knowing that waiting around for things to get better was futile, I opted to finish that which was already broken and started anew, jumping into the unknown and foreign, even though I was terrified. I embarked on a journey that took me through the most unbelievable twists and turns of fate, making me feel a broad spectra of emotions - anything from deep devastation and sadness to happiness of indescribable proportions.
Simply, I started to live and simultaneously, very interesting occurrences began to take place in my life, as I have described previously.  One of these has been an odd instance of numerology, which continues today still - even in a greater intensity than before - therefore it occupies my thinking, while I am trying to look for answers to this peculiar phenomenon.

I see sequences of numbers. Everywhere and daily.
The sequences wary, but they are there. Every time I gaze at an instrument that displays numbers or time, I see 13:13. Or 22:22. At times 12:34. Often this manifestation becomes very intense if I am worried, anxious or upset about some occurrence in my daily life.
The other day when I was driving home in my old Toyota, I glanced at the display in the panel in front of me. It showed 18:18 18. The first two digits signified time, the last the outside temperature in Celsius. I had to smile and recalled a similar event taking place a few months back, when we drove to Prague to visit my family this past July, when the same sequence was 22.
About twenty minutes later, gazing at the odometer I got to see this; 88988.
It seemed that on that particular day, the number 8 was of significance for me.

My numerous inquiries has led me me to realize that the explanations I seek might be as versatile as trusting this is only a natural statistical phenomenon or the revelation of our subconscious conveying hidden messages to believing that this is indeed a form of communication by someone divine, the angels.
What surprised me mostly during my search was the infinite number of people that seem to be experiencing the same sightings. Hundreds of people out there write about seeing particular sequences as well as seeing random sequences, at different periods in their lives. Even books has been published on this subject and when I mentioned my experiences to my mom this past summer, she read me a passage from one, stating in no uncertain terms that seeing sequences of numbers are the means by which our guardian angles tell us that we are on the right path.

Now, what do I choose to believe.
Perhaps I have been touched by an angel, the one who I have been praying to all those years when I cried myself to sleep. Or perhaps I have just tuned into something that has always been there, gone unnoticed to me before, until my senses became enhanced by life's experiences.
Whatever the explanation might be, one thing is certain - I have never experienced this phenomenon before last year, around the time when I found courage to take leaps of fate. Thus perhaps it is a sign given to me by something divine to trust myself and to trust the path I have chosen in life.
As after all, the result of that change has brought me to heaven on earth.

"Angels are speaking to all of us... some of us are only listening better."
- Anonymous 

Faith, Hope And Love.

When I left the world of writing a few weeks back, it was to return to my life, in order to get accustomed to the new direction in which it was heading.

Since then, new events took place in it, reverting it on course once again. Thus I returned to the familiar old tracks, regressing onto the journey which defined my reality a few months ago, before my life took a drastic turn.
I am back, but I am not the same, nor will I ever be.

I have experienced a loss.
I lost someone I loved, that kind of love that transcends everything and leaves us breathless and makes time stand still.
It was a devastating loss, unlike any I recall, one that left a deep wound in my heart and which in its turn lead to an even greater loss all together. It lead to a demise that I was unprepared for, even though I always deep within knew it could occur. Or rather, I was unprepared for the immense sadness and devastation that surfaced within me, upon loosing something that was mine for such a very short time. And I was truly unprepared for all the other losses that followed in its wake.
The loss of self esteem, loss of self worth and a loss of happiness. I came very close to lose my faith, my belief in love and the worst loss of them all - I almost lost my hope.

I ended up contemplating life and death itself, while I struggled with the emptiness within me and the unfairness of my fate, the self doubt in my abilities and the endless dark abyss staring back at me late at night, when I felt so alone and abandoned, while my thoughts were running wild.

Nevertheless, I made it through this ordeal  - as time in my eyes is too precious to waste away living in sorrow, even though the pain will linger around for a while. With the incredible help and support of a few great people that care about me deeply and due to my strong passion and appetite for life and my conviction that all happens for a reason, I found the old tracks again.

Despite everything, looking back, I have absolutely no regrets. I would not change a thing. I accept all that occurred and all that I went trough, as those are the cards I was dealt and I kept on playing.
When my pain subsided and my tears vanished to clear my view, I realized that all that mattered was that I walked away alive from this moment in time. Something within me did die, but in turn - something else was awakened and reshaped me as a human being.
For the better.

Our interactions, our actions and our decisions have at all times consequences. When we truly live and love passionately and without apprehension, we get a privilege to experience exhilarating happiness, yet risk to simultaneously encounter a deep, devastating pain as well.
Still, I rather have both, then protect myself from experiencing either.

Faith, Hope And Love - when everything else is gone, as long as we continue to carry these within, we have more than enough. Despite my ordeals, ultimately I am thankful that I never lost the most important thing of them all - I never lost myself.

 

(Images: Photobucket )

Footprints In The Sand.

"During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you..."

This Saturday I took a walk on a nearby beach.
It was a glorious spring day and I truly enjoyed the proximity to the vernal sea.
I find so much solace in the open waters, as I inhale the scent of the salty air and listen to the sound of the soft waves, while my eyes trace the misty sea surface where it meets the horizon.

As the sun caressed my face and I walked along the shore, at one point I turned back to see my own footsteps in the supple surf and got reminded of the infinitely enlightening prose about footprints in the sand. I am sure we all know it only too well.
I recall stumbling upon those inspirational words as a young girl and I wrote them down, to revisit them often in my life, when I felt lonely and troubled.

How much they thus resonate with me today, when I feel that I carry so much responsibility on my shoulders and I feel at times so alone and abandoned.
These days my thinking is preoccupied with contemplation that questions life itself. The whole meaning of it and my own existence here as well. My entire being is consumed by a spectra of contradictory emotions. Anything from awe, happiness and incredible joy to sadness, fear and anguish. Having made a decision, one that I do not doubt for a second, yet one that seems to effect so deeply and profoundly someone so very dear to me, is weighing heavy on my heart.

I find I am unable these days to concentrate my thoughts into one single meaningful post, as they are so scattered in so many directions. It is as if suddenly a door has been opened, one that I though was forever closed for me. And as I stepped through the opened doorway, I suddenly knew that my future took a new turn as a defining moment reshaped my life.

Looking upon my footsteps in the soft sand while I took that tranquil walk, I nevertheless came to a true revelation.

Even though I feel lonely, I am not alone.

The recent events have indeed showed me who my true friends are - and I realized that true friendship often comes from the most unexpected places. It also reinforced the importance of my family, that close knit unit, those incredible people who I have known my whole life and who have always been my shelter and my inspiration.

Ultimately, there is this enchanted force, the one that indeed carries me currently through the storm.
Maybe it is divine, maybe it is spiritual. Or yet again, perhaps it is my own inner strength - I truly do not know.
Still, when I looked upon those footsteps, I knew in no uncertain terms that I was no longer alone.
Nor would I ever be.

Destiny.

~ Everything is determined, the beginning as well as the end, by forces over which we have no control. It is determined for the insect, as well as for the star. Human beings, vegetables, or cosmic dust, we all dance to a mysterious tune, intoned in the distance by an invisible piper. ~

Albert Einstein

As a true fatalist, I have always believed in destiny.

In the fact that everything in our lives is to a certain degree predetermined and decided. Perhaps as early as on the day we see the light as newborn, the red thread directing our life’s main destinations has already been spun – if not even before…

Yet contradictory, I have also always been a firm believer in the idea that we all choose the path in which we sail the oceans of our reality, despite the fact that we will arrive at a predestined goal.

We simply are the ones who decide the journey.

As the journey itself can wary in so many ways, it eventually arbitrates the quality and the content of our lives.

The older I get, the more this belief structure rings true in my ears, as my own past experiences reinforce this so clearly.

We have an expression in my native language, which can be translated to the likes of “Forcing One’s Destiny”.

It has a negative ring to it and is used to illustrate the task of pursuing a hopeless goal. An endeavor that is not meant to be, as all the attempts are failing and all the signs are telling us that our efforts are futile.

In those instances it is difficult to know, when - or even if - one should give in and give up.

In certain areas of my life, I have often found myself doing just that, forcing my destiny. Simply pursuing something that was not meant to be. I have been lost on more detours and wrong turns than I care to account for. As a true fatalist, ultimately I always made my peace with the outcome and was thus never left with any regrets.
Then again, there has also been things that came easy to me. The flow of events proceeded effortlessly, each step a success, without too much struggle or obstacles to overcome. Sadly, those endeavors I paid very little attention to - as a human I am flawed and have a tendency to focus on what went wrong, rather then on what went right.

Today as I look back and recollect the travels through my life, I find it amusing to conclude that I could never ever escape my destiny. Everything that I went through, all the failures, sadness, heartache as well as the happiness and the success were leading me to today. All the memorable encounters and all those wonderful mistakes that made me into who I am, these as well shaped the path I traveled. Perhaps if I would have relaxed and gone with the flow, I might have experienced a plethora of adventures of a quiet different kind then those I carry in my recollection - still, I believe I would have found myself exactly here, at this very same spot as I do now.
This realization opens up a brand new avenue in my thinking, making me aware of how little control over my life I actually hold in my hands.

As middle age is knocking on my door and I once again find myself facing a change in my life,  I nevertheless feel oddly at peace as I know that my destiny will guide me through. Having followed my heart and finding myself recurrently in a raging storm, I have decided this time to no longer pursue what is not meant to be, but to follow the signs and look for shelter.

As the restlessness of youth and the energy to go against the wind settles down a bit within my inner core, I am ready to completely surrender to my fate.
However this time I am fully determined to pay more attention to the doors that are open then frantically trying to open those that are locked, as I would love to sail more tranquil oceans on the journey that I have left in front of me.

Yet, in an odd and almost ominous way I sense somewhere deep within, that despite all of this, I am about to embark on the adventure of my life.

~ I seldom end up where I wanted to go, but almost always end up where I need to be. ~

Douglas Adams

~ We are not here on earth to change our destiny, but to fulfill it. ~

    Guy Finley

The Age Of Aquarius.

I have always found astrology interesting, even though I view it more as an enthralling assumption than a credulous fact. I read my horoscope with amusement and I do not believe that my entire personality or my life are tailored by my zodiac sign. Nor am I convinced that star charts can predict my fate.

Likewise I do not pay attention to my suggested astrological matches or advice when it comes to love or personal success, as I simply believe that in these departments we are the true creators of our own destiny.

I do however pay attention to the bigger picture, to the hidden and to messages conveyed by the mysterious world. Whether this can be seen in the stars, in the moon, in the alignment of planets or whether it is infinitely something covertly perceived by our sixth sense - I find this information nevertheless vital.

As a scientist I am a logical being, but as a woman I am perceptive and intuitive, spiritual, creative and sensitive. Coincidence or not, those happen to actually be the main attributes of my sign, the sign of Cancer.

Recently an enigmatic Aquarius has entered my life through a series of intriguing coincidences. Trusting my perception, I can not help but feel that our meeting will most certainly impact my future in a prominent way. In my past I have come across people belonging to almost every astrological sign of the zodiac, yet I have never before met a Water Bearer.
I find this encounter furthermore infinitely significant for one other reason -  ever since I was a teenager, I have been fascinated by the rule of The Age Of Aquarius.

Just the very term itself rings so powerful in my ears and brings me back to my youth and the undying melodies from the movie musical Hair. After watching it I was left endlessly enticed and never forgot those very catching and poetic lines or the wonderful harmonies of "The Age Of Aquarius", composed by "The Fifth Dimension":

When the moon is in the Seventh House

And Jupiter aligns with Mars

Then peace will guide the planets

And love will steer the stars

This is the dawning of the age of Aquarius...

I later learned that those lyrics are poetic license that took quite a liberty when it comes to the scarcity of the moon being in the Seventh House and the alignments of planets - nevertheless, it was after hearing these words sang to that unforgettable melody that my interest for the Age Of Aquarius was born.

Each astrological sign is linked to an Astrological Age - the interesting part is that no one really knows when an age begins or ends. It is suggested though that these ages are directed by the absolute cardinal cycle of our world, the so called Procession Of The Equinoxes, which can span a period of about 25 920 years. This stellar cycle is then divided into twelve astrological ages of the zodiac, meaning that each age is on average about 2150 years long.

Some astrologists believe that currently we are still in The Age Of The Pisces, an age that was suggested to have started during the Roman Empire, at the end of The Age Of Aries, a militant period in our past.
Others though think we have already entered The Age Of Aquarius. And eventually there are those who believe that this age will commence in 2012, coinciding with the end of the Mayan Calender, supporting the "end of the world" and cataclysmic "dooms day" prophecies.

What unifies all beliefs is the definition of this enticing age.
Aquarius is an eminently revolutionary sign, signifying renewal and knowledge. Sometimes called The Golden Age, it instigates a sense of spirituality and progress, a type of awakening of humankind. As Aquarius traditionally rules electricity, this age is defined by scientific discoveries, enlightenment and in many aspects a rebirth of our consciousness, bringing us into a more advanced age in time. Thus it is often linked to the New Age movement that is signified by emphasizing the link between mind, body and spirit.

Whether we are in the Age Of Aquarius or whether we are in a transition between ages, it is obvious that our world is marked by essential changes. The undying optimist and romantic within me likes to believe that we are moving towards an enlightened future. To me 2012 might end the world as we know it, but not by destruction of apocalyptic measures, but rather a transition that greets the dawn of the age of light.

Symbolically, I am hoping that the sudden presence of a beautiful and enticing Aquarius in my own life signifies a pre dawn of my own personal golden age.

A Celestial Event.

With todays celebration of Epiphany (from Koine Greek ἐπιφάνεια, meaning "appearance", "manifestation"), the Christmas is officially concluding. This day commemorates the visitation of the Biblical Magi to the child Jesus.
In my culture, the 6th of January is called The day of the Three Kings and I recall that it meant the absolute end to the joyful Holiday time and a return to the routines of daily life.

All of us are familiar with the story of The Three Magi (Caspar, Melchior and Balthasar), carrying gifts (gold, frankincense, and myrrh) and following the Bethlehem Star, which finally lead The Kings to the infant.
I am intrigued by this tale. The spiritual me rejoices in this event; the scientific me likes to look back in history, searching for facts that would depict it in the heavens, those two thousand years ago.

Was there really a star, or a glowing, moving object in the skies around the birth of Christ?

I am not the only one asking this question. For centuries, the answers have been proposed by theologians, historians, astronomers and laymen.
The primary reference for the Star of Bethlehem is in the Gospel of Matthew, which was probably written around 80 A.D or slightly later. In modern times, astronomers have offered various explanations for the star. A nova, a planet, a comet, an occultation, and a conjunction have all been suggested.
In 1614, German astronomer Johannes Kepler determined that a series of three conjunctions of the planets Jupiter and Saturn occurred in the year 7 B.C; the nights sky of that event can be seen here.
Halley's Comet was visible in 12 B.C and another object, possibly a comet or nova, was seen by Chinese and Korean stargazers in about 5 B.C. A recent hypothesis states that the star of Bethlehem was a supernova or hypernova occurring in the nearby Andromeda Galaxy.

Of course, to those of faith, the Star Of Bethlehem is a magical event, that needs no explanation nor have to be supported by any facts. The magi seem to have been the only ones who saw the star— this further supports the notion that the star of Bethlehem was a supernatural manifestation from God rather than a common star, which would have been visible to all.

After searching for the facts myself, I eventually realized that facts matter very little in this subject. What matters is what we believe. Sometimes a belief is the ultimate proof.
After all; "There where science ends, faith begins."

Flashback Friday: "Everytime We Touch".

I think everyone my age remembers "Moonlight Shadow", one of the big hits of the 80's, composed and performed by Mike Oldfield. It featured furthermore the unforgettable voice of Maggie Reilly, who performed the vocals of the song in 1983.

Although she is best known for her collaborations with Oldfield between year 1980 and 1984, she was also in the pub-rock group Cado Belle, and made one album with them in 1976.

In 1992, Reilly released her debut solo album Echoes, from which the below compilation entitled "Everytime We Touch" is taken. The sound is very enticing and almost ethereal. Her voice is soothing and full of longing and if I close my eyes, the lyrics and the harmonies can take me anywhere in space and time.
One of my all time favorite compilation to dream myself away to...

My Meditation.

I like certain electronic music. I cannot adequately describe why. Nor can I exactly examine it and point out why some of the modern music has an effect on me. This effect is a combination of feelings that relax my mind and set my thoughts free, disconnecting me from my immediate surroundings, even if for just a fleeting moment. It can be compared to a kind of meditation or a reality escape. Everything becomes crystal clear and vivid. However, the right kind of music, combined with a particular beat inspires me also creatively. It is difficult to term this right; I often call this music "ethereal, escapist or airy". It fills a void in space.

We all have different ways we like to relax. Being very emotional in my personality, I feel everything very strongly. Life makes an imprint on me every day. I am very perceptive, for better or worse. Not to suffer emotional overload, I need an outlet for the emotions that arise from impressions. The way I let go is often through creativity but also through listening to music. Certain beat and the way a melody is composed, helps me to just relax and to daydream - it is amazing the places the mind can take me if I let it. I love and need these few hours of complete solitude, preferably while an incense stick spreads its wonderful aroma through the air.
The below is a perfect example of a musical piece that would qualify as an aid in my meditation.

How do you relax? Do you find it necessary to have a moment just for yourself? And can you find the time to enjoy such solitude regularly, despite the stress of every day life and the demands of family and workplace?

My Views.

I live in a magnificent place. I love my house and my home. I am a fatalist to some degree and I believe that certain things are just meant to be. I just know without a doubt that I was meant to find my house and I was meant to live here.

Some things come to us effortlessly; we find ourselves in the right time and in the right place. I often try to be sensitive to that which presents itself for me and try not to miss out on opportunities, which might pass me by just because I am blinded by a hopeless pursuit.
With that said, I do however believe we should not always use fate to justify easy choices; some things in life are meant to be fought for and some do no come to us unless we make an effort.
The difference is to realize in time which ones are worth that battle.

In my life I never took the path less traveled and in retrospect nothing was ever ordinary, although I always wished for it.

My home is a serene place; so are the views from my windows. The below is a plethora of views from my house, which at all times make me marvel over the beauty of nature and remind me of the fact that life is all about simple and small pleasures (please click to enlarge).

Rainy Sunday.

Today is a cloudy and rainy day, perfect for just curling up in front of the television (that now comes with 250 channels) and relax with some reality escapes. Although I am still a bit at loss with what actually is being shown where, I managed to catch a wonderful and most of all colourful movie called "The Darjeeling Limited". Not expecting much, I was pleasantly surprised; it struck me as one of those rare independent movies, although it had a famous cast, among others Adrien Brody and Owen Wilson. The film basically captures - what is suppose to be - a spiritual journey through India, which is undertaken by three brothers, but one that very quickly derails. I would label it as a comedy-drama and I think it is one of these movies that one should see more than once.

Below is an update of my wonderful clematis, which thrives and grows well. Today's rain is a welcome relief for not just my plants but the rest of nature as well.

Strength And Integrity.

"To live with the conscious knowledge of the shadow of uncertainty, with the knowledge that disaster or tragedy could strike at any time; to be afraid and to know and acknowledge your fear, and still to live creatively and with unstinting love: that is to live with grace".
Peter Henry Abrahams

Sometimes I miss my youth.
I miss foremost the feeling of physically "being young".
However, I also miss something else, something much more profound.
I miss the unblemished mindset.
I miss the purity of the heart and soul.

The privilege of youth carries many advantages, the best of them being the luxury of what feels as the endless quantity of time.
Additionally, it also offers the asset of a clean slate. Our life, when we are young, is an empty canvas, with an untouched, unspoiled past.

Today I recall with fondness the way I once was. When my complexion was pristine and smooth, without the traces of years. When laughter would escape my lips more often, then the sobs of pain and when the tears were more absent, than present. I felt strong and capable. Nothing touched me, nothing scared me. I met life head on, although lacking self confidence, I never lacked courage. I viewed my future as an incredible adventure, never focusing on the bad, expecting only the best. My reality was black and white, with no gray areas. I knew right from wrong with conviction. Doing the right thing was always easy.

Over the years, this innocence disappeared slowly. The terms right and wrong became less clearly defined. Many things felt right, but I knew they were wrong. And the other way around. I remember the realization of unfairness. When the outcome of my actions became more significant, when decisions became harder to reach. When the calls I made effected others, when hate displaced love and when I was forced to accept what I felt was wrong and damaging. When I was put into situations that were hurtful and faced with problems impossible to solve. When dreams were crushed and the safety nets removed.

Today I know, that everything we encounter in life, has a meaning, if we are sensitive enough to acknowledge it. In fact I am convinced of it. Bad things will happen to us, it is inevitable. It is all about how we deal with them, that matters.
The magic of my youth is forever gone. But it would be very wrong to say that my integrity or strength has left with it, even though it felt that way at times.

The greatest enchantment that I find in me and others, is the one I can read in the lines of the face. Nothing is more appealing than beauty that comes from experience of a life lived.
I tend not to admire the winners, but the losers who won the prize despite it all, because they never stopped trying. Those, who were tested in the school of life and failed, but did not give in or give up. Those, who despite the obstacles and unfairness they faced, did not become cynical and mean.

It is easy to be courageous, when we have yet not fought.
It is easy to be strong, when the burden of our past is light.
It is easy to be happy, when our memory offers no dark corners.
It is easy to be righteous, when we have nothing to lose.

Authentic strength and integrity lies in the ability to feel happiness despite having experienced pain. In the will to go on, despite obstacles and fear. In the capability to love, through disappointments and rejections. In our capacity to forgive unconditionally those who did us wrong.

It lies in our potential to always continue to dream and hope, at any age, at any time.

***********************************************
In the middle of the most difficult time I can ever recall in my past, when I felt incapable of any control over my life; I heard a song and found incredible comfort in the lyrics. They gave me hope and reassurance of brighter days ahead. This musical piece has a special and important place in my heart. Every time I hear it, I am reminded of the fact that sometimes it only takes a moment in time to set things right.

Just A Child.

There are always lots of campaigns and promo ads on the television encouraging us to help. To help those less fortunate. To save the environment. To help preventing animal abuse and to help protect the nature. On daily bases I feel I am bombarded with images of starving children, abused animals and environmental disasters.
I usually dislike this kind of approach. I feel it is unpleasant, often staged and perhaps emotionally exhausting at times, at least to me. I might be very wrong, but that is my perception.

Recently I caught a glimpse of such an add, or campaign, if you will. However, this one was different. It was real. Or rather, it felt real. It touched something in me, that I can not adequately describe. Unfortunately, while watching it, I was oblivious to the message and therefore, before I knew what it was all about, it was gone.
The image I saw kept returning to my mind forever. I kept thinking about it for days after. It was disturbing and touching in more ways than one, as it depicted a small child in a refugee camp. The child looked abandoned and it was struggling. What was very apparent to me most of all, was the the perception of an adult in the little body. A result of the unimaginable hardship of its every day life. One that leaves little room for toys or play or any kind of childhood; only the hard reality of a terribly disturbed present and a hopeless future. Images like these seem to put my life into quiet a different perspective.
I took me weeks to finally track down the movie clip.
I still think about it every day.

If You Love Someone...

Love is such a difficult subject to discuss, as love is not just irrational and illogical at times, but also very relative. A subject with so many variations and meanings, so very individual, it is difficult to describe adequately. There are many kinds of love; one we feel towards our parents and our children, or the way we feel about good friends and siblings. And of course then there is the romantic love. Yet, love is universal and connects us all, it inspires great artist, writers and talented musicians.

I am sure everyone is familiar with this famous love quote:

"If you love someone, set them free.
If they come back, they're yours;
if they don't, they never were."

I have tried to find the primary source of these words, however it seems to be unknown. There are a few variations of this quote and two authors have been accredited to be the originators of this citation; Richard Bach and Khalil Gibran.

I was very young when I heard this being mentioned for the first time and remember immediately finding a true significance in this sentence. I longed to be free in my youthful nature, when it came to love. I wanted to feel pursued at all times, or the love was not real; hence the object of my affection, that did not quest for me over all in the world was to weak and the love was not meant to be mine.
Most possibly at that time, I have yet not truly loved. Getting older however, this quote has become more difficult for me to understand and to appreciate, as it seems to idealistic and to unreal to be adapted to real life. When we love, even though love can be a consuming emotion at times, all we want is to have the ones we love near us. This applies to any kind of love. We want to cherish and be cherished. The affection of the one makes us better, our lives become richer and their presence makes us stronger. Loving someone means the least of all telling him or her to go away.

Of course, I am fully aware of the fact, that the quote basically warns of destructive and possessive love. One that ignites jalousie, one that confines us, that is uncontrollable, overpowering and impeding. Most of all, the unreciprocated love. However, to me that is not love at all; perhaps an obsession at the best. True Love is unconditional, it is a Love that is returned with the same token it is given and that sets us free on its own.

In my adult life I have found other love quotes, that I feel more appropriately describes my sentiments about love today.

These are the two favourite ones:

“It is impossible to fall out of love. Love is such a powerful emotion, that once it envelops you it does not depart. True love is eternal. If you think that you were once in love, but fell out of it, then it wasn't love you were in. There are no 'exit' signs in love, there is only an 'on' ramp.”
Unknown

"If you love someone, the greatest gift you can give them is your presence."
Thich Nhat Hanh


Finally, if I may be so bold, I would like to add my own variation of the famous love quote, which I believe is more factual, at least in my own life:

"If you love someone,
make sure your love sets them free
and if they truly love you,
they will stay with you forever."

International Year Of Astronomy.

2009 has been selected as the international year of Astronomy. Partly due to the fact that it is 400 years ago (1609) since Galileo gazed at the night skies through the first, primitive telescope, making significant observations.

To the scientist in me this is an intriguing prospect, appreciating the fact that a man in my distant past was driven by the knowledge for the unknown. I like the thought of the existence of such men or women, who dedicate their lives to be different, in order to move the frontiers of science, even if it is ever so slightly.
The skies, the stars and the cosmos have always intrigued me. The mystery of our past and our place in the universe is ultimately an enigma. The never-ending questions of whether we are alone or not. Where do we come from and why are we here?

Sometimes I like to look at the big picture. I have heard that many astronauts change their view of the Earth and their own lives on it, once they have been in space. Seeing it from such a distance, they claim to undergo an almost spiritual experience. They see this small, beautifully coloured object in the jet black sky, realizing suddenly their own – and all ours - insignificance, forgetting all about the drawn borders, conflicts and differences. They see Earth, the whole planet, as their home.

And we might be alone. Or at least separated from other intelligent life through such vast distances, we truly can just as well say we are alone. Not to mention that other intelligent life might look nothing like us. This notion should be significant enough for us to try to appreciate that, which connects us all, not focusing one what makes us different. I often think about this and other subjects, such as the Pioneer 10 and Pioneer 11 spacecrafts, which are hurdling through the space as we speak. They are the longest travelled, man-made object ever; carrying information about us, engraved in plaques and disks. One of them is just about to leave our solar system. Pioneer 10 is destined for the star Aldebaran, which it will reach in 2 million years.

I have received another gift from - you know who, right? It is filled with wonderful pictures of space and our planet, one picture for each day of the year. I will try to post the most alluring ones here, during the course of the this year, "the year of Astronomy".

For The Lonely And The Sad...

Christmas. The word in Slovak is "Vianoce" and in Swedish "Jul". In all these languages, the word evokes emotions of happiness, peace, love and joy in me. I have kept those feelings to this day and for that I am grateful.

I remember the sensation so well, the one that encompassed my whole being when I was a little girl and I awoke on the morning of Christmas Eve. This was the day in my childhood, when Christmas was celebrated with traditional dinner in the evening, followed by opening of presents under the tree. I recall the feeling of ultimate happiness and excitement. Sorrow and sadness were absent and foreign. I felt safe and loved. Christmas Eve was one of those occasions when the unconditional affection of my parents and my sister and the joy of being with my family grew more evident than ever.

I must have been in my late teens when I first became aware of the fact that many perceived this time as a sad time. This revelation developed into more than a fact a few years later as a result of listening to a song that was played on the radio one winter, long time ago. It was a Swedish song entitled “For the lonely ones…”, a beautiful melancholic piece. I was stunned and in disbelieve and I remember clearly the lack of comprehension in regards to the text. Indeed it was so beyond belief to me that someone could be sad at this wonderful time of the year, that I dismissed it from my mind and decided not to preoccupy myself with something I clearly did not understand, nor was I ever going to experience.

Today I am feel incredibly blessed by the fact that I really never needed to experience this. Life has - so far - indeed spared me heartaches and sorrows which would have forced me to live the sentiments of the lyrics I heard as a teenager. Over the years, I have more than fully gained a true comprehension of the text and developed a compassion for others that were not as lucky as me. Those to whom the holiday season means loneliness and poverty; whether the shortage is monetary or emotional.

I would like to, with all my heart, dedicate this post to everyone out there, whose Christmas is sad and lonely, whose heart is breaking and who cannot find comfort in the company of family or friends. To those, whose painful memories makes this a difficult time and to those, whose loved ones are far away or not around anymore. To those, who have the wish, but not the means to be able to give gifts or to provide a Christmas of their dreams. My wishes go to all of you, who the song I once heard long time ago, was about. May you have a Merry Christmas despite it all and may you find a moment of light in the darkness. May a kind word or an act of compassion disperse the feelings of hopelessness and despair for just a moment.
May you encounter love and joy, which is so representative of the season.


Chorus from "Till de ensamma" (by Mauro Scocco)

Det här är en sång för alla dom,
som aldrig hittat nån att dela sin glädje och sorg med.
En sång för alla dom,
som inte kommer hem till nångon som frågar hur det är.
Den här sången är till dom...

Translation:
Chorus from "For the lonely ones" (by Mauro Scocco)

This song is for all those,
that never found someone to share their joy and their sorrow with.
A song for all those,
that have no one who cares, to come home to.
This song is for those...

Salt and Pepper.

This weekend I was looking for a particulate Christmas ornament and I found a “salt and pepper” shakers set in one of my cabinet drawers. Well, I did not find it, as I knew it was there, but seeing it again brought back sentimental memories.

I was 24 years old when I set on a journey that took me not just away from my family and friends, but also my hometown, the country I grew up in and – away from Europe. I left the continent I called home and relocated to America. I do not think I was really aware of what I have done until the TWA plane landed in JFK airport on a cold January afternoon. I felt a bit lost. I remember clearly how alone I felt, when I tried to buy a soft drink at the airport with $50 bill. The guy at the stand stared at me suspiciously and finally handed me the bill back rudely and said that he only takes one-dollar bills. I said that $50 bills were all I had, as that is what the (stupid) bank gave me when I exchanged my currency in Europe.
My last salary I ever received in Sweden came to $300 and that was given to me in $50 bills. My plan was to live on this amount for the first few months after my arrival in North Carolina. Yes, that is what I thought. I think that money was all spend immediately as a deposit on setting up a bank account. But that is another story entirely. In any case, I had to go thirsty.

I was completely exhausted when the turbo prop I traveled on from NYC finally landed in Raleigh airport, where my new employer, who I never met and whom I only talked to on the phone a couple of times, picked me up.
In the morning the next day when I woke up in a hotel room I finally broke down when I unwrapped the last gift given to me by my mother; two cute pigs, making up a salt and a pepper shakers set.

In some odd way they remain to this day a symbol of the notion that life is what we make it. The meals life will serve us might at times –most of the time - taste of nothing. It is up to us to spice them up.
Someone once said, that in life we never get what we want the most of all. Well, perhaps that is true. I however firmly believe that we hold the power to spice up what ever we get.

Time, Like A Snowflake...

"Time, like a snowflake, disappears while we're trying to decide what to do with it."
Unknown

I wrote this down when I was a young girl, as already then I perceived this sentence to be somewhat profound. There are numerous quotes about time, possibly much better than this one. Still, I have always liked this one best, as it is simple, yet poignant.

The fleeting time. A term of total contradictions in every way. We seem to either be out of it, or not know what to do with it. It can be happy, or sad. It does not wait, yet sometimes it seems not to move at all. It holds no remorse or affirmations, but it awards promises of second chances. It is unforgiving and precise, still it kindly sweeps away painful memories while healing our heart and soul. It is subjective, relative and very individual. And it is constant.

I have been thinking a great deal about time lately; contemplating the fact that a day, a week or a month seem to be much shorter than I remember when I was young. Not to talk about years. What happened to the length of years? As a child, I defined a year by birthdays and Christmases. When one celebration was over, it took FOREVER before the next one arrived. Today it seems as if it is always Christmas and I can't bear adding yet another candle to my birthday cake. Well, actually, at this point, there is no room for any candles. And has not been for a while. No cakes either.
Someone once told me, that the length of a year is decreasing with age, as it becomes a shorter period of our total life span. That is one possible explanation.

I have mixed feelings about getting older. I enjoy being wiser and more experienced. I relish being more relaxed and comfortable in my own skin. I love to know who I am and I enjoy the self-confidence. At the same time, although I accept it, I find it distressingly objectionable that physically I am declining. Mentally I feel young, but physically I look old(er) and as such I am perceived by those who are young. I also find it more difficult to take major decisions, as some decisions have grave consequences. Gone are the times when things could just be done again. If something did not work or failed, there would be another opportunity. I could do it again. Today, repeating certain things or getting another shot at something is not easy. Actually it is often no longer possible. Time will not forgive my mistakes as easily as twenty years ago.

Then there is the whole subject of looking back. Trying to assess ones life and be the ultimate judge of ones achievements. That has never worked for me and today I have stopped trying. There are aspects of my life, to which I paid no attention and in this area I have flourished. I flourished beyond belief. It took me a while to start appreciating those parts of my life, as I used to only focus on what went badly wrong. I focused on broken dreams and unfulfilled goals. Scrutinizing the paths I took and contemplating whether they took me where I wanted to be. Often they did not. Or at least it seemed that way to me.

My life has so far certainly been quiet different to what I imagined it would be long time ago, when I was a little girl. I have won and lost, I have been happy and in deep despair. I have met wonderful people that changed and defined me, but I have also been hurt and mislead. I have been flying with the eagles and have fallen into gutters, nonetheless, I never lost the sight of the stars.
I would not trade my life or change the past, even if I had the chance. Time has certainly showed me that I have done the best I could with what I was given. My mistakes as well as my triumphs are part of who I am. Although I am a fatalist to some degree, I also believe firmly that I hold the power to bring on changes and alterations in my life when needed. I can find new directions and opportunities if I just look; time has shown me that too.

Someone once said, that life is as a large ocean and we are the ships sailing it. Our destination is predetermined, but the journey is not. We create the voyage.
I have enjoyed the trip so far, even though every day seem shorter, every week goes faster and every year leaves a new trace on my face. And I am convinced the best is yet to come.

Incense.

The scent of burning incense evokes a mixture of feelings in me. Not just a sense of serenity, but it also induces the mysterious, enigmatic and spiritual. Burning of incense reminds me of small alternative shops selling magic healing stones, tarot cards and astrology books.
But it also reminds me of home.

About a decade ago I was without a home for about 6 months. I was forced to move around, like a vagabond. Every two weeks, I had to pack my belongings into my small car and move. It was a depressive time, which I do not recall fondly.
I hated the constant change and the fact that I did not have a safe, secure place –a home- to return to. I hated the uncertainty of my situation and the helplessness of being unable to change it. But I had one thing that was constant and familiar – the burning of incense. Every time I moved to a new place, I lit the incense and the familiar scent spread around, putting my senses to ease, making each new place less estranged, making that place a home, even though only a temporary one.

Today I still enjoy this little ceremony, as it reminds me of how fleeting everything in life is and how easy we can loose the things we own and hold dear.

The Mysterious World.

As scientist, I am forced to keep an open mind. But, concurrently, I am bound to approach everything with scepticism and encouraged to question what I experience. I am compelled to use logical deduction and only trust my results, as long as they can be supported by proof. Every experimental conclusion in my work is subjected to a vigorous critique and re-evaluation and has to be proven beyond reasonable doubt to be accepted as true.

But, with that said, as soon as I am outside the scientific environment, I perceive the world around me in a quiet different way. To some degree, anything mysterious intrigues me and I do not need proof to believe. I rely heavily on my intuition, my creativity and artistic mind and interpret the world and the people around me using my instincts only. I have been told that I am sensitive and perceptive and am - for better or worse- completely governed by my emotions. I believe strongly that not everything we encounter follows the laws of physics and that some things between heaven and earth are not meant to be explained. In fact, I actually need to believe this, as the perception of the world being mysterious and spiritual is what is at the very core of my being.
My imagination is immense and my awareness for what is hidden has been instrumental in my work, as I can see things from many perspectives and pay attention to details. Therefore this has never been a hindrance in my work, quite the contrary; to me these two are connected in more way than one.

I have a need to believe that miracles happen every day. It doesn’t have to be supernatural enchantment, just simple act of goodness when it is least expected and from an unanticipated source.
It is the check that arrives when money is scarce; it is the twist of faith that brings our way salvation, when all our cards have been played or the second chance we get when all our luck has run out. It is the hope that we feel when despair is consuming us and it is the way we never give up, no matter how dark the prospects are. It is the joy we feel when our prayers are answered, no matter what or whom we pray to. It is the infinite power of hope and the love we are able to feel towards each other, through all the horrors and pain that fills the world at all times.

I often gaze at the sky and the stars and wonder, how human kind has for centuries turned to them for answers. It often brings me back to a quote I wrote down as a young girl:

"The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and all science. He to whom this emotion is a stranger, who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead: his eyes are closed."
Albert Einstein