I am Titanium.

I love to write my reflection's posts in the early mornings or late in the evenings, when there is that certain stillness in a day. Currently, the white nights offer a late evening tranquility, which is saturated by tangelo skies and the absence of darkness, prolonging our days considerably.
Additionally, the weather gods have granted us our first summer week of the year, bestowing upon us uncanny hot days and warm nights. These enable me to sit out here, on our terrace, in the silver twilight, listening to the soft sound of crickets and watching the illuminated, albeit obstructed horizon in my view. The air is saturated by the perfumed scent of blooming lilac and moist with dew.

In a few days, May will end.  I have mixed feelings about the conclusion of this last spring month. In my eyes it is one of the best months of the year, as it is so defined by life and growth, by vibrant colours and by light. It carries so much optimism and a promise of the best to come and usually I relish in its beauty, wanting it to last forever.
This year however May was a month I dreaded. The sorrow of farewells at its onset made me wish it would never come and when it finally did, that it would pass quickly. I truly disliked the prospect of its thirty one days.
Yet here we are, barely a week away from what I once feared would take an eternity to reach. In hindsight I realize that it has passed faster than I expected. I have settled into new routines and have accepted my new reality. It is not always easy and some days are better than others. I do still go through sleepless nights full of worries about the safety of the man I love, when I have no one to turn to for comfort, but my self, despite the support of so many wonderful people in my life. Yet I also do have days when I feel strong and capable, feeling time works in my favour, knowing that the end of my ordeal will come. And beyond that end is a beginning to the best part of my life.

Apart from hearing the voice and seeing the face of my handsome husband that I love endlessly, three elements are currently responsible for making my days flow with ease; sunshine, warmth and nature. I have started small garden projects and once again the therapy of gardening becomes so very obvious in my recollection. There is something very reassuring and revitalizing in planting something and watching it grow.

Observing our wild garden through out the winter, I secretly spun plans on which flowers would best suit its large proximity. I realized that what I missed most from my previous residence was the variety of vines, blooming and scented or evergreens. Particularly that stunning clematis, which grew against the fence of my terrace at the white house. Those cobalt blue flowers that in July - August covered the south wall like a veil of blue. Inspired by its beauty, I planted a baby clematis of the same kind against our terrace and I love to look at its growing progress. It is subtle, but it is there. It will take a few years before its beauty will match the one I recall, and we might not even live here by then, but that is something I refuse to worry about.
I have also become slowly acquainted with our lawnmower - we are getting along better by each week. Mowing the lawn is something I dread and love simultaneously. This love/hate relationship has many origins. I love the physical challenges of the mowing itself and the scent of fresh cut grass is one of the best natural perfumes I know. Yet I dislike with all my beings the disposal of the cut grass. It accounts for many heavy sacks and many drives to a nearby recycling station in my husbands large car, which I feel not comfortable to drive in nor to navigate through the narrow lanes of the station. Nevertheless, I view this as a challenge that makes me grow and as weeks pass by I know it will get easier - until one day it is just another chore that needs to be done.

Yet, my driving skills have certainly improved over the last year, as I slowly and surely accumulate thousands of miles behind the wheel, due to my very long daily commute. As some of you might recall, my old "green lighting" and I parted our ways this winter and in its place the "BlueMotion" has entered. It is actually a term for the technology which fuels and powers this beautiful anthracite coloured car of mine, making it fuel efficient and environmentally friendly. I LOVE that car. It is my best friend and my sentinel, as it takes me safely everywhere. At times it feels as if it can truly fly. Just a touch at the gas pedal and it takes off so effortlessly through the landscape, like a silver bullet, leaving everyone behind. It is a feeling unlike any other and has redefined the way I feel about driving.

Its colour reminds me of titanium. As of lately, I have become fascinated by this metal. It comes across as the color of coal mixed with silver. By definition, it is very light and soft,  yet very, very strong.
We chose to have our wedding rings made of this metal. Every day I look at that band on my finger and I relish in its simple beauty, while the chorus of one of my favorite dance songs resonates in my mind;  
"I Am Titanium".
I love the symbolism behind ideal of a love that is gentle and soft yet tensile strong - or of human trait of the same kind. The one that bends in the strong winds, yet withstands the fury of its gusts, remaining intact through the storms of life.

I am Titanium... or at least I long to be.

Faith, Hope And Love.

When I left the world of writing a few weeks back, it was to return to my life, in order to get accustomed to the new direction in which it was heading.

Since then, new events took place in it, reverting it on course once again. Thus I returned to the familiar old tracks, regressing onto the journey which defined my reality a few months ago, before my life took a drastic turn.
I am back, but I am not the same, nor will I ever be.

I have experienced a loss.
I lost someone I loved, that kind of love that transcends everything and leaves us breathless and makes time stand still.
It was a devastating loss, unlike any I recall, one that left a deep wound in my heart and which in its turn lead to an even greater loss all together. It lead to a demise that I was unprepared for, even though I always deep within knew it could occur. Or rather, I was unprepared for the immense sadness and devastation that surfaced within me, upon loosing something that was mine for such a very short time. And I was truly unprepared for all the other losses that followed in its wake.
The loss of self esteem, loss of self worth and a loss of happiness. I came very close to lose my faith, my belief in love and the worst loss of them all - I almost lost my hope.

I ended up contemplating life and death itself, while I struggled with the emptiness within me and the unfairness of my fate, the self doubt in my abilities and the endless dark abyss staring back at me late at night, when I felt so alone and abandoned, while my thoughts were running wild.

Nevertheless, I made it through this ordeal  - as time in my eyes is too precious to waste away living in sorrow, even though the pain will linger around for a while. With the incredible help and support of a few great people that care about me deeply and due to my strong passion and appetite for life and my conviction that all happens for a reason, I found the old tracks again.

Despite everything, looking back, I have absolutely no regrets. I would not change a thing. I accept all that occurred and all that I went trough, as those are the cards I was dealt and I kept on playing.
When my pain subsided and my tears vanished to clear my view, I realized that all that mattered was that I walked away alive from this moment in time. Something within me did die, but in turn - something else was awakened and reshaped me as a human being.
For the better.

Our interactions, our actions and our decisions have at all times consequences. When we truly live and love passionately and without apprehension, we get a privilege to experience exhilarating happiness, yet risk to simultaneously encounter a deep, devastating pain as well.
Still, I rather have both, then protect myself from experiencing either.

Faith, Hope And Love - when everything else is gone, as long as we continue to carry these within, we have more than enough. Despite my ordeals, ultimately I am thankful that I never lost the most important thing of them all - I never lost myself.

 

(Images: Photobucket )