Current Reflections.

I have been somewhat absent from my writing here, for which I apologize. The will is there, the time is simply not.
When I left the single life behind a few months back, I left a lot of free time behind as well. Nevertheless, it is a loss I do not miss the least. On the contrary, I have never lived life so intensely as I do now and yet I feel so much has the potential to still unfold.

I find myself currently in a state of content. It is a novel feeling for me. This does not mean that I lack worries or problems, oh, a far cry from that I must admit. As of lately I struggle with our persistently and increasingly declining personal economy, trying to keep two homes, one close to unsellable.
However, it seems not to weight me down too much nor does it keep me sleepless. Why? Because when fears overcome me, I have always a broad shoulder to cry on and strong arms to support me. And a kind, steady voice to reassure me that everything is - and will be - fine. At last I have a man in my life that makes me feel safe, because he is just like me; believing in the same values and seeing life as an endless adventure, one that needs to be lived and savored. He never makes anything into a problem and he makes problems into nothing.

I have realized that in life we never get it all. At least not simultaneously. There is always that last part that needs fixing. I guess that is destiny's way of keeping us on our toes. Giving us something to learn at all times. If we only persist and never loose hope and a positive outlook, the lessons we learn will lead us to places of incredible success.

I have also come to the conclusion recently that we need so little of material possessions in our every day life. I have now lived for months in my new home and all I have brought with me from the white house are some of my clothes and personal belongings. And I miss nothing of my "stuff". Every time I visit the house and see all those items that I have collected over the years, I wonder why I kept so much junk. Why do we do this? Why do we surround us with things we never use? Perhaps it gives us some sort of security, makes us feel connected to our life and to our past. Small trinkets and gifts we do not want to discard due to sentimental reasons, and perhaps the idea that they might come to use at one time. They usually never do.

Do you feel you know yourself?
I thought I did, but honestly, I do not. Sitting here today, recollecting the past year and all that I have done, I have ultimately surprised myself. I have changed so much in such a short time and my priorities have been totally redefined. However, I do not think it is a tragedy at all. On the contrary, I think not knowing what we might be like or want in a few years (maybe even a few months) is what keeps life interesting. It is a sign of an ongoing personal change. To have it all figured out at any time in our life would make for an infinitely boring existence.

Finally, I have decided to pay attention to signs all around me. I have always done so, but I have become infinitely more sensitive to what the universe is trying to tell me, whether I will be ridiculed for this or not.  The other day when I was driving from work, consumed by anxious thoughts, I looked out to see an incredible rainbow.  I found consolation in its glorious beauty as the arch put my mind to ease.

Thus I am no longer scared of pain or set backs, as I know that after the rain the sun will eventually come out. And during the transition time, the reward for our endurance is a glimpse of an alluring rainbow.

Phoenix Rising.

My adulthood has always been an endless cycle of ups and downs. As high as I fly, as deeply do I fall and I seem never to be able to enjoy a smooth, event-less flight. In no uncertain terms - I am the one who make my journeys progress this way and even though I at times long for something stable, everlasting and substantial, I am not quite sure whether I would find satisfaction in the calm waters I encounter while I sail the oceans of my life.

However, I often wonder if this might be due to one simple reason; I am yet to find a harbour that I would like to anchor in for extended period of time. I am still looking for that place of magic, of which existence I am certain, yet which my restless heart has not located. Therefore I find myself embarking on new adventures times and times again. I get lost in raging storms at sea constantly - still - as soon I find my bearings, my mind is already looking for that endless horizon, setting my sails to the wind.

Thus bouncing back and moving on has become something I am at this point highly proficient at – whether it is due to practice or just a simple resilience and a passion for life that I harbour within.

My personality thankfully makes these transitions somewhat smooth and almost effortless. Just like a true cancerian, when threatened and in danger, I withdraw into my shell, devoid of interference from others – but for what feels to many only an instant. Quickly emerging seemingly unharmed I posses the talent to rapidly move on. I do not linger too long with yesterday and I do not shut myself away from the world, sitting in darkness licking my wounds for months, questioning the cruelty of fate and life’s unfairness.
No, not me. Like the majestic phoenix, I rise from the ashes instantly and powerfully, as that is the only way I know how to recover.

Perhaps I bounce back so easily, as I never shun away from anything while I am in the process of living through my ordeals. I deal with every situation as it unfolds, right then and there. I follow my heart and my instincts and I always put myself in the line of the fire. I let myself be swept completely by my emotions, giving into them with a fiery passion, never holding back. I risk everything and I give my all, walking away from every battle - even the ones I lose - with a sense of victory.

Looking back at my past, I hold no regrets. It is my personal belief that the ultimate magic of living lies not in the success stories, but in the experiences born from events that went terribly wrong.
I am endlessly inspired by others, who just like me had to endure failures, over and over again, yet never lost their optimism, kindness nor integrity. Those who never became cynical or disillusioned and who despite their experiences refuse to live with caution and in fear.

As I move on for the millionth time, the pain of my recent losses is slowly turning into a plethora of bittersweet memories. No longer willing to offer my time or the energy of my thoughts to people that do not deserve them, I step out of my past, refusing to waste even a single moment of the magic that is my present.

Ultimately, I am ready to once again lay my gaze upon the endless horizon that is my future, as I set my sails anew, embarking on a pristine journey. At the present, I watch the brilliance of a fresh and enticing adventure, as it unfolds slowly in my view, beckoning me to give into it's allure with all my being.
And thus I set out, forever hopeful and eager to find that enchanted harbour of my dreams...

“One day your life will flash before your eyes. Make sure it is worth watching."
Unknown

(Images: Photobucket)

Destiny.

~ Everything is determined, the beginning as well as the end, by forces over which we have no control. It is determined for the insect, as well as for the star. Human beings, vegetables, or cosmic dust, we all dance to a mysterious tune, intoned in the distance by an invisible piper. ~

Albert Einstein

As a true fatalist, I have always believed in destiny.

In the fact that everything in our lives is to a certain degree predetermined and decided. Perhaps as early as on the day we see the light as newborn, the red thread directing our life’s main destinations has already been spun – if not even before…

Yet contradictory, I have also always been a firm believer in the idea that we all choose the path in which we sail the oceans of our reality, despite the fact that we will arrive at a predestined goal.

We simply are the ones who decide the journey.

As the journey itself can wary in so many ways, it eventually arbitrates the quality and the content of our lives.

The older I get, the more this belief structure rings true in my ears, as my own past experiences reinforce this so clearly.

We have an expression in my native language, which can be translated to the likes of “Forcing One’s Destiny”.

It has a negative ring to it and is used to illustrate the task of pursuing a hopeless goal. An endeavor that is not meant to be, as all the attempts are failing and all the signs are telling us that our efforts are futile.

In those instances it is difficult to know, when - or even if - one should give in and give up.

In certain areas of my life, I have often found myself doing just that, forcing my destiny. Simply pursuing something that was not meant to be. I have been lost on more detours and wrong turns than I care to account for. As a true fatalist, ultimately I always made my peace with the outcome and was thus never left with any regrets.
Then again, there has also been things that came easy to me. The flow of events proceeded effortlessly, each step a success, without too much struggle or obstacles to overcome. Sadly, those endeavors I paid very little attention to - as a human I am flawed and have a tendency to focus on what went wrong, rather then on what went right.

Today as I look back and recollect the travels through my life, I find it amusing to conclude that I could never ever escape my destiny. Everything that I went through, all the failures, sadness, heartache as well as the happiness and the success were leading me to today. All the memorable encounters and all those wonderful mistakes that made me into who I am, these as well shaped the path I traveled. Perhaps if I would have relaxed and gone with the flow, I might have experienced a plethora of adventures of a quiet different kind then those I carry in my recollection - still, I believe I would have found myself exactly here, at this very same spot as I do now.
This realization opens up a brand new avenue in my thinking, making me aware of how little control over my life I actually hold in my hands.

As middle age is knocking on my door and I once again find myself facing a change in my life,  I nevertheless feel oddly at peace as I know that my destiny will guide me through. Having followed my heart and finding myself recurrently in a raging storm, I have decided this time to no longer pursue what is not meant to be, but to follow the signs and look for shelter.

As the restlessness of youth and the energy to go against the wind settles down a bit within my inner core, I am ready to completely surrender to my fate.
However this time I am fully determined to pay more attention to the doors that are open then frantically trying to open those that are locked, as I would love to sail more tranquil oceans on the journey that I have left in front of me.

Yet, in an odd and almost ominous way I sense somewhere deep within, that despite all of this, I am about to embark on the adventure of my life.

~ I seldom end up where I wanted to go, but almost always end up where I need to be. ~

Douglas Adams

~ We are not here on earth to change our destiny, but to fulfill it. ~

    Guy Finley