I am Titanium.

I love to write my reflection's posts in the early mornings or late in the evenings, when there is that certain stillness in a day. Currently, the white nights offer a late evening tranquility, which is saturated by tangelo skies and the absence of darkness, prolonging our days considerably.
Additionally, the weather gods have granted us our first summer week of the year, bestowing upon us uncanny hot days and warm nights. These enable me to sit out here, on our terrace, in the silver twilight, listening to the soft sound of crickets and watching the illuminated, albeit obstructed horizon in my view. The air is saturated by the perfumed scent of blooming lilac and moist with dew.

In a few days, May will end.  I have mixed feelings about the conclusion of this last spring month. In my eyes it is one of the best months of the year, as it is so defined by life and growth, by vibrant colours and by light. It carries so much optimism and a promise of the best to come and usually I relish in its beauty, wanting it to last forever.
This year however May was a month I dreaded. The sorrow of farewells at its onset made me wish it would never come and when it finally did, that it would pass quickly. I truly disliked the prospect of its thirty one days.
Yet here we are, barely a week away from what I once feared would take an eternity to reach. In hindsight I realize that it has passed faster than I expected. I have settled into new routines and have accepted my new reality. It is not always easy and some days are better than others. I do still go through sleepless nights full of worries about the safety of the man I love, when I have no one to turn to for comfort, but my self, despite the support of so many wonderful people in my life. Yet I also do have days when I feel strong and capable, feeling time works in my favour, knowing that the end of my ordeal will come. And beyond that end is a beginning to the best part of my life.

Apart from hearing the voice and seeing the face of my handsome husband that I love endlessly, three elements are currently responsible for making my days flow with ease; sunshine, warmth and nature. I have started small garden projects and once again the therapy of gardening becomes so very obvious in my recollection. There is something very reassuring and revitalizing in planting something and watching it grow.

Observing our wild garden through out the winter, I secretly spun plans on which flowers would best suit its large proximity. I realized that what I missed most from my previous residence was the variety of vines, blooming and scented or evergreens. Particularly that stunning clematis, which grew against the fence of my terrace at the white house. Those cobalt blue flowers that in July - August covered the south wall like a veil of blue. Inspired by its beauty, I planted a baby clematis of the same kind against our terrace and I love to look at its growing progress. It is subtle, but it is there. It will take a few years before its beauty will match the one I recall, and we might not even live here by then, but that is something I refuse to worry about.
I have also become slowly acquainted with our lawnmower - we are getting along better by each week. Mowing the lawn is something I dread and love simultaneously. This love/hate relationship has many origins. I love the physical challenges of the mowing itself and the scent of fresh cut grass is one of the best natural perfumes I know. Yet I dislike with all my beings the disposal of the cut grass. It accounts for many heavy sacks and many drives to a nearby recycling station in my husbands large car, which I feel not comfortable to drive in nor to navigate through the narrow lanes of the station. Nevertheless, I view this as a challenge that makes me grow and as weeks pass by I know it will get easier - until one day it is just another chore that needs to be done.

Yet, my driving skills have certainly improved over the last year, as I slowly and surely accumulate thousands of miles behind the wheel, due to my very long daily commute. As some of you might recall, my old "green lighting" and I parted our ways this winter and in its place the "BlueMotion" has entered. It is actually a term for the technology which fuels and powers this beautiful anthracite coloured car of mine, making it fuel efficient and environmentally friendly. I LOVE that car. It is my best friend and my sentinel, as it takes me safely everywhere. At times it feels as if it can truly fly. Just a touch at the gas pedal and it takes off so effortlessly through the landscape, like a silver bullet, leaving everyone behind. It is a feeling unlike any other and has redefined the way I feel about driving.

Its colour reminds me of titanium. As of lately, I have become fascinated by this metal. It comes across as the color of coal mixed with silver. By definition, it is very light and soft,  yet very, very strong.
We chose to have our wedding rings made of this metal. Every day I look at that band on my finger and I relish in its simple beauty, while the chorus of one of my favorite dance songs resonates in my mind;  
"I Am Titanium".
I love the symbolism behind ideal of a love that is gentle and soft yet tensile strong - or of human trait of the same kind. The one that bends in the strong winds, yet withstands the fury of its gusts, remaining intact through the storms of life.

I am Titanium... or at least I long to be.

Duality.

I think and I feel, in alternation. And then sometimes I write about it here, if my feelings and thoughts agree and the product can be described in a coherent manner.
After confiding in my friend Elizabeth recently about my fears and my less than flattering reactions to those fears, she send me a link to a text which contained the following:

"Full moons are often a time of madness on the planet. The crazies come out of the woodwork, people are more accident prone, impatient, reckless. At the heart of it, though, the hidden is illuminated – on both a personal and a collective level- and that can drive many of us to emotional extremes. 

Cancer is a nurturing, subjective, and family-oriented sign. It is highly intuitive, its feelings are easily hurt, and its energies are focused, directed. It dislikes emotional confrontations and, like the crab that represents this sign, it retreats at the first sign of conflict, withdrawing tightly into its shell."

I had to smile with amusement reading this as I could not better describe myself indeed and I recognize the way I am ruled by the moon and its cycles.

I feel has been used before to shortly summarize the sign of Cancer. My feelings are my greatest asset and yet they are simultaneously my greatest drawback. They give rise to my creativity, sensitivity and intuitive perception, making me see the world so vividly, while I notice hidden details that others might not see. Yet, when passionate emotions overtake me, they cloud my judgment, causing me to throw logic out of the window, shutting down my intelligence, while I become temporarily insane - and even cruel.

I wonder if we all harbor within us conflicting forces, which define our personality, making us unique and special. I assume we all carry an angel and devil within and at all times our actions are a product of an internal struggle between the good and the bad inside us. Sometimes the light wins, sometimes darkness take over.

I can be weak and scared. I am not always unconditionally good and I can certainly be selfish and possessive. Yet, I know I can also be loving and warm, empathetic and altruistic, pure and generous. This is human duality, defining our species, making us so extremely intriguing and so very dangerous as well.

I believe that no one is all good, as well as no one is all evil. I guess what decides which category we fall into is the way we choose to handle those opposites within us, allowing one or the other win the internal conflicts. By acknowledging fully and completely that we posses both positive and negative qualities, we can create a balance within ourselves and strive to always follow the light through the darkness of our lives.

(Images:Photobucket)

"U-haul".

Once again that time has come. I am now moving all my possessions, being in the process of packing all I own into boxes and hauling my belongings into storage, in close proximity of my new residence. I do this not alone however, but with the help of a pair of very strong and capable hands, belonging to a man that stole my heart and who has brought my way incredible happiness.
And who has given me a new home.

The white house on the hill is about to become definitely abandoned by me, as a new family is moving in - if only as tenants. New life is going to be housed within its walls, as the rooms will resonate with laughter of children and feelings of love. This notion calms my mind and lifts my spirits, infusing me with a content that thrills me on so many levels.

The past week has therefore seen me hard at work, as I (we) packed and sorted out and mostly disposed of all that junk that I have collected over the years.
It was incredibly liberating.

I have moved numerous times in my life. As a child, I was uprooted on many occasions by my parents, who possessed (and still do) the heart of gypsies and an adventurous mind. This must be qualities that I inherited as well - I have likewise traveled the world and have laid down my hat in many countries (and even two continents). Thus one can say I am at this point quiet proficient at relocating. Still, it does not get any easier and the stir of emotions is very much the same.

There is something very sentimental about ending something, no matter how much we long to see it end. It is a very odd sensation, when our dreams do come true. It feels highly exhilarating, yet concomitantly there is that feel of anticlimax, as if there is suddenly a void left behind in our perception, until we establish new desires and dream new dreams.

Thus currently I experience mixed emotions of excitement and happiness, yet as well a slight sting of melancholy and maybe a certain gentle sadness, as I part with my former home.
My white house on the hill has seen me through an important part of my life, one that has been filled with unforgettable moments and an immense personal growth, bringing me here where I am today. It has given me shelter and provided me with a safe haven, during my perpetual quest for happiness. It has seen me age almost a decade, through such intense years that defined me in a very profound way.

I embrace this recent change, because it feels good and so very right, something that is confirmed to me undoubtedly by each new day. I do not know what the future will bring, nor am I willing to contemplate that, as I relish in that uncertainty.
All I have is my past, which fills me with no regrets and my present which fills me with excitement. It instigates in me a thrill about what is yet to come, as I embark on a journey of a new fulfilling personal era.

Emotions Of Change.

Change - a term full of contradictions, yet the only constant in life.
Changes are never easy and feel more complicated and dramatic the older we get, but they are vital and important if we want to live fully and completely.

I do not think that I exaggerate, when I claim being an expert at changes. My life has been altered numerous times - in fact I feel that at this point it consists of several life times, woven together into an intricate personality tapestry, making me into who I am.

Thus today, while being in the process of altering my life once again, I know pretty accurately what to expect. I have over the years learned several vital facts about myself and about human nature over all, the most important being that we posses an uncanny way to adapt to new situations - something that makes us such a successful living species here on Earth. And I believe that those individuals that master this ability with an ease will always thrive and prosper.

Having made drastic changes in my life in the past, I know that my psyche undergoes a very interesting transformation and I go through many different emotional stages. I know at this point that it is extremely important to acknowledge them and process them all, as they reflect my state of mind. To ignore them would have devastating effect on my future well being.

So what exactly are my emotions of change?

Initially, there is that overwhelming feeling of excitement, almost exhilaration and the feeling of being invincible. It comes close to a reality denial, or a certain reality numbness.
Everything is possible.
This can last for extended period of time and gives rise to many moments of daydreaming, being a constant source of energy and happiness. Every change in my life came because I was looking for it and was yearning for it. Nevertheless the changes that actually do occur are unpredictable and are a result of combination of events, thus often the change we chose brings about in its turn some changes that we never planned on. Therefore slowly, the excitement recedes, but should still linger in the background, if we feel the changes we are making are the right ones.

As the exhilarating emotions subside, there is a time of awakening. A reality check. This can be more or less abrupt and a sobering experience, realizing all the practical aspect of a change and concluding that no matter how we turn the coin around, it has always two sides - and that good comes with the bad. Often at this point, there are feelings of fear and the mind is filled with anxious thoughts, at times deep worries and even remorse. "Better the devil you know" is a term so appropriate in this context. It is often very unnerving to undergo a change, even if the change is good, because the familiar - however bad and unsatisfactory - always feels so safe.

Here it is thus very important to realize, in my opinion, that every change consists of two stages; a loss and a gain. To acknowledge the loss is extremely vital, at least it is to me. I need to be allowed to part with what was, small ceremonies if you will and moments to mourn. I need to say farewell to my past in order to be able to move on into the future and to be able to accept the gain - as something good and new, rewarding and brilliant.

Once I leave the past in the past, hence comes the process of transformation, relocation and adaptation. I often feel I gain a second wind here, become more optimistic and full of energy, realizing - the change is happening now. A certain point of no return instigates a feeling of accomplishment and fresh resolutions, new starts and new beginnings. These are often not easy times and can result in a mixed outlet of tears and laughter, but these are the moments that usher us into our new existence.

And thus a new reality starts, an alteration of at times major proportions. A time of adaptation and discovery, a time of incredible personal growth and a realization of the endless strength we posses and what capable beings we actually are. Ultimately we gain an awareness of all the magic that exists in life, at all times available for us to seize, if we only dare to.
The many changes I have undertaken in the past have made me realize that life is truly beautiful - if we only have the courage to live it.

The Age Of Aquarius.

I have always found astrology interesting, even though I view it more as an enthralling assumption than a credulous fact. I read my horoscope with amusement and I do not believe that my entire personality or my life are tailored by my zodiac sign. Nor am I convinced that star charts can predict my fate.

Likewise I do not pay attention to my suggested astrological matches or advice when it comes to love or personal success, as I simply believe that in these departments we are the true creators of our own destiny.

I do however pay attention to the bigger picture, to the hidden and to messages conveyed by the mysterious world. Whether this can be seen in the stars, in the moon, in the alignment of planets or whether it is infinitely something covertly perceived by our sixth sense - I find this information nevertheless vital.

As a scientist I am a logical being, but as a woman I am perceptive and intuitive, spiritual, creative and sensitive. Coincidence or not, those happen to actually be the main attributes of my sign, the sign of Cancer.

Recently an enigmatic Aquarius has entered my life through a series of intriguing coincidences. Trusting my perception, I can not help but feel that our meeting will most certainly impact my future in a prominent way. In my past I have come across people belonging to almost every astrological sign of the zodiac, yet I have never before met a Water Bearer.
I find this encounter furthermore infinitely significant for one other reason -  ever since I was a teenager, I have been fascinated by the rule of The Age Of Aquarius.

Just the very term itself rings so powerful in my ears and brings me back to my youth and the undying melodies from the movie musical Hair. After watching it I was left endlessly enticed and never forgot those very catching and poetic lines or the wonderful harmonies of "The Age Of Aquarius", composed by "The Fifth Dimension":

When the moon is in the Seventh House

And Jupiter aligns with Mars

Then peace will guide the planets

And love will steer the stars

This is the dawning of the age of Aquarius...

I later learned that those lyrics are poetic license that took quite a liberty when it comes to the scarcity of the moon being in the Seventh House and the alignments of planets - nevertheless, it was after hearing these words sang to that unforgettable melody that my interest for the Age Of Aquarius was born.

Each astrological sign is linked to an Astrological Age - the interesting part is that no one really knows when an age begins or ends. It is suggested though that these ages are directed by the absolute cardinal cycle of our world, the so called Procession Of The Equinoxes, which can span a period of about 25 920 years. This stellar cycle is then divided into twelve astrological ages of the zodiac, meaning that each age is on average about 2150 years long.

Some astrologists believe that currently we are still in The Age Of The Pisces, an age that was suggested to have started during the Roman Empire, at the end of The Age Of Aries, a militant period in our past.
Others though think we have already entered The Age Of Aquarius. And eventually there are those who believe that this age will commence in 2012, coinciding with the end of the Mayan Calender, supporting the "end of the world" and cataclysmic "dooms day" prophecies.

What unifies all beliefs is the definition of this enticing age.
Aquarius is an eminently revolutionary sign, signifying renewal and knowledge. Sometimes called The Golden Age, it instigates a sense of spirituality and progress, a type of awakening of humankind. As Aquarius traditionally rules electricity, this age is defined by scientific discoveries, enlightenment and in many aspects a rebirth of our consciousness, bringing us into a more advanced age in time. Thus it is often linked to the New Age movement that is signified by emphasizing the link between mind, body and spirit.

Whether we are in the Age Of Aquarius or whether we are in a transition between ages, it is obvious that our world is marked by essential changes. The undying optimist and romantic within me likes to believe that we are moving towards an enlightened future. To me 2012 might end the world as we know it, but not by destruction of apocalyptic measures, but rather a transition that greets the dawn of the age of light.

Symbolically, I am hoping that the sudden presence of a beautiful and enticing Aquarius in my own life signifies a pre dawn of my own personal golden age.

Wheel Of Emotions.

If I was asked to describe myself in one sentence only, "Wheel of emotions" seems a somewhat appropriate term to use.
"I feel" is often an expression associated with my astrological sign of Cancer. As soon as emotions overcome me, logic is suppressed and my senses start to rule me. In those moments, I behave irrationally and become foolish. Like a ship lost at sea in a storm, I bounce of waves at the mercy of the raging waters, longing for a safe harbor and a solid anchor.

Intriguingly, emotions and their manifestation have been closely studied, as after all, it is not only our intellect that defines us. Our character and our individuality are shaped by our feelings as well. Robert Plutchik, a renowned psychologist actually did created a symbolic wheel of emotions in 1980. It consists of 8 basic emotions and 8 advanced emotions each with counterpart opposite.

The eight basic emotions in the wheel are: anger, fear, sadness, disgust, surprise, anticipation, acceptance, and joy. The advanced ones are: optimism, love, submission, awe, disappointment, remorse, contempt and aggressiveness.

Emotions help us in our survival. We make decisions in our present based on our past experiences, all closely tied to our perception of a decisions outcome. If it resulted in pain and sadness, it will most likely prevent us from going in the same direction again, while joy and happiness have the opposite effect.
Emotions can also direct our lives, as they tell us the state of our mental being. At one point or another in our lives, we succumb to the negative emotions that rule our thinking in a devastating way. Anything from fear, sadness and jealousy, those alone or in combination prevents us from moving on and living a healthy existence.

Science and psychology apart, emotions and feelings are a part of who we are. They distinguish us, make us compelling and compassionate and make us aware of the hidden beauty within and around us. Fortunate are those, who can keep them under control, but yet again, those of us who can not, for better or worse, are true artists at heart and soul. As it is this perception and this sensitivity to our surroundings and its overflow that is so eloquently captured and conveyed through music, the written word and the beauty of the versatile art in photography, sculptures and paintings.