Emotions Of Change.

Change - a term full of contradictions, yet the only constant in life.
Changes are never easy and feel more complicated and dramatic the older we get, but they are vital and important if we want to live fully and completely.

I do not think that I exaggerate, when I claim being an expert at changes. My life has been altered numerous times - in fact I feel that at this point it consists of several life times, woven together into an intricate personality tapestry, making me into who I am.

Thus today, while being in the process of altering my life once again, I know pretty accurately what to expect. I have over the years learned several vital facts about myself and about human nature over all, the most important being that we posses an uncanny way to adapt to new situations - something that makes us such a successful living species here on Earth. And I believe that those individuals that master this ability with an ease will always thrive and prosper.

Having made drastic changes in my life in the past, I know that my psyche undergoes a very interesting transformation and I go through many different emotional stages. I know at this point that it is extremely important to acknowledge them and process them all, as they reflect my state of mind. To ignore them would have devastating effect on my future well being.

So what exactly are my emotions of change?

Initially, there is that overwhelming feeling of excitement, almost exhilaration and the feeling of being invincible. It comes close to a reality denial, or a certain reality numbness.
Everything is possible.
This can last for extended period of time and gives rise to many moments of daydreaming, being a constant source of energy and happiness. Every change in my life came because I was looking for it and was yearning for it. Nevertheless the changes that actually do occur are unpredictable and are a result of combination of events, thus often the change we chose brings about in its turn some changes that we never planned on. Therefore slowly, the excitement recedes, but should still linger in the background, if we feel the changes we are making are the right ones.

As the exhilarating emotions subside, there is a time of awakening. A reality check. This can be more or less abrupt and a sobering experience, realizing all the practical aspect of a change and concluding that no matter how we turn the coin around, it has always two sides - and that good comes with the bad. Often at this point, there are feelings of fear and the mind is filled with anxious thoughts, at times deep worries and even remorse. "Better the devil you know" is a term so appropriate in this context. It is often very unnerving to undergo a change, even if the change is good, because the familiar - however bad and unsatisfactory - always feels so safe.

Here it is thus very important to realize, in my opinion, that every change consists of two stages; a loss and a gain. To acknowledge the loss is extremely vital, at least it is to me. I need to be allowed to part with what was, small ceremonies if you will and moments to mourn. I need to say farewell to my past in order to be able to move on into the future and to be able to accept the gain - as something good and new, rewarding and brilliant.

Once I leave the past in the past, hence comes the process of transformation, relocation and adaptation. I often feel I gain a second wind here, become more optimistic and full of energy, realizing - the change is happening now. A certain point of no return instigates a feeling of accomplishment and fresh resolutions, new starts and new beginnings. These are often not easy times and can result in a mixed outlet of tears and laughter, but these are the moments that usher us into our new existence.

And thus a new reality starts, an alteration of at times major proportions. A time of adaptation and discovery, a time of incredible personal growth and a realization of the endless strength we posses and what capable beings we actually are. Ultimately we gain an awareness of all the magic that exists in life, at all times available for us to seize, if we only dare to.
The many changes I have undertaken in the past have made me realize that life is truly beautiful - if we only have the courage to live it.

Pure Magenta.

Ever since I was a little girl, my dream has been to live in a small cottage, somewhere in a beautiful countryside.
So far I have to admit to have lived in beautiful places and in beautiful surroundings, but the cottage dream is still only a dream.

I have always loved the romantic images of low, aging, thatched-roofed dwellings with semi-wild gardens, those that give a feeling of abundance and unrestricted growth, hidden from view. And full of hollyhocks.

Called a stokrose in Danish, which translate something like a rose on a stick, these beautiful flowers adorn the outside walls of many farms and cottages up here North, creating a living, colourful hedge. They can be found in many colours, anything from white and yellow to pink, magenta and deep red.

Once again, just like in the spring, when I realized that lilacs bloom in the garden of my new home, this summer a beautiful Hollyhock adorned outer walls of the house - another signs send by the heavens, reassuring me to stay on the path I have taken.
Thus until I one day indeed live in a cottage, this stunning beauty of pure magenta brings that dream somewhat closer.

The Time Of Transition.

The last sun-rays of a late summer sun illuminate my face, while I sit on a sheltered patio in a place that was unknown to me just a few months back. Yet which today instigates in me a sense of security and familiarity.

Closing my eyes, trying to recollect all that has come to pass since I last time updated this online diary, I become overwhelmed by a wave of sentimental emotions, as I attempt to recapture in words the essence of my current state of mind.
A product of events which has come to define my reality in a surprising way.

On so many occasions recently have I found myself pondering with amusement the relativity of time. We can go on for years, even decades, stuck in routines and the same old tracks, while our days move uneventfully, melting together into a time frame that moves in slow motion. Yet contradictory, a span of only a few weeks can come across as if a lifetime has passed, when defining moments and significant changes alter our present.

As I have gotten older, some very important notions have become my life philosophy; to never ever loose the courage to make a change, to never grow cynical and to never loose hope. To always follow ones heart and to stay true to ones beliefs, being at all times willing to take a leap of faith, no matter what dark abyss stares back in our face. To never be deterred by mistakes and setbacks, sorrows and pain. I am fully convinced that in life we get our share of the good and the bad in perfect balance – it is only up to us how we choose to handle both.

These days, my white house on the hill stands quiet and abandoned. A FOR SALE sign adorns the lawn, while I am slowly moving all my possessions north, in order to start a new life with the man that I love. And his three wonderful children.

I am in a time of transition and as we all know, that can occasionally come across as slightly unnerving. I am leaving behind a decade of experiences and memories, as well as a life that will never return. I am parting with my old companions - solitude, independence and mundane routines of a solitary existence - those that were my reality for so many years. However much I disliked them at times, they were all I knew and thus every now and then I feel a certain sense of sadness realizing those days are truly concluded. Additionally, I feel a sense of apprehension about what is to come. My future is novel and as I am about to enter an uncharted territory, I know in no uncertain terms that hardship awaits, because I know every change is a combination of happiness and sorrow.

Yet, I am not afraid.

I feel excited and ready to open a new chapter in my life, which includes family and love. I am about to embark on a voyage of a brand new personal era, one that will bring my way novel adventures and experiences, which will enrich my perception and create unforgettable moments. I feel confidant and convinced that I am heading towards a rewarding future after so many years of standing still.

As the sun sets behind the tree tops, the skies no longer offer spectacular sunsets that I am used to witness from the windows of my white house on the hill. Thus a sting of melancholy, almost remorse enters my mind, as I will have to part with a place that I called home for so many years, a place that I loved with all my heart and soul...
But then I recall what a stranger once said to me;
“Home is defined by people, not places.
And ultimately by your heart...”

Just then, as my mind contemplates this statement, the distant laughter of children interrupted by the voice of a man that makes my heart skip a beat, both resonating from within the walls behind me, envelops me like a warm blanket, making me feel safe and endlessly happy - and then I know in no uncertain terms that I have indeed finally come home.

(Note: All images in this post are taken in my new home, some 90 miles north of the "white house on the hill".)

Time To Live.

As we are about to enter the seventh month, a genuine perception of summer is so very palpable in my surroundings. It is my favorite part of the annual span, as this enigmatic season so effortlessly entices my entire body and soul.

This year it will enter my recollection as a unique period in my life. One that has brought my way a sought after change, fulfilling my dreams and desires upon years of standing still.
It is thus time for me to give into the allure of life when it is at its best.

It is time to live. Fully and unconditionally.

Currently I find myself mostly on the road, sharing my days between my old home and my new home. Therefore I increasingly neglect certain aspects of my reality, blogging being one of them. I love writing my online diary endlessly, yet I find very little opportunity to do so and even less to visit all of you.
To just keep posting and and not returning your lovely visits is not just joyless, but also somewhat unfair. Thus I have decided to take a long blog break - a needed break to savour and focus on the off line world for a while.

I hope you will not forget about me, as I surely will not forget any of you. I intend to return once the last rich summer month is closing towards its end, bringing with it the shift of seasons, with writing saturated by new experiences full of sweet contemplations and poignant reflections.

Have a wonderful summer everyone - see you soon.

Xoxo
Zuzana

Enchanted Evening Sky.

I have stated numerous times in the past how much I love the month of June. I love this month due so many reasons.
I relish in its youth - as it is the first month of the summer.
I relish in its bloom - as it is the month when all my fragrant shrubs and bushes bloom.
And most of all - I relish in its light - as it it is the month of white nights and the summer solstice.

I am summer child and as such I am vivacious and full of life and passion. I also hold a certain sensitivity to natural wonders and thus I will forever stand mesmerized when watching the evening heavens in the sixth month of the year, the annual midpoint.

This year, the longest day of the solstice offered spectacular skies, which came across as endlessly enchanting, almost divine or biblical, full of dramatic thunderheads with shooting sun-ray beams, painting my westerly view in cool azure blue mixed with platinum white and anthracite grey, adding a hint of warm orange.

Trying to eternalize the evening skies with my camera, I was overwhelmed by a plethora of sentimental emotions. Prevailingly a certain soft sadness, bordering on gentle melancholy, as I became aware of one unmistakable fact - once again the threshold of light has been crossed...

At Peace.

Almost half of this year has passed.
June signifies in no uncertain terms that we are midway through the annual cycle of life. It also represents my absolutely favorite month of all, when light rules my world and perception.
As I savour the moment, I feel an onset of sweet nostalgia, looking back over such a short period in time, yet so significant in my own reality.

My life has changed drastically in the last six months. It started with a sense of a change in the air, turning into period of pain and sorrow, loss and confusion. Then as if by magic, my world turned around and I entered a time of peace and tranquility.

My life has become equivalent to a dream. I pinch myself at times, wondering whether I am indeed awake. Happiness of this caliber has until now escaped me and holding it in my hand, I try to hold onto it firmly yet not too tight. That which I have been searching for so aimlessly for many decades has finally presented itself to me, so freely and coincidentally, yet as if it always been in the stars for me.

I feel finally fulfilled and completed. I feel loved and I love. I feel at home and I feel I belong. I feel my future is free and undetermined, with a potential of great adventures to unravel, yet it feels safe, secure and sheltered.
And so do I.

Therefore this immense content has greatly affected my writing inspiration and my writing content.
My mind is not triggered into any serious contemplations, and has thus become slightly docile and inactive. I find myself in a period of tranquility, where inner peace rules my perception. I no longer commit my thinking to soul searching, nor are my reflections asking questions or hunting for answers.
It has made me wonder whether our wisdom is only born out of pain. And whether true learning only comes from hardship and experiences that arise solely from events that went wrong.

There is one question I do however keep asking myself constantly - what can I take with me into the future from this amazing and content part of my life?
Perhaps it has it been brought my way to reinforce my belief in the good and the divine. In love and trust. In destiny and happy endings.
Perhaps.
Or it is simply a reward for my long travels and fierce battles, and for not ever loosing my optimism and hope.

Then again - perhaps I am not meant to question anything at all. Perhaps I am simply suppose to give into the incredible allure of life when it is at its best, enjoying the sweet moments of bliss that are brought my way, accepting them unconditionally and completely, without inquiries and assessments.

Perhaps good things do come to those who wait and the best in life is always yet to come.

(Images: Photobucket)

Fragrant Neglect.

These days I spend somewhat limited time in my white house on the hill. Instead, almost every weekend I am adding miles to my little Toyota engine, as my faithful car takes me up north to a place that is increasingly becoming my new home.

Thus my terrace and garden are suffering from a certain mild neglect. The patio tiles are surrounded by weed and I have not planted any seasonal flowers since early this spring.

My potted plants are luckily all evergreens and they seem to be nevertheless thriving quiet well and have grown beyond belief. The garden is now displaying the bloom of all my fragrant bushes and shrubs, such as jasmine, caprifolium and a variety of roses.
Despite the lack of my attention, the growth proceeds undisturbed in an uncanny way.

The other morning, as I stepped outside with a cup of coffee, I had to linger there for a while, inhaling the perfumed morning air, saturated by dew and scents of June bloom.
A faint, slightly undetermined feeling encompassed my entire being, a mixture of sweet melancholy and subtle sentimental longing with a hint of excitement. My mind became aware of an approaching finale of a certain personal era, while my consciousness captured mental shots of a moment in time - one that might never ever repeat itself again....

(Please click image for a larger view)

Locks Of Hair.

I am returning after almost fourteen days of absence back to the online world. I never envisioned to be away for this long and I would certainly have warned everyone that such was the case, would I have known it myself beforehand.

The best in life is however that which is spontaneous and unplanned and I have simply decided to give into beautiful moments, letting my guard down and forgetting my routines. I have done so with great satisfaction, spending the last two weeks with people that mean the world to me.

I have rewritten this post numerous times as often one lacks words to adequately describe happiness and content.
Thus eventually I decided to announce here only one single piece of news:

I have cut my long hair. 

Yes I did. My very long, way below my waste hair, my pride and joy.
And it feels really good.

This was an action not initiated by me - yet I surprised myself to have agreed to it, despite the fact that I shun beauty saloons and have not let my hair nowhere near any scissors for almost eight years.

Ultimately I guess that is the allure of life - when we least expect it, change will enter our reality with an unprecedented ease. It will come softly and without effort and we will give into it without fear.

While I watched the hairstylist work her magic, locks of my old hair kept falling silently onto the floor in the beauty parlor. I then realized there was so much symbolism in those discarded strands. I felt in a strange way liberated from lapsed years of my life, those filled with hardships and to a certain degree stagnation. Now they were left forever in the past, where they belonged.
Not forgotten, simply just concluded.

I realized in no uncertain terms that I am about to move on - and the hair cut is only the beginning.

Scented Lilac.

Lilac is one of my favorite blooming shrubs. It holds so much significance in my perception, as its unique scent brings back so many happy memories.

The aroma regresses my childhood and most of all my teenage years, when the bouquet of the purple flowers would saturate the air, signaling the onset of summer - and in its turn, the carefree days of the approaching holidays.

Even today, every time I encounter a lilac shrub in bloom, I have to linger for a while, closing my eyes while I inhale that fresh fragrance of the flowering bunch, making me recollect and reminiscence, defying the laws of time.

Ultimately those brief moments remind me of that one single vital fact - the best in life is indeed free and locked into a few simple pleasures.

In no uncertain terms such was my recent encounter, finding this purple treasure blooming in scented abundance - in the same place where I found true love. Yet another symbol send by the universe, reassuring me that after all the detours and wrong turns I ever took in my past, I am at last traveling on the right path, moving in the right direction...