Raising The Old Anchor.

For the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: 'If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?' And whenever the answer has been 'No' for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something. 
Steve Jobs

These days my mind keeps retuning to a time in my past, more than two decades ago. I was working at a university laboratory, fresh out of school, on the second year of my employment. Only twenty two years old, I enjoyed my life and the infinite, undefined future that laid ahead.

The laboratory had many members, anything from students and senior researchers to professors. Two of these were senior lab analysts, my colleagues - jovial, kind women, to whom I turned with questions and problems, when I was still very insecure in my profession and held very little experience in the science field. At that time, they have been employed there, at the same place, for over twenty years. I recall my infinite incomprehension of this fact. To me that time span accounted for a whole life time and the idea of being at the same location for such an eternity felt absolutely unimaginable. Indeed, about three years later, I left for the US, to work with my current employer.

Thus today, however outrageous that idea once seemed, I am exactly in their shoes, having worked for the same laboratory for twenty one years. There has been one relocation, the one that took me to Denmark, when my employer decided to go back home - but overall, I have been educated, trained and directed by the same man almost my whole professional life.

He brought out the hidden talents in me, gave me the opportunities to use my imagination and my skills and established an environment for me where I could thrive and flourish, excelling in the field of science with an incredible speed and endless success. He turned my work into my life and together with his wife, the couple became my best friends, a substitute family to a young girl far away from home. They became people I could - and still can today - count on one hundred percent to be there for me, should I ever need it.

Today I am one of the senior analysts in the lab.
I know where everything is, how everything works, as I am partly responsible for the overall running of the place. It is to me the young students turn with their troubles and problems. I am free to do whatever I like, I take days off at my fancy and decide my working hours. My work has always been the only constant in my life, something safe and secure. No matter how much my personal life changed, my professional life never did.

And yet, we all know that nothing ever stays the same, no matter how much we want - or expect it to. Along the way in life we make decisions that take us on novel paths, setting us on journeys that defy our world.
Thus all the choices I made in recent years in my private life slowly caused changes in my line of work as well, without me even noticing. At the onset, they were only ripples on the surface, but in time it became painfully apparent to me that the place of my employment, the one that has been my secure shelter and a solid anchor my whole adult life, has sadly played out its role...

In two weeks I will start a new job, for the first time in two decades. The emotion that encompass my being when I think about that fact is a wild mix of joy and fear.
There are days when I feel excited and happy about the prospect of a new start. I will still work in the research field, but my long commute will be cut by two hours every day, giving my personal life more freedom. However, the new position comes with responsibilities and a firm promise of hard work. I can not even recall any longer how it feels to work for someone else than my friend and my mentor and I wonder all the time whether I will be able to take direct orders from someone new - and whether he will find me competent in my skills.

Thus there are days when I wake up with a knot in my stomach, riddled with profound fear and anxiety, absolutely terrified and full of regrets. It feels as if I am to leave home again, for the first time since I was twenty, leaving my family for good, knowing I will miss them terribly.
I have made many outrageous changes in my life, but never before have I been so apprehensive about altering anything as I am today.

Somewhere deep within though, in the core of my very being, I know that I need to take this step, however scary it might seem. I need to say my thanks and my farewells and set out sailing anew.
I expect nothing and am prepared for everything, knowing hardship is linked to every change and things might get a lot worse before they get better. Yet hardship is what makes us grow and flourish, experiences have taught me that.
I believe that worst life is life lived with fear and I refuse to let fear of the unknown prevent me from embracing the very beauty of it. I try very hard to remember my own personal belief stating that change is what fuels our reality - I hope I will never get too scared to realize that.

Thus I have decided to raise my old anchor, the one that is rusty and buried in the depth of the sea, not having been moved for a very long time - a life time it seems. Yet the ship is still sail worthy and the ocean is open wide, thus lets sail into the unknown one more time.
I am confident that great adventures await.

Images: Photobucket

Everything Is Illuminated.

As we step into December, the weather has turned bitterly cold and the first snow of the season has fallen - as if on cue - with the onset of the first winter month.
Embarking on my long commute after work the other day, three hours into a dark winter evening, I left the traffic of a busy metropolis behind and set out onto the deserted freeway. Driving along, I experienced a sudden sense of enchantment.
The darkness subsided and the full moon peaking occasionally through the clouds cast an alluring silver light onto the road ahead, while my favorite musical piece kept playing in the background.

I felt as if suddenly everything was illuminated.

Thus yet another unforgettable moment formed in my perception - an occurrence that is fairly common these days.

My dreams and hopes are all slowly become reality and the future indeed seems bright.
In a couple of months we will begin the process of moving into a new house - a place that will become our home.

Sitting in our lawyers office this past week, getting through the last administrative paperwork before signing the dead, my mind went through a short flashback to almost exactly a decade ago.
Seated in a similar office, in a another part of the country, I was signing a deed to my very first house, the white house on the hill, having an entirely different future planned ahead off me. I never thought then that ten years down the road I would be embarking on a novel journey once again. I find this to be the most alluring aspect of life - not knowing what the future holds.
One thing remains the same though - I feel equally excited about the prospect of the purchase as I did then. When we walked into our house for the first time, both me and my husband, without any communication between us, knew in our hearts we have found our home.

Giving in to the wave of changes, I have taken the decision to change my citizenship.
It is an important step, one that I take gladly, but one that is leaving me full of nostalgia.
I am giving up a country where I was not born and where I have not lived for over two decades, yet where I spend twelve very important and formative years. It is a country that took my family in and gave us shelter and a promise of a better future. It was where I spend a blissful childhood, where I went to school, where I had my first home and my first employment. It is where I made the friends I still have in my life and where the foundation was laid to who I am today.
Thus I take this step with a sense of apprehension, even though there is no doubt in my mind that my decision is the right one. After "belonging" to one country almost all my adult life, despite my many moves and relocation - I guess I have finally found a reason to belong elsewhere. I have found a reason to lay down my hat right here.
I have finally found my home.

Indeed, everything is illuminated, even though we are amidst the darkest time of the year. November noir has ended, becoming replaced by December brightness - not just defined by the shine of the full moon, but by all the twinkling, ornate lights adoring houses and lining the roads and the multitude of candles burned throughout the Scandinavian homes.
I have always loved this time of the year, when this undefined yet so tangible and unified joy settles all across my world.
Still, never before have I enjoyed the onset of the Holidays more than I do today.

Love, family and home - these are the blessings that define Christmas and currently these make up the very core of my life and are the shinning beacons that illuminated my heart. 
Each and every day is precious and even the darkest winter night is suddenly full of light.

The Same River Twice...

"You can never step into the same river; for new waters are always flowing on you. 
No man ever steps into the same river twice,  for it's not the same river and he is not the same man."

Heraclitus, Greek philosopher




The subject of time is currently the essence of my existence. This very relative subject occupies my thinking, or rather the different aspects of this elusive term. More closely, the effect that time has on us.

I am endlessly intrigued by the way our perception can modify time intervals, making them undefinable by scientific terms. Instead their length and the speed with which they proceed is determined by our experiences.
As life takes us on the journey from our past to our future, we rarely have the ability to be objective when assessing who we were and who we have become. Tracing back the decades in my own personal history I was under the impression that except for my physical appearance - I have not changed at all, or very little.
My values are still the same, so are my traits. I feel I am the same woman within that aged body and I still want and like the same things I did when I was twenty five. Yet I have recently realized that I am not the same person I was just a year ago - thus how can I possibly be the same woman I was thirty years back...?

Being currently once again - albeit temporarily - alone made this epiphany so painfully obvious. Only slightly more than a year ago I lived on my own. That was all I knew. Even though I longed for having someone to love, I was satisfied with my life and found solitude freeing and revitalizing. Yet today that allure is long gone. I can still manage it, but I do not enjoy it for very long. Reverting to activities that once made me happy and content, I was so surprised to realize that today they have the opposite effect.
What a truly shocking revelation. I could never ever imagine myself living alone again, a notion that is endlessly unsettling to experience.

Indeed, we never step into the same river twice, as the wise Heraclitus once proclaimed. Our experiences and our decisions change the direction of our lives and in its turn this irreversibly changes us. What once made us happy and what once defined our reality might no longer give us satisfaction and on rare occasions can even bring us grief and sadness.

We can never go back to what once was.
When we fully comprehend this statement, it will suddenly reinforce the meaning of our present and the immense value of who we are today, as well as the very profound significance of seizing the day. We might have dreams and wishes which direct the roads we choose to travel on in life. They fuel our hopes for the future. We also have our memories of the journeys completed.
Yet nothing holds more allure and importance, nothing is more tangible and real than our present and who we are today.

"Amor Vincit Omnia".

I return to my online diary after almost two months absence, in the height of spring, at the onset of white nights and a period of growth and renewal.

A diary is a like a time capsule. It captures events, preserves our thoughts and impressions of a given moment, enabling us to relive our history and revisit our past by reading the written lines. As I scroll through my old posts, the changes my reality underwent over the years make me smile. That is the infinite magic of life - we never know what waits around the next bend.

The two rings I wear today are attestation to two defining moments of such changes in my very recent past.
As long as I live I will recall every single detail of the occasions when these two rings were given to me. My memory is saturated by vivid snapshots of these two extraordinary moments in time. Only ten days apart, they account for the two most important events of my life.

The ring worn on my one hand is my engagement ring.
Beautiful silver ring covered by red garnets. This was the ring with which I was asked to marry the love of my life. In front of our families, on a sunny day this April, the proposal was exactly as the incurable romantic within me always imagined - indeed even better. It took place in the beautiful gardens below the Prague castle, saturated by the first spring bloom. High above the historic city, the man that only a year prior stole my heart went down on one knee underneath the pink blossom of a cherry tree, asking for my hand in marriage.

My engagement lasted barely two weeks.
Exactly ten days later, on the first of this May, I said my second yes in the city hall in our home, receiving a beautiful titanium band that now adorns the ring finger of my other hand. I look at it constantly, as it makes me recall our wedding day, which was shared by the two of us only. I loved the simplicity of this precious, deeply intimate moment in time, which eternelized our love.

Ever since I was a little girl, I had visions and dreams of what my wedding day would be like. I think most little girls - and most single women - do. As I grew into a young woman, those dreams started to slowly fade. Not because I did not wanted to get married, but because I started to worry that the man I was searching for did not exist. As years went by and my relationships fell apart one by one, I gave up on my romantic dreams of getting married. I felt like a stupid old fool, still thinking in a young girls terms.

Still, our reality can change in a blink of an eye and as one of the most trying periods of my life was slowly concluding last year, the one that made me doubt happiness and life itself and I wondered secretly whether I was ever going to be smiling again, my fate turned around.
On a warm April day I took a stroll down by the sea with a handsome man - and my life was never going to be the same again.
He came out of nowhere and I knew he was the one. From the very start everything about him was so very different than anything else that I recognized and could relate to. And everything about him was exactly right. He made me believe again.

Thus that which I gave up on a long time ago came to pass. Several decades later than I ever imagined, the event itself though surpassed all my childhood dreams and will remain imprinted in my memory until the end of my days.

Amor Vincit Omnia.
This was written on the back of one of the wedding cards we received.  
Love Conquers All.
And indeed it does. There are no rules and no manuals when it comes to love. There is no right time, right age or right place. Love is versatile and complicated, yet is is also so very unpretentious and easy. It will come to us when we least expected it and it can not be predicted, anticipated, rushed or manipulated. True love is a product of pure mind, endless courage and incurable hope.

It only takes once to get it right. I waited almost half a century to say my yes, yet in hindsight I realize that I would do it all over again. Finding the man of my dreams is worth the wait of a life time.

Dedicated to my husband - my soul-mate and my best friend.

Silver Birch, Encore.

Many of you might recall my infatuation with a beautiful birch tree, the one that used to adorn my easterly views in my old house.

One year I decided to follow the changes of its foliage and document them here in a series of photographs, showing the yearly cycle of that stunning silver tree.

Never before have I paid such a close attention to that lovely birch as I did that year and in the process I realized how much beauty and life goes unnoticed every day in our own views.

It was with a deep sadness in my heart and tears in my eyes that I watched my neighbours cut down my beautiful friend this past spring... I do not think I can ever accept or understand this atrocity.

Thus I was overwhelmed with joy when I realized that a beautiful silver tree adorns the easterly views in my new home. Once again, I can watch a magnificent birch and its transition through the year, as it plays out just outside our kitchen windows.

Therefore with renewed enthusiasm have I decided to document its yearly cycle, starting from green to bare.
I hope you will join me on this trip through the next few months, as I once in a while share with you the beauty of this natural change, as it gradually commences in my views.

Twenty One Grams.

There is a theory, somewhat controversial and often discredited, which proposes that when a human being passes on, the body weights exactly twenty one grams less then when alive. Thus it has been suggested that this is the weight of a soul.

I wonder, if one could weigh my white house on the hill today, whether it woudl be weighing less than when I lived there. As these days it certainly feels as if the "soul has left the building".

Selling a home is a strange process. No matter the reason, whether one wants to do it or is forced to, there is a certain feel of termination of life in this conduct.
I believe a home is created.
It is built out of love and affection and supported by people, by their laughter and tears and foremost by their presence. Once this is removed from a building, it becomes an empty framework, a lifeless construction, a foreign place.

I take very little pleasure in visiting the house these days.
I do it nevertheless - out of necessity - on regular bases and will continue to do so until it is sold. The selling however is not going all that well I am afraid, considering the financial crises that has spread once again through the world like an infectious disease.

Thus the house, that one place that once brought me joy, safety and comfort has now become a burden. A lifeless shell, a forced commitment, a financial affliction. It comes across like shackles around my ankles, keeping me imprisoned in the past, preventing me from moving on into my future.
It is today a far cry from the place I once knew and loved, so endlessly removed from my perception, demanding my care and draining my energy.

I never ever believed that I would feel these kind of emotions. They are a mixture of sadness, deep melancholy and a bittersweet recollection of another life all together. One that is only removed a few months in time, but decades in my perception.
It is a very odd realization and a truly shocking surprise.

Thus I linger there only for a moment.
Almost immediately upon entering I am enveloped by a feeling of being in a foreign place. My things are still there - I recognize all the furniture and the decor - but it does not feel at all cosy or familiar. Even the scent is different. I catch myself being in a hurry as I water the plants, open the windows, sort through the surface mail. Dust of the shelves, sweep the floor.
I simply can not wait to be on my way again.

In short moments though, when I gaze at the framed photographs of familiar faces and sit down for an instant, gazing out of my westbound windows at a stunning landscape and open sky - a wave of memories comes sweeping back.
But they do not stay with me, it seems they only pass me by, reminding me to remain thankful and most of all respectful.

They caution me to never ever forget the beautiful moments I once spend between these walls, together with all the people that helped me made it a home.

One day I will leave it forever.
It will become a shelter for someone new, keeping them happy and safe.
One day new life will move into the white house on a hill and bring back its soul.

Emotions Of Change.

Change - a term full of contradictions, yet the only constant in life.
Changes are never easy and feel more complicated and dramatic the older we get, but they are vital and important if we want to live fully and completely.

I do not think that I exaggerate, when I claim being an expert at changes. My life has been altered numerous times - in fact I feel that at this point it consists of several life times, woven together into an intricate personality tapestry, making me into who I am.

Thus today, while being in the process of altering my life once again, I know pretty accurately what to expect. I have over the years learned several vital facts about myself and about human nature over all, the most important being that we posses an uncanny way to adapt to new situations - something that makes us such a successful living species here on Earth. And I believe that those individuals that master this ability with an ease will always thrive and prosper.

Having made drastic changes in my life in the past, I know that my psyche undergoes a very interesting transformation and I go through many different emotional stages. I know at this point that it is extremely important to acknowledge them and process them all, as they reflect my state of mind. To ignore them would have devastating effect on my future well being.

So what exactly are my emotions of change?

Initially, there is that overwhelming feeling of excitement, almost exhilaration and the feeling of being invincible. It comes close to a reality denial, or a certain reality numbness.
Everything is possible.
This can last for extended period of time and gives rise to many moments of daydreaming, being a constant source of energy and happiness. Every change in my life came because I was looking for it and was yearning for it. Nevertheless the changes that actually do occur are unpredictable and are a result of combination of events, thus often the change we chose brings about in its turn some changes that we never planned on. Therefore slowly, the excitement recedes, but should still linger in the background, if we feel the changes we are making are the right ones.

As the exhilarating emotions subside, there is a time of awakening. A reality check. This can be more or less abrupt and a sobering experience, realizing all the practical aspect of a change and concluding that no matter how we turn the coin around, it has always two sides - and that good comes with the bad. Often at this point, there are feelings of fear and the mind is filled with anxious thoughts, at times deep worries and even remorse. "Better the devil you know" is a term so appropriate in this context. It is often very unnerving to undergo a change, even if the change is good, because the familiar - however bad and unsatisfactory - always feels so safe.

Here it is thus very important to realize, in my opinion, that every change consists of two stages; a loss and a gain. To acknowledge the loss is extremely vital, at least it is to me. I need to be allowed to part with what was, small ceremonies if you will and moments to mourn. I need to say farewell to my past in order to be able to move on into the future and to be able to accept the gain - as something good and new, rewarding and brilliant.

Once I leave the past in the past, hence comes the process of transformation, relocation and adaptation. I often feel I gain a second wind here, become more optimistic and full of energy, realizing - the change is happening now. A certain point of no return instigates a feeling of accomplishment and fresh resolutions, new starts and new beginnings. These are often not easy times and can result in a mixed outlet of tears and laughter, but these are the moments that usher us into our new existence.

And thus a new reality starts, an alteration of at times major proportions. A time of adaptation and discovery, a time of incredible personal growth and a realization of the endless strength we posses and what capable beings we actually are. Ultimately we gain an awareness of all the magic that exists in life, at all times available for us to seize, if we only dare to.
The many changes I have undertaken in the past have made me realize that life is truly beautiful - if we only have the courage to live it.

The Time Of Transition.

The last sun-rays of a late summer sun illuminate my face, while I sit on a sheltered patio in a place that was unknown to me just a few months back. Yet which today instigates in me a sense of security and familiarity.

Closing my eyes, trying to recollect all that has come to pass since I last time updated this online diary, I become overwhelmed by a wave of sentimental emotions, as I attempt to recapture in words the essence of my current state of mind.
A product of events which has come to define my reality in a surprising way.

On so many occasions recently have I found myself pondering with amusement the relativity of time. We can go on for years, even decades, stuck in routines and the same old tracks, while our days move uneventfully, melting together into a time frame that moves in slow motion. Yet contradictory, a span of only a few weeks can come across as if a lifetime has passed, when defining moments and significant changes alter our present.

As I have gotten older, some very important notions have become my life philosophy; to never ever loose the courage to make a change, to never grow cynical and to never loose hope. To always follow ones heart and to stay true to ones beliefs, being at all times willing to take a leap of faith, no matter what dark abyss stares back in our face. To never be deterred by mistakes and setbacks, sorrows and pain. I am fully convinced that in life we get our share of the good and the bad in perfect balance – it is only up to us how we choose to handle both.

These days, my white house on the hill stands quiet and abandoned. A FOR SALE sign adorns the lawn, while I am slowly moving all my possessions north, in order to start a new life with the man that I love. And his three wonderful children.

I am in a time of transition and as we all know, that can occasionally come across as slightly unnerving. I am leaving behind a decade of experiences and memories, as well as a life that will never return. I am parting with my old companions - solitude, independence and mundane routines of a solitary existence - those that were my reality for so many years. However much I disliked them at times, they were all I knew and thus every now and then I feel a certain sense of sadness realizing those days are truly concluded. Additionally, I feel a sense of apprehension about what is to come. My future is novel and as I am about to enter an uncharted territory, I know in no uncertain terms that hardship awaits, because I know every change is a combination of happiness and sorrow.

Yet, I am not afraid.

I feel excited and ready to open a new chapter in my life, which includes family and love. I am about to embark on a voyage of a brand new personal era, one that will bring my way novel adventures and experiences, which will enrich my perception and create unforgettable moments. I feel confidant and convinced that I am heading towards a rewarding future after so many years of standing still.

As the sun sets behind the tree tops, the skies no longer offer spectacular sunsets that I am used to witness from the windows of my white house on the hill. Thus a sting of melancholy, almost remorse enters my mind, as I will have to part with a place that I called home for so many years, a place that I loved with all my heart and soul...
But then I recall what a stranger once said to me;
“Home is defined by people, not places.
And ultimately by your heart...”

Just then, as my mind contemplates this statement, the distant laughter of children interrupted by the voice of a man that makes my heart skip a beat, both resonating from within the walls behind me, envelops me like a warm blanket, making me feel safe and endlessly happy - and then I know in no uncertain terms that I have indeed finally come home.

(Note: All images in this post are taken in my new home, some 90 miles north of the "white house on the hill".)

Fragrant Neglect.

These days I spend somewhat limited time in my white house on the hill. Instead, almost every weekend I am adding miles to my little Toyota engine, as my faithful car takes me up north to a place that is increasingly becoming my new home.

Thus my terrace and garden are suffering from a certain mild neglect. The patio tiles are surrounded by weed and I have not planted any seasonal flowers since early this spring.

My potted plants are luckily all evergreens and they seem to be nevertheless thriving quiet well and have grown beyond belief. The garden is now displaying the bloom of all my fragrant bushes and shrubs, such as jasmine, caprifolium and a variety of roses.
Despite the lack of my attention, the growth proceeds undisturbed in an uncanny way.

The other morning, as I stepped outside with a cup of coffee, I had to linger there for a while, inhaling the perfumed morning air, saturated by dew and scents of June bloom.
A faint, slightly undetermined feeling encompassed my entire being, a mixture of sweet melancholy and subtle sentimental longing with a hint of excitement. My mind became aware of an approaching finale of a certain personal era, while my consciousness captured mental shots of a moment in time - one that might never ever repeat itself again....

(Please click image for a larger view)

Locks Of Hair.

I am returning after almost fourteen days of absence back to the online world. I never envisioned to be away for this long and I would certainly have warned everyone that such was the case, would I have known it myself beforehand.

The best in life is however that which is spontaneous and unplanned and I have simply decided to give into beautiful moments, letting my guard down and forgetting my routines. I have done so with great satisfaction, spending the last two weeks with people that mean the world to me.

I have rewritten this post numerous times as often one lacks words to adequately describe happiness and content.
Thus eventually I decided to announce here only one single piece of news:

I have cut my long hair. 

Yes I did. My very long, way below my waste hair, my pride and joy.
And it feels really good.

This was an action not initiated by me - yet I surprised myself to have agreed to it, despite the fact that I shun beauty saloons and have not let my hair nowhere near any scissors for almost eight years.

Ultimately I guess that is the allure of life - when we least expect it, change will enter our reality with an unprecedented ease. It will come softly and without effort and we will give into it without fear.

While I watched the hairstylist work her magic, locks of my old hair kept falling silently onto the floor in the beauty parlor. I then realized there was so much symbolism in those discarded strands. I felt in a strange way liberated from lapsed years of my life, those filled with hardships and to a certain degree stagnation. Now they were left forever in the past, where they belonged.
Not forgotten, simply just concluded.

I realized in no uncertain terms that I am about to move on - and the hair cut is only the beginning.