Raising The Old Anchor.

For the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: 'If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?' And whenever the answer has been 'No' for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something. 
Steve Jobs

These days my mind keeps retuning to a time in my past, more than two decades ago. I was working at a university laboratory, fresh out of school, on the second year of my employment. Only twenty two years old, I enjoyed my life and the infinite, undefined future that laid ahead.

The laboratory had many members, anything from students and senior researchers to professors. Two of these were senior lab analysts, my colleagues - jovial, kind women, to whom I turned with questions and problems, when I was still very insecure in my profession and held very little experience in the science field. At that time, they have been employed there, at the same place, for over twenty years. I recall my infinite incomprehension of this fact. To me that time span accounted for a whole life time and the idea of being at the same location for such an eternity felt absolutely unimaginable. Indeed, about three years later, I left for the US, to work with my current employer.

Thus today, however outrageous that idea once seemed, I am exactly in their shoes, having worked for the same laboratory for twenty one years. There has been one relocation, the one that took me to Denmark, when my employer decided to go back home - but overall, I have been educated, trained and directed by the same man almost my whole professional life.

He brought out the hidden talents in me, gave me the opportunities to use my imagination and my skills and established an environment for me where I could thrive and flourish, excelling in the field of science with an incredible speed and endless success. He turned my work into my life and together with his wife, the couple became my best friends, a substitute family to a young girl far away from home. They became people I could - and still can today - count on one hundred percent to be there for me, should I ever need it.

Today I am one of the senior analysts in the lab.
I know where everything is, how everything works, as I am partly responsible for the overall running of the place. It is to me the young students turn with their troubles and problems. I am free to do whatever I like, I take days off at my fancy and decide my working hours. My work has always been the only constant in my life, something safe and secure. No matter how much my personal life changed, my professional life never did.

And yet, we all know that nothing ever stays the same, no matter how much we want - or expect it to. Along the way in life we make decisions that take us on novel paths, setting us on journeys that defy our world.
Thus all the choices I made in recent years in my private life slowly caused changes in my line of work as well, without me even noticing. At the onset, they were only ripples on the surface, but in time it became painfully apparent to me that the place of my employment, the one that has been my secure shelter and a solid anchor my whole adult life, has sadly played out its role...

In two weeks I will start a new job, for the first time in two decades. The emotion that encompass my being when I think about that fact is a wild mix of joy and fear.
There are days when I feel excited and happy about the prospect of a new start. I will still work in the research field, but my long commute will be cut by two hours every day, giving my personal life more freedom. However, the new position comes with responsibilities and a firm promise of hard work. I can not even recall any longer how it feels to work for someone else than my friend and my mentor and I wonder all the time whether I will be able to take direct orders from someone new - and whether he will find me competent in my skills.

Thus there are days when I wake up with a knot in my stomach, riddled with profound fear and anxiety, absolutely terrified and full of regrets. It feels as if I am to leave home again, for the first time since I was twenty, leaving my family for good, knowing I will miss them terribly.
I have made many outrageous changes in my life, but never before have I been so apprehensive about altering anything as I am today.

Somewhere deep within though, in the core of my very being, I know that I need to take this step, however scary it might seem. I need to say my thanks and my farewells and set out sailing anew.
I expect nothing and am prepared for everything, knowing hardship is linked to every change and things might get a lot worse before they get better. Yet hardship is what makes us grow and flourish, experiences have taught me that.
I believe that worst life is life lived with fear and I refuse to let fear of the unknown prevent me from embracing the very beauty of it. I try very hard to remember my own personal belief stating that change is what fuels our reality - I hope I will never get too scared to realize that.

Thus I have decided to raise my old anchor, the one that is rusty and buried in the depth of the sea, not having been moved for a very long time - a life time it seems. Yet the ship is still sail worthy and the ocean is open wide, thus lets sail into the unknown one more time.
I am confident that great adventures await.

Images: Photobucket

Moody March.

Our Fire

We are mid March and the subzero temperatures are back. The brief taste of spring at this month's onset disappeared as fast as it arrived - lady Winter is not ready to quit just yet.
As we all know, the first vernal month is capricious and moody. It can switch between seasons at its own fancy, testing our patience and tolerance. In my native language, there is a rhyme that describes this third month something like this; March, lets get back to the fire.

And that is indeed my favorite spot currently. In fact that is where I am sitting right now, typing away.

Our house came with a wood-burning stove. Even though it can by no means match the beauty of my old fireplace in the white house on the hill, it does what it is suppose to do - it creates a cozy, warm spot in our living room. Equipped with a glass door, it enables me to watch the fire. I love everything about it - the scent, the sound and the hypnotic dance of the flames that so easily make my mind travel in time and space.
This feature is one of the reasons why I fell for our house at first sight.

Beam Of Morning Sun

There is yet another illumination defining my perception currently; the increasing daylight.
The light - whether it is the lack or abundance of it - is my infinite fascination with the European North. I love the incredible shifts that the seasons here provide. The winter and the summer differ about eleven hours when it comes to light - and we are only in southern Scandinavia.
Our home does not have any spectacular views of either sunrises or sunsets, still the bay windows of the north facing kitchen can offer alluring morning views. Recently, during a winter dawn, the young sun emitted a beam of light, shooting straight up across the purple sky like a solar laser, creating an unforgettable moment.

View Into Our Living-room

The house is starting to look like a home. It is amusing to watch my belongings emerge from all the boxes, being mixed with my husbands possessions. I have not seen my things for the past year and a half and it is infinitely exciting to realize that our items fit together so very well and that we both have similar taste in interior design.

Sometimes I have to smile when I think about how one single decision, the one that I took against all odds and the one that made my family and friends question my sanity - took me here. Today no one any longer doubt my abilities to choose, even if it took me a while to get my choices right.

My phone chimes as a text message arrives from my stepdaughter. She is out with her friends and I am sitting here, in the warmth of the flickering fire, waiting for her to come home safely.
She is my responsibility today, as are the boys, while their father is once again away through work, an occurrence I am slowly getting accustomed to.
Her text is full of affectionate words that touch me almost to tears...

I experience a momentary flashback to when I was a teenager and my own mom was waiting for me and my sister, to come home from a dance, or a party.
My husband's daughter is as carefree as I was then and I am as worried sick, as my mother was.

Text From My Stepdaughter

It is not easy to be a step mom and half of the time I have no idea what I am doing. I move constantly in an uncharted territory, being thrown into a substitute parenthood of three teenagers, who two years ago did not even know I existed. I find it difficult at times to relate to my role - I am not their mother, nor will I ever be, yet I participate more than just a friend in their life.
Furthermore I missed out on their early years, I never seen them as babies or children and just jumped into a life in progress - I do not know the first thing about raising kids, least of all teenagers.
In the end of the day though all I can do is to trust that my love and good intentions are enough... The touching words in my stepdaughters message are at least a good indication that I am on the right track.

A log falls over in the fire and Sammy shifts in the chair opposite me.
All of the Sammy (aka Batcat) fans will be happy to learn that my feline companion is doing superb. He survived the move without any problems. The initial shock of the relocation lasted only a couple of hours and already on the first day, Sammy happily roamed the house, searching for his new favorite spot.
On sunny days he can be exclusively found napping inside one of our southbound windows. Watching him sleep this way is extremely soothing, as no one can relax and enjoy life as the felines can.
One day I hope he will let me in on his secret.

Our "Sammy boy"

The Three Things I Own.

Elizabeth and Me, in 2011

The allures of my blogging experience are many, but by far the most rewarding one is the multitude of friends I have made over the years.
Some of them I have never met in person and yet we have shared the good and the bad through the tides of time. I take part in their life as much they take part in mine, making me smile, cry and contemplate.

One of the absolutely profound and substantial connections I have made here have been with a Dutch Lady - a truly empathetic, poetic and gentle soul. An artist at heart, inspiring and passionate, she writes a lovely blog called Landanna.
Just like me, she is a foreigner in Denmark and have been my greatest confidant through the most intense and defining time of my life.
Although we only met once, the aura of that meeting will always illuminate my recollection.

Being busy moving to a new home this week, unable to update my online diary, I have invited Elizabeth to be my guest-blogger, to which she kindly agreed.
I hope you will enjoy her candid and poignant writing as much as I do.

Thank you Elizabeth for being you.

The Three Things I Own 
by Elizabeth at Landanna

A few weeks back my "little sister" asked if I was willing to write a guestpost for her since she was so busy with the move to her new home.
What other reply than yes could I give to my dear friend and partner in non-crime and silliness.

Sletterhage Lighthouse

Let me give you a glimpse of our friendship.
In October 2009, Zuzana and I met through her post about Sletterhage fyr, a lighthouse that has a special place in my heart.
Thus this whirlwind of kindness started to visit my blog - very soon we became friends and started writing each other daily.

Some days just some scribbles.
Other days the mails consist out of smileys, when we act more like teenage girls than back in the days when we were teenage girls. In a number of mails we gave each other a written handkerchief to dry our tears or make each other dance in front of the computer to the latest music of our heart. And then there were these discussions in which she did her best to persuade me to blog about that particular subject.
All of this without ever meeting - yes it took us three years before we finally took that step. Still, I have very fond memories of meeting my "Sweety" and her husband-to-be.

One of our favorite discussions was about The Three Things I Own, a piece I wrote a long time ago, but which somehow stayed with me.

"Leaf In The Wind"

The first one is my soul, the energy that makes me who I am, the energy that communicates with my environment, the energy that gives me the possibility of sharing my love with the world.

The second one, which is also my very own, is my body.
My body, the house of my soul, the storage place of my memories, the workshop of my talents, the only piece of my ownership that is palpable. My body is the first merit I am judged upon by others, since that is the first thing they lay their eyes upon.

The third piece I own is time.
This commodity is one everybody has, but no one knows how much time they have on this planet. Each minute can be our last one and still we feel immortal. How we spend our time is very important, not to reach the highest economical goal but the most fulfillment for ones soul.

"Changing The Landscape"

Our inability to survive on our own and the need to define ourselves makes us want to belong to a group of people with similar traits. If we don't find such a group, feelings of vulnerability emerge. Does this mean that if you find a group your worries are over? No, groups and their agendas change constantly, adjustments are needed, just to keep on fitting in. Still, each person we meet might be a teacher we are in need of. He or she tells us something, or makes different choices and the way we view this gift defines who we are.
Finding out what we need/want - but most of all what is uniquely ours to give to the world - is the journey through life.

Normally I'm not one that writes lengthy posts, since I'd rather tell my stories by holding my needle. I nevertheless hope you enjoyed yourself while I took you on a sailing trip through our friendship and Landanna.
Next week my little sister will be writing again despite of all the boxes she still undoubtedly needs to unpack.

Good luck Sweety!
All my love your big sis. e.

"Courtship, For The Love Of It"

Natural Scenes

Note: Images throughout this post (except the first two) depict Elizabeth's art and her photography.

"Amor Vincit Omnia".

I return to my online diary after almost two months absence, in the height of spring, at the onset of white nights and a period of growth and renewal.

A diary is a like a time capsule. It captures events, preserves our thoughts and impressions of a given moment, enabling us to relive our history and revisit our past by reading the written lines. As I scroll through my old posts, the changes my reality underwent over the years make me smile. That is the infinite magic of life - we never know what waits around the next bend.

The two rings I wear today are attestation to two defining moments of such changes in my very recent past.
As long as I live I will recall every single detail of the occasions when these two rings were given to me. My memory is saturated by vivid snapshots of these two extraordinary moments in time. Only ten days apart, they account for the two most important events of my life.

The ring worn on my one hand is my engagement ring.
Beautiful silver ring covered by red garnets. This was the ring with which I was asked to marry the love of my life. In front of our families, on a sunny day this April, the proposal was exactly as the incurable romantic within me always imagined - indeed even better. It took place in the beautiful gardens below the Prague castle, saturated by the first spring bloom. High above the historic city, the man that only a year prior stole my heart went down on one knee underneath the pink blossom of a cherry tree, asking for my hand in marriage.

My engagement lasted barely two weeks.
Exactly ten days later, on the first of this May, I said my second yes in the city hall in our home, receiving a beautiful titanium band that now adorns the ring finger of my other hand. I look at it constantly, as it makes me recall our wedding day, which was shared by the two of us only. I loved the simplicity of this precious, deeply intimate moment in time, which eternelized our love.

Ever since I was a little girl, I had visions and dreams of what my wedding day would be like. I think most little girls - and most single women - do. As I grew into a young woman, those dreams started to slowly fade. Not because I did not wanted to get married, but because I started to worry that the man I was searching for did not exist. As years went by and my relationships fell apart one by one, I gave up on my romantic dreams of getting married. I felt like a stupid old fool, still thinking in a young girls terms.

Still, our reality can change in a blink of an eye and as one of the most trying periods of my life was slowly concluding last year, the one that made me doubt happiness and life itself and I wondered secretly whether I was ever going to be smiling again, my fate turned around.
On a warm April day I took a stroll down by the sea with a handsome man - and my life was never going to be the same again.
He came out of nowhere and I knew he was the one. From the very start everything about him was so very different than anything else that I recognized and could relate to. And everything about him was exactly right. He made me believe again.

Thus that which I gave up on a long time ago came to pass. Several decades later than I ever imagined, the event itself though surpassed all my childhood dreams and will remain imprinted in my memory until the end of my days.

Amor Vincit Omnia.
This was written on the back of one of the wedding cards we received.  
Love Conquers All.
And indeed it does. There are no rules and no manuals when it comes to love. There is no right time, right age or right place. Love is versatile and complicated, yet is is also so very unpretentious and easy. It will come to us when we least expected it and it can not be predicted, anticipated, rushed or manipulated. True love is a product of pure mind, endless courage and incurable hope.

It only takes once to get it right. I waited almost half a century to say my yes, yet in hindsight I realize that I would do it all over again. Finding the man of my dreams is worth the wait of a life time.

Dedicated to my husband - my soul-mate and my best friend.

The Green Lightning.

The very first car that I drove as my own was a bright red, 77 Ford Thunderbird. I have just moved to North Carolina and barely had my license for a year, when I got the privilege to borrow this large wagon for my very own use. I was initially terrified at the mere prospect of sitting behind its wheel, but very quickly grew to love this old American legend.

After it was retired to my friends driveway, I bought my very first own car. It was a red Nissan Sentra with a few years on its back. Today I still have the old North Carolina license plate, which until very recently hang on the wall in my basement and now is tucked away somewhere in a box in storage. It stated "First In Flight" and the last sticker on it was from 99, the year I moved back to Europe.

When I relocated to Denmark, I bought my very first new car. A Toyota Yaris. I can still recall the incredible excitement when I drove it out of the car dealership and onto the road, as it was a beginning to a new life.

A car symbolizes so much and is such an important part of our life. My father can recall all the cars he has ever owned and the memories evoke a plethora of sentiments, as he travels in his mind all the way back to the early sixties and lists them one by one. They all have a place in his heart and all a story or two to tell.

Indeed, a car is often a necessity, at times a luxury but ultimately a possession that we bond with in an uncanny way as it is in our life for extended period of time. Over the years my green Toyota became my friend and recently it even received a nickname; The Green Lightning, as its tiny engine has been pushed to the limit in the past many months, while traveling at high speeds for hundred of miles each day, through any kind of weather.

It has served me well, bringing me safely to many destinations, whether in Denmark or abroad. It has been running smoothly, never letting me down, sparing me major repairs and trips to the mechanic. It has seen me through thick and thin, watched many passengers seated next to me, anything from family members to old friends, fleeting acquaintances, colleagues and boyfriends. It has help me move and transport all my possessions on numerous occasions and today it simply carries on its back more than a decade of my personal history.

Thus it was with a heavy heart that I was recently forced to realize that it's time with me has been concluded.
I had to face the fact that it's technology was outdated, it's power weakened and the heavy commute has begun to leave it's mark. Although fuel efficient at low speeds, it is unbelievably uneconomical at high speeds and it has been draining my wallet and my energy for the past eight months.

I never realized that it would be so difficult to part with a car.
Driving it over to the car dealer this past weekend, the exchange was made and we were presented with a shinning new Polo with state of the art technology and modern look. Gazing at my old friend for the last time, I felt a wave of grief enveloping me and struggled to hold back the tears that filled my eyes all of a sudden. Just like when I left my white house on the hill, there were mixed emotions of happiness over something novel and exciting, but also sadness over saying farewell to something very dear, a presence that has been vital and beneficial in my life for so long.

As I contemplated the wish and hope that after a quick make over it might still serve very well to someone new, I was handed the keys to my new car. Gazing at its shiny hood, I could not help but feel that it was smiling at me.
Thus I knew this was the beginning of a new, beautiful friendship.

Courage and Passion.

"Courage to let go of fears and insecurities, courage to take a leap of faith, courage to surrender to our destiny and ultimately courage to give into love and to life itself, despite the incredible uncertainty of the future.
And I intend to be courageous with a fiery passion, as passion is what I do best."

The above lines were the final sentences in my post almost exactly a year ago. Today they feel so ominous, as they are the very essence of the experiences, which defined 2011 for me.

Brand new twelve months await and as we enter January and our reality is once again a pristine canvas, so much has the possibility to unfold.
Being in an entirely different place than I was a year ago, I still wish to be courageous with passion, as I will truly need a lot of both to get me through 2012. I know without any doubt that hardship awaits, but I hope that it will be lessened by the love and happiness that fills my heart.

A few days back, when I brought the large case filled with empty containers back into the house from our garage, in order to pack away our Christmas ornaments, a sudden movement within one of the boxes startled me. A dark small shape jumped into my view, only to disappear deeper into the trunk, small feet scurrying within the case, under all the tinsel and ornament crates, causing me to hold my breath and freeze with surprise. I grabbed the case and carried it quickly outside, far away from Sammy's proximity (the cat). Removing all the empty boxes one by one, I finally reached the bottom of the trunk and the small culprit, that has chewed its contents into pieces. A little mouse stared right back at me, its eyes dark like two onyx buttons, the nose pink and ears drawn back. Crouching in the corner, paralyzed by fear, it stood still long enough for me to get a few snapshots, watching me intensely before vanishing into the shrubs through a small hole in the case.

I had to smile with amusement, as this was my first close encounter with a mouse ever. Contemplating this I realized that even though considered vermin and a nuisance, mice are actually very symbolic animals.
Having a distinctive place in the Chinese horoscope, a mouse or a rat stands for frugality, determination, perseverance and courage and even new beginnings and rebirth. And then there is the fable of The Lion and The Mouse, a favourite of mine ever since I was a child.

Thus I guess my chance meeting with a cute rodent was indeed allegorical. A small vivacious animal that found enough courage to look me in the eye, as if to remind me to be courageous myself, embracing - with fiery passion - all that awaits down the line.

Unthinkably Good Things.

When I was a child, Christmas was an enchanted time. The whole month of December resonated with incredible bliss. The anticipation, the decorations, the various traditions, the scents, my family - it all created a harmonious atmosphere which filled me with happiness.

I recall how unthinkable it was to me then that some could perceive this time so very differently. Those that felt loneliness and sorrow, for one reason or another. Those who felt excluded from this unified joy and for whom during the Holiday Season the world turned into torment and melancholy.
Thus, when I found myself celebrating one New Year's Eve all alone not that long time ago, I did shed a small tear realizing that I had to endure what I thought would never happen to me - being lonely and sad.

Today, within the walls of our warm and cosy home, one that exuberates safety and comfort, as I sit surrounded by people that truly love me like I was loved once before, I become slightly sentimental recalling all these moments in my past. Seeing the children with so much excitement and expectations in their faces, those memories of Christmas celebrations from my own childhood come streaming back. And yet again, that feeling of happiness and unity I once felt seems to fill my world.

Lady Fortune has finally granted me my wishes, those that I carried with me as dreams for what seems like an eternity. They are packaged slightly differently than I envisioned, yet they are my wishes indeed. Today I wonder why I had to reach this late age to finally find that which has been so elusive my whole adult life.
Perhaps our dreams can only be appreciated and savored fully when achieving them takes all that we have got. Perhaps we are to walk those lonely and difficult paths to learn those vital lessons that will become our old age wisdom. Maybe if I would have been granted all that I wanted at an early age, I would never have been where I am now nor would I have seen what I have seen. Additionally, I would have not appreciated what I have been blessed with so passionately and valued it so strongly. Maybe the best is worth waiting for.

To live fully is to dare.
We need an ounce of luck along the way of course, but the quality of our lives is at all times determined by our own actions, something that became very clear to me this year. Thus, as this very important period in my life is closing towards its end, I look back upon the past twelve months and feel thankful, blessed, excited and ultimately surprised. I feel reflective, amazed and endlessly happy.
But most of all, I feel fulfilled, as I am finally exactly where I want to be, even if it took me half a lifetime to get here.

The below clip contains one of the final scenes from one of my favorite movies entitled "Under The Tuscan Sun".  Today I feel the sentiments expressed within these images and words mirror my own life, as indeed - "Unthinkably good things can happen even late in the game..."

Every Love...

"All, everything that I understand, 
I understand only because I love."
 Leo Tolstoy

 We are in the midst of the holiday season and I feel it is time to revisit that subject that lies so very close to my heart - the subject of love. I have written about love before - and many of you recall this, I am sure.
I have written about love the way I have known it and perceived it at that given time, with honesty and passion. I am convinced that love is what I live for and why I was born - I am here to love and to be loved. In fact, everything I have ever done in my life has been in the name of love.

Despite this, the surpassing emotion has truly been quiet elusive in my life.
Until now.

In my past I have loved with fiery passion and I have loved many times. But the bliss never lasted, always ending with someones heart shattered in pieces - thus I became almost convinced that the romantic love was not meant for me.

"Every love is different" - once I was told these words by a brief acquittance and today I feel they are the most profound words ever said about love.
I believe with all my being that we can love more than once and that indeed, each time we love differently. Not more or less, not stronger or weaker, not more passionately or more distantly, not for the first time nor the last. Just differently.

I believe that a human heart is capable of breaking and mending endlessly. It is resilient and can recover fully, if we only allow it to feel and heal, never sheltering it or hiding it away. It will only grow stronger when given away.
Love has no beginning nor end. It is constant and it infuses everything. It is pure and when it is right, it is enough and it is all we need. The lucky few find that kind of love instantly, while the rest of us might have to look for it feverishly.
Still it only takes once to get it right - and when we do, we will know.

The capability to love is one of the most precious abilities we posses. Therefore I do not regret loving in my past, as I know that the love I gave away was never lost. Ultimately we will receive as much as we give. It might take years and even decades for this generosity to be returned, but if we only persevere and believe in its allure, one day true love will come streaming back to illuminate our existence.

(I made - and shared - the clip below last year, however I feel it can be reused. I dedicate it to all of you, whether you feel loved or lonely this Christmas, and whether you are with the ones you love or miss them dearly...) 



(Images in the post: Photobucket
Images in the clip, my own photography)

Enchanted Evening Sky.

I have stated numerous times in the past how much I love the month of June. I love this month due so many reasons.
I relish in its youth - as it is the first month of the summer.
I relish in its bloom - as it is the month when all my fragrant shrubs and bushes bloom.
And most of all - I relish in its light - as it it is the month of white nights and the summer solstice.

I am summer child and as such I am vivacious and full of life and passion. I also hold a certain sensitivity to natural wonders and thus I will forever stand mesmerized when watching the evening heavens in the sixth month of the year, the annual midpoint.

This year, the longest day of the solstice offered spectacular skies, which came across as endlessly enchanting, almost divine or biblical, full of dramatic thunderheads with shooting sun-ray beams, painting my westerly view in cool azure blue mixed with platinum white and anthracite grey, adding a hint of warm orange.

Trying to eternalize the evening skies with my camera, I was overwhelmed by a plethora of sentimental emotions. Prevailingly a certain soft sadness, bordering on gentle melancholy, as I became aware of one unmistakable fact - once again the threshold of light has been crossed...

A Love Story.

I have written about love before, numerous times. I posses a romantic mind, a passionate heart and a strong conviction that life without love isn't much of a life. Despite pain and disappointments, which often rule the world, the proof of love's infinite allure and true existence is nevertheless endlessly obvious.

Considering it is Valentine's Day today, I thought I would revisit this emotion once again and I do so with great pleasure and joy.

To love is to live and to be able to continue feeling love throughout life is a gift. Love takes many shapes and can be expressed in so many ways. It can be romantic or platonic, fleeting and everlasting, unrequited or unconditional, passionate or tender, flamboyant or covert - but it has one single constant - it defines us as human beings and makes life bearable. It inspires great artists, musicians, writers and poets and it comes across as the reason why we are here, as it connects us all.

The romantic love is often viewed as an illusion. The cynics will say it is a short lived infatuation, almost a clinical condition - an illness if you will. A possession that makes us blind, as we view reality through the eyes of temporary insanity. Perhaps that is the truth. But perhaps those who believe this never really had the courage to fall in love.

As I know it takes courage to fall the way that makes us look foolish and exposed, utterly vulnerable, while we risk being ridiculed and ultimately have our heart shattered into thousands of pieces. Nevertheless, to give fearlessly into those transcending feelings despite the knowledge that we might be forced to walk away empty handed and disappointed is the essence of true love - this is the only way I know how to love.

Thus the love stories of great sacrifices are the most romantic of them all in my eyes. The ones where great men and at times women would give up so much, as they simply could not see themselves face a life where the object of their desire was not present.

Such is the tale of King Edward of England and his love, Wallis Simpson, an American divorcee for whom the king gave up his throne. Some view this as the love story of the century, while many as a scandal that threatened to weaken the monarchy.

I fall into the first category, in no uncertain terms.

Edward became king in January 1936 and had many desires to become a modern monarch. He intended to marry Wallis Simpson, a woman he fell deeply and passionately in love with and who returned his love with the same token. However, he was informed by the prime minister that his subjects would deem the marriage morally unacceptable, largely because remarriage after divorce was opposed by the Church of England, and the people would not tolerate Wallis as Queen.

Thus after only barely a year on the throne, in December 1936, Edward, now reverted to the style of prince, made a broadcast to the nation and the Empire, explaining his decision to abdicate. He famously said, 

"I have found it impossible to carry the heavy burden of responsibility and to discharge my duties as king as I would wish to do, without the help and support of the woman I love."

Wallis and Edward married in a small ceremony on June 3, 1937. They remained shun by the royal family and forced into exile for the rest of their lives; nevertheless they remained loyally devoted to each other until the Duke's death in Paris in 1972. Wallis died 14 years later in 1986.
They are buried beside one another in the royal burial grounds of Windsor Castle.

Carpe Diem.

Carpe diem, quam minimum credula postero – 
"Seize the Day, putting as little trust as possible in the future"
Quintus Horatius Flaccus
Roman Poet

I recall that when I was a little girl, having very little perception of time, it felt endless and vast. Future was far removed from my consciousness while I dreamed of adventures ahead of me, all that would come to pass once I became an adult. Old age and death was a time span so alien to my thinking, it never preoccupied my mind.

As a teenager, my favorite sentence with which I would strike a conversation used to be "When I grow up, I will..." . I was already a dreamer at a very young age and my dreams only grew and developed, never to cease. When I still carried on this way close to being twenty, my mother used to gently make me aware of how ridiculous I started to sound as I was already an adult and indeed all grown up.

Nevertheless, despite my vivid imagination and the dreams and the adventures which I envisioned as a young girl, I realized at an early age that indeed the future very rarely turns out the way we wish. Thus I learned to distinguish between the idea of having dreams and making plans.

Life without dreams is like gazing at a night sky never to see the stars or the moon. Our dreams and hopes define who we are and they add a dimension to our days, making our time here count. But to plan a future is an impossible task, leading to terrible disappointments and heartaches. Perhaps it also causes us to miss out on the best that life has to offer, as the best in life lies in the unexpected and unplanned, in detours and wrong turns.

The beautiful aphorism at the beginning of this post has always made sense to me and to the sentiments with which I view my reality. Despite the fact that I enjoy taking sentimental walks in my past, recollecting unforgettable moments in time, I never dwell on years gone by, nor do I live with one single regret. I lack capability to do so, perhaps because I live in the present. I make decision today, basing them on the knowledge I carry with me presently, deciding with my heart, my intuition and my conscience. This comes naturally to me - every hour in every day has an incredible potential and I view it as priceless and unique.

The minutes as I am typing this will never come to pass again. The light will never again fall in that angle across my keyboard, nor will the same clouds be passing across the sky. The same last sun rays, as the remains of the day move towards the time of twilight, will never shine on my face again the way they do at this very moment, making it so very extraordinary.

As much as I relish in dreaming of the future, I also realize it doesn't belong to me. Not yet at least. And therein lies the infinite magic of life. Despite the fact that the future can feel uncertain and can fill us with feelings of anxiety and apprehension, those same reasons make it wonderfully exciting. Not knowing what might come to pass is endlessly exhilarating.
To worry about what life might throw our way will only make us live in fear and prevent us from taking decisions, from making necessary changes and from taking chances.
I recall once stumbling upon a great set of sentences to the likes that if we expect troubles, we will experience them twice. Furthermore it is futile to prepare oneself for less than pleasant circumstances for two reasons: one; what we worry about might not come to pass, two; usually the troubles we worry about the least are the ones that will occur.

The past is forever gone, the future is not ours to see - thus all we are left with is the present. To live fully we need to embrace everything that comes our way, while we keep our positive outlook and a childish innocence. In my perception, carpe diem means not to just live today, but to realize that the magic of today is all we truly posses.
And that is often more than enough.

"One has to abandon altogether the search for security, and reach out to the risk of living with both arms. One has to court doubt and darkness as the cost of knowing. One needs a will stubborn in conflict, but apt always to total acceptance of every consequence of living and dying."
Morris L. West 

Halfway Through...

Reaching mid January, we have reached midwinter. Surprisingly, it has arrived much faster than I have anticipated.

Our December was unusually white and sunny, thus there has been an overall lack of grey, drizzly and dark twilight days, that are so common at my latitudes.

Even though currently the snow is slowly melting away - compliments of our first serious winter thaw - the initial weeks of this month have passed with unprecedented speed.

Winter holds very little of my affection. However, recently my mindset has reached an altered state, where every season has grown to encompass a novel meaning in my eyes. To my surprise, there has been a total absence of the depression that I usually feel around this time of the year. Maybe I have instinctively realized a purpose to everything that nature - and our destiny - undertakes and my perception seems to be in tune with it's master plan, bringing a certain peace into my whole being. A true happiness and content that has been lacking in my days for a long time...

Midwinter is palpable everywhere and to me it symbolizes a continuous time of rest and stillness, just like at the onset of this cold season. Nevertheless, very gently and in a very subtle way, I can also sense notions of anticipation. A suggestive awareness lying beneath the stillness, a renewal process taking place, as nature prepares to commence yet another cycle of life and growth.

Crossing The Annual Doorway.

The God of the Doorway is yet again ruling our present.
January is here and with it, all the bittersweet sentiments that come from endings and simultaneous beginnings.

As we brush away the confetti from our hair, recovering from champagne daze and smoke of fireworks - whether we make resolutions or not - we are all facing a pristine year ahead of us. It is ready to be seized and conquered, made into anything we like, as long as we dare to dream and imagine.

Just like the two faced God Janus, looking forward and backward, I can not help but feel a sense of nostalgia as I let go of the last twelve months of my own life. A time of so many changes, a time of happiness and sorrow, of laughter and pain, and most of all a time filled with so many unforgettable moments, those that will become a silver lining on the mental photographs stored in the corners of my memories.  I feel enriched and grateful for all that destiny has bestowed upon me as yet another year is added to the creases of my face. However the lines instigate a strong sense of satisfaction, not dismay. They tell a tale of a year lived and that is is all that I aspire to.

Looking ahead, there is so much promise in the commencing twelve months and I intend to embrace it all, without restrictions. After all, experiences have taught me, that life brings our way wonderful things, but it often takes courage to savor them fully.

Courage to let go of fears and insecurities, courage to take a leap of faith, courage to surrender to our destiny and ultimately courage to give into love and to life itself, despite the incredible uncertainty of the future.

And I intend to be courageous with a fiery passion, as passion is what I do best.
Happy 2011 everyone.

That Transcending Emotion...

Love.
That fleeting, yet such a completely transcending emotion; one that makes us feel so fragile and invincible, simultaneously.
At times I truly doubt that the romantic kind of love was ever meant for me - still I do believe and rejoice in its existence for others. As it is that one single human sentiment, which makes everything worth our while.

Even though some of us might feel lonely right now, missing that special connection with another human being, I believe we are never really alone - as love connects us all...
I became reminded of this belief by a set of touching sentences of comfort, send to me recently by a stranger, yet a kindred soul. Her poignant words resonated so strongly within me, I decided to share them here with you;

"Many people forget we belong together as one Universal family - when we forget we feel isolated... The Soul knows no ego, no pride nor fear of humiliation, whilst acting from the heart..."

Such a powerful message from an unexpected source...

Christmas is the time to remember those we love and have loved, no matter what kind of love that might be. As love takes all shapes and travels across vast distances to warm those we hold dear.

To celebrate this surpassing and collective emotion of Love, I have compiled a few of my favourite love quotes in the clip below, using my best winter photographs and the harmonies of one of the infinitely most poetic and romantic songs ever written.

I dedicate it to all of you, whether you feel loved or lonely this Christmas, and whether you are with the ones you love or miss them dearly...

Destined Encounters.

Fundamentally, I am a fatalist. I am also an optimist and a romantic, however I think I have my feet firmly on the ground, anchored in a basal reality, even though my head is in the clouds. And my heart somewhere in between.

At times I can be naive, but I always pay attention to the unseen and the unsaid. Being perceptive, for better or worse, I believe that everything we need to succeed  - in whatever endeavor we set upon - is to listen to our instincts. Our gut feeling, if you will.
And to meet the right people - or rather be sensitive enough to realize when we do.

I often think about all the different individuals, both men and women, that have crossed my path in the past.
Relationship wise, I am a walking disaster, as I have not been able to make any of my past romantic involvements last. Despite this though, all the men that I did let close to me were great people, displaying uncanny character and a beauty of mind. They were unique in one way or another and all inspired me to grow and flourish. In a certain sense they were my teachers, arriving in my life when I needed what they had to offer the most. Exposing me to new worlds, making me see reality with new eyes, bringing the best out in me - for a given time. I met them all in a very unusual or even non traditional way, perhaps because I did sense the incredible potential in these random meetings. And I fell deeply in love with them all - and love them all today still in a certain way.

The women of my past have all been great confidants, sharing with me precious and intense moments in my life. Their personalities varied, depending on what age I was when I did strike the friendship. But very often they were complete opposites of me, perhaps as they complemented me in a certain way and thus offered the support I yearned for. They were all my best friends in that period of time and made me feel happy and fulfilled. Today I laugh with amusement or cry with great sense of sentimentality recollecting those intense years spend in their company. Their faces look back at me from old photographs and their names from the pages of dusty diaries, reminding me of the infinite beauty that a human heart harbors. And is capable to give away...

I still do maintain contact with some of these wonderful human beings that have touched my life. Some came into it to stay. Some were only there for a moment, to play the part they were suppose to, in order for me to grow. Intellectually, emotionally and perhaps also mentally.

I believe there are no random meetings. The people that we meet are meant to come our way and we should never pass up on an opportunity to get to know them. If we listen to our inner voice and pay attention to the signs the world present us with every day, however subtle they are, wonderful experiences await.

I feel blessed to have made many memorable encounters in my past and I hope there are many in the future yet to come. Those that give rise to incredible potential and alter my reality in the most profound way. Ultimately I hope that my presence in the lives of others - whether lasting or brief - have impacted theirs in very much the same way.