August 22, 2011

Twenty One Grams.

There is a theory, somewhat controversial and often discredited, which proposes that when a human being passes on, the body weights exactly twenty one grams less then when alive. Thus it has been suggested that this is the weight of a soul.

I wonder, if one could weigh my white house on the hill today, whether it woudl be weighing less than when I lived there. As these days it certainly feels as if the "soul has left the building".

Selling a home is a strange process. No matter the reason, whether one wants to do it or is forced to, there is a certain feel of termination of life in this conduct.
I believe a home is created.
It is built out of love and affection and supported by people, by their laughter and tears and foremost by their presence. Once this is removed from a building, it becomes an empty framework, a lifeless construction, a foreign place.

I take very little pleasure in visiting the house these days.
I do it nevertheless - out of necessity - on regular bases and will continue to do so until it is sold. The selling however is not going all that well I am afraid, considering the financial crises that has spread once again through the world like an infectious disease.

Thus the house, that one place that once brought me joy, safety and comfort has now become a burden. A lifeless shell, a forced commitment, a financial affliction. It comes across like shackles around my ankles, keeping me imprisoned in the past, preventing me from moving on into my future.
It is today a far cry from the place I once knew and loved, so endlessly removed from my perception, demanding my care and draining my energy.

I never ever believed that I would feel these kind of emotions. They are a mixture of sadness, deep melancholy and a bittersweet recollection of another life all together. One that is only removed a few months in time, but decades in my perception.
It is a very odd realization and a truly shocking surprise.

Thus I linger there only for a moment.
Almost immediately upon entering I am enveloped by a feeling of being in a foreign place. My things are still there - I recognize all the furniture and the decor - but it does not feel at all cosy or familiar. Even the scent is different. I catch myself being in a hurry as I water the plants, open the windows, sort through the surface mail. Dust of the shelves, sweep the floor.
I simply can not wait to be on my way again.

In short moments though, when I gaze at the framed photographs of familiar faces and sit down for an instant, gazing out of my westbound windows at a stunning landscape and open sky - a wave of memories comes sweeping back.
But they do not stay with me, it seems they only pass me by, reminding me to remain thankful and most of all respectful.

They caution me to never ever forget the beautiful moments I once spend between these walls, together with all the people that helped me made it a home.

One day I will leave it forever.
It will become a shelter for someone new, keeping them happy and safe.
One day new life will move into the white house on a hill and bring back its soul.

30 comments:

Lilybets said...

I believe that bad people make bad homes,that absorb like sponges: love,negative,strong and envy...I'm living in a dark and old flat of my mother in law,she was unhappy all her life,because she did something but not able to go back...this has made her full of rage and resentment.He transferred these to her daughter,husband and son...now they are ansious and not happy without to find the reasons.Now that I live here I feel alone and sad,this is not guit of the house but of its owner. Your home looks beautiful,tell it thank you to hav divided with you kind and sad moments and experience and go on.Sorry for my English written,I'm italian and improving it.Have a nice day.

Elizabeth said...

The White house of the hill, so many memories. All the times I saw your pictures, each time I read about this special place and when I visited it felt like a warm blanket, so inviting. Now that you have left it, it is standing there lonely on the hill.

Lynne said...

What interesting observations Zuzana. I recognize much of what you say from a the time when my father died and the family home had become a burden to my mother, needing attention which she felt powerless to provide in her grief.
I suppose we are in a similiar position to you at the moment, waiting for our house in Sweden to sell so that we can move forward with our plans. I hope you get a sale soon.

Hilary said...

Very nicely expressed, Zuzana. You're leaving a lot of good (and not so good) memories behind. They will contribute to the feel of this house for the next person. Just as we leave a bit of ourselves with other people, we do the same for our homes.. and they for us. I hope it sells soon so that you no longer need to worry about it. Or perhaps you might want to consider renting it...

Becky~ said...

This was just lovely Zuzana.I never heard such beautiful thoughts put so well.People do make the house a home,with lots of love and happiness.

Kath said...

A Blog friend recently sent me a hand made picture, with words arrange the border saying "A house is made of bricks and stone, a home is made of love alone".
Isn't that lovely?
People asked me how I could bear to leave Railway cottage as it was so beautiful, but my heart was already elsewhere, so I think I understand what you describe xx

Cottage Garden said...

Like others have commented I can relate to your thoughts here too Zuzana. Homes that were once full of life and laughter can become a burden when one moves on - for whatever reason. Memories will be forged in your new home - as they are even now! Life is a series of doors closing and windows opening - letting in all kinds of possibilities and a happier future.

The White House on the Hill will be loved again I'm sure and I do hope you get a sale soon.

I meant to ask, how is dear Batcat coping with the move?

Jeanne
xox

Julie Hibbard said...

I LOVE that you and I seem to experience seasons of life and living at almost the exact same time. I, too, sold my house earlier this year, and not because I wanted to. I was a victim of this sad economy. You describe my feelings EXACTLY when I went into the house.
What turned me around was realizing how sad MY HOME was to see me go! My HOME was now just a house without my love, care, joy, friends and without the LIFE that I brought to it.
From that point on, I would almost 'talk' to it and tell it that it was ok to belong to someone else now...it was time for another person to love it.
It sold two days later.
My home needed to let go of ME.
PS I move into my NEW home this week. And OH is that house happy to have me!
*This may be my blog post tonight!

auntie12 said...

Sorry that your lovely life change, has also caught you up, in this world-wide recession. Sorry...

But being as your former home is still furnished and you keep it up, I'm sure someone will come and fall in love with it. And then you will no longer feel it as a burden. And it will feel like HOME, to the next person.

Gentle hugs...

Brian Miller said...

appreciate the home for what it was and what it brought to you...you were certainly surrounded by beauty as we saw in your pics...when it is time to move on, the house does lose something but i hope you continue to look back on it fondly...

ladyfi said...

It's strange how life can change so rapidly and suddenly and that a beloved house can turn into a shell when the people we love are somewhere else in a new home...

Here's hoping you sell the house quickly!

Bossy Betty said...

So beautifully written and it reminds us how our homes are infused with love and comfort only when we are infused with the same. Lots to consider here. Thank you so much for this beautiful post.

Myrna R. said...

I hope this process ends for you soon, so you can truly move on and not develope bad feelings towards the house. It is so beautiful. Wish I could buy it myself. Good luck with all this Zuzana and don't let it spoil the life you are now making.

LadyCat said...

Places do absorb the energies of those who spend time in them. When my loved ones aren't in my home, the energy is different.
It is sad to leave your old home, but I know your new home is full of the energy of your loved ones. And it is time for your beloved white house to share itself with someone who will need it's comfort, as you once did.

Amanda said...

i am taking these words to heart, to get ready for the day when i leave my beloved home. we cancerians have a tough time leaving our nests — god bless, zuzana - wishing you strength and joy in your journey.

xoxo

amanda

adrielleroyale said...

It is so true that a home is made...I will pray that it sells quickly so that your wonderful memories are not tainted by the burden of the house which held them. Blessings!!

SandyCarlson said...

That's powerful. And true. Reminds me of when we sold my grandmother's house that her parents had built in 1914. It was like selling a bit of our souls to strangers. It stopped being the family home and became a wooden thing. I like to think the good karma of a solid family stayed to bless the new occupants, though.

Rajesh said...

Change is always emotional.

Lord Thomas of Wellington said...

As the old saying, "A house is not a home". As I get older, there is more to look back on and ponder. I think the same thing, Zuzana, when I see older country houses and barns; where are the dwellers, what was it like when in full operation with a family and their activities. Have a great day and lets look to the future which is ours as we enjoy and take in the present! :)

Rosie said...

It's so true, Zuzana, that a home is created by the people who live there. It is truly a strange emotion that you experience when you transition from one home to the next. I hope the sale of your "white house on the hill" goes swiftly and you can begin making new memories in your new home.

Corinne Rodrigues said...

You made that house what it was Zuzana..and now that you've moved on it doesn't have the same pull since your heart and love are elsewhere. Have no regrets but leave it in love. I'm sure the good vibes you left will be passed on to the new owner...

Rosezilla said...

It's hard when you've moved on, to be dragged back. Sort of like being in limbo. Hopefully the house will soon be made a home by another person who loves it as you did.

Rebecca said...

I have not read the other comments above, so if I repeat anything, I apologize. Anyway, this really puts that phrase "home is where the heart is" into perspective, doesn't it? I know exactly how you feel and what you are going through. I've been doing this myself over the last year. It is a very difficult, emotional process. I really hope you can find some peace very soon and that you will have your home back, where ever and however that might be. Sending good vibes your way.

Angela Bell said...

I think moving house is one of the biggest stresses in life but we have to do it sometimes.You will remeber the times when that house was really important but now your life has moved on.I hope yoir new home will be full of love. lol Angela

steviewren said...

Poor lonely white house...I bet it misses you and the Batcat.

Susan Deborah said...

I have another question in relation to yours, Zuzana. Does the soul of the house also transport along with you when you leave and occupy another place? I wonder whether there is a separate home-soul which is establishes everytime we set up a new home.

Like Myrna, I wish that the process ends faster and that you will be in peace as you make the new house into a home.

Joy and peace,
Susan

Sukanya said...

I can totally understand your feelings Zuzana. It is definitely difficult to give off something that was a part of us. Hope this phase ends soon for you. I will definitely miss the lovely pics you used to post for us from this beautiful house!!

Wishing you well!!

-
Sukanya

Zuzana said...

Lilybets, Elizabeth, Lynne, Hilary, Becky, Kath, Jeanne, Julie, auntie, Brian, ladyfi, Betty, Myrna, LadyCat, Amanda, adrielle, Sandy, Rajesh, Tom, Rosie, Corinne, Rosezilla, Rebecca, Angela, Stevie, Susan and Sukanya – thank you all for sharing with me your own sentiments when it comes to leaving behind a house that once was home. And what home as a term means to you.

It is with sadness that I have left the house I once called a home, but I truly hope one day it will become the same loving and sheltered place to someone new. I hope someone will step through its door and find “heaven on Earth”, just like I once did. I believe it is only waiting for the right person, like it once waited for me…

Thank you my dear friend for your words of empathy and comfort.

Xoxo
Zuzana

Jill from Killeny Glen said...

SO beautifully written Zuzana. I did NOT want to move to The Glen...but then...it became home and my once cozy little house we came from became foreign...a lovely piece.

Zuzana said...

Jill, thank you for sharing that with me, it helps to know others have felt similar sentiments.;)) Always happy when you stop by .;)
xoxo