July 23, 2012

Year One.

The first anniversary of my move north came and went, without much notice on my part. Last week however, some reoccurring, yearly sport event made me realize that by mid July I have indeed spend one year in my new home.

I can safely conclude that these have been the best twelve months of my life. At times I view my life as a combinations of assorted segments. Personal eras that start and end with defying events. Taken together they make me feel like I have already lived several lifetimes combined into one. Last year yet again another new era started and I am endlessly excited about the novel prospects that await in my future.

Most of all I am looking forward to move to a new house, a house that I will hopefully one day soon purchase together with my husband. The period of looking, searching and planning is endlessly exciting. My old white house has been taken off the market and I am becoming a landlord, renting it out until it can be sold at a good price in the future. Today it is a buyers marked and the sellers have to comply, thus I guess we better take advantage of this fact and become buyers instead.

Time is definitely occupying my thinking as of lately. Yet, the avenues have shifted slightly and I have found myself contemplating the subject of death.
I have never contemplated it to any deeper extend before. Of course, just like everyone else, I too am scared of dying, but the fear that recently enveloped me is not the fear of death and the pain of the event itself, more the fear of the finality that it brings.

I dread the end of my consciousness.
The end of experiences, excitement and adventures, of new possibilities and unforgettable moments. I love to be alive - despite the pain and suffering, there is also so much beauty and magic at every turn, so much new to be discovered every day. The termination of all this a horrid and appalling idea. At least, unless one is a believer, death definitely brings an end to life as we know it. I truly feel these have been some of the most haunting thoughts I have ever had. Perhaps they are born out of the surprising and overwhelming happiness that defines my life currently, forcing me to see the other end of the scale. Taking a peak into an abyss that I know awaits, one day. As always, we fear the unknown - and death is by far the most certainly occurring unknown there is.

It feels as if our summer has not really begun - due to the absolutely unseasonable weather we have had. Yet small signs here and there tell me undoubtedly that my favourite season has passed its peak.
I just noticed that our rowan is already displaying half ripen berries. Plants, bushes and trees are now big and lush, having attained that deep dark green, signifying that their growth is slowing down and ceasing.

Yet for the first time ever this does not bring sadness into my perception. On the contrary, slowly a joy starts to gain hold, an anticipation and excitement, similar to the one I used to experience as a little girl when Christmas was approaching. Soon a true countdown will begin, as I await the return of the man I love.
With about five weeks left of our separation, I have finally allowed myself to slowly visualize his homecoming in my mind. Thus at last I can glimpse the light at the end of the dark tunnel and the approaching fall season has never looked more appealing and never been more anticipated in my eyes than this year.


Rahul Bhatia said...

Best wishes on completion of one year of move and wishing you tons of happiness ahead, Zuzana!

lilybets said...

..you have been fighted with the pain and sadness having the courage to start again to smile,God bless you and erase the fair from your heart,I wish you all the best!

Colleen said...

Zuzana, there is so much in this post! First, congratulations on such a full and joyful year. I am so happy for you. Also I wish you the very best of luck in seeking a new home. As for thoughts of the finality of death, it is truly something to contemplate in a way. I think it is what brings meaning and LIFE to our living. Myself I don't believe that death is the end, but I certainly believe that this life is my chance to prove in a sense what it is that I believe and my chance to love and do good for others and to grow. It is hard to visulaize beyond that simply because we are so very present in our lives.

As for the weather...I too have not felt as though we have had a summer yet. It's much the same here in Norway. While there have been a few good days, it has been dark, rainy and very cool out. I feel like we are already experiencing fall.:) I have many plants that should flower in May/ June usually that still haven't opened their buds!

Anyway I wish you a peaceful and joyfully expectant five weeks of countdown!

Have a wonderful day!

A Lady's Life said...

Life is Good Zuzana even with the bad and there is always a better day ahead if you just wait for it.
I am not afraid of death. I only wish when that day comes it takes me away quietly in my sleep.
Once I was in a deep sleep and almost experienced that out of body experience people talk about where you come out of your body and float on a string.
But I became too scared and pulled myself back and woke up. Wow That was something. Life is energy and we don't know if our soul is without a brain or consciousness.We sleep and we dream and we don't remember it and when we are put under we sleep and we dont remember because we don't see or hear.
Our soul must be energy and attached to the brain so everything that's in the brain has to go with it. This is why we speak of old souls.And with 11 different dimensions, there is always the possibility we hear other energies like Bethoven was deaf and heard music and Picasso received images to paint on canvas.
I think our senses pick up on waves from the universe and we are creative because of it.It affects everything we do.

S. Susan Deborah said...

Zuzana, first off: Many congratulations and I so very deeply happy and elated for you.

Though on the surface, this post seems like recollecting the pleasures of a year passed by, there is a deeper layer to your post which left me thinking and wondering. The passage of life always kindles many such thoughts in our internal self.

Zuzana, I wish you eternal joy (I have always wished this for you and yours). The small light at the end of the tunnel is what keeps us going and stops us from giving up. Life is a series of bright and dark paths.

Lots of love and peace to you.

Joy always,

sprinkles said...

Time sure flies, doesn't it? It seems to fly a lot quicker, the older I get.

Thank you for the sweet comment on my blog. It's funny how Coreen talked about death on her blog, and you mention it in your post too!

I told Coreen that I wasn't scared of death. I kind of lied. After thinking about it, I realized I actually am. I'm necessarily worried about it for myself, but for my boys. I worry there won't be anyone to take care of my dogs, or that they'll be separated.

About the time your husband comes home is about the time I'll start back to school. I know it's not good to wish time away, but I really miss school and am anxious to get started again. Once it starts up though, I know I'll be cursing it and wishing for another break! lol

sprinkles said...

*I'm NOT necessarily worried about it for myself, but for my boys.

Mimi said...

Happy Anniversary!
I guess one reason why it went unnoticed is that your love is apart from you at the moment, but have huge celebrations when he returns!
I too have been contemplating death, Zuzana (maybe it's an "era" thing?!), and decided if you can face the fear of death, you are then freed, because it's the ultimate fear, and we will all die. I haven't faced it yet.
I thought of you in Bratislava, knew it was the country of your birth, but didn't know you hadn't been there. Zuzana, it's lovely, beautiful buildings etc. but the people are the most fantastic thing about it...they are LOVELY! I'll be writing some posts on it this week.
Enjoy your week, dear Zuzana.

Julie Hibbard said...

As always, you are so inspirational and thought provoking. Interestingly, just updated a will that I had written about four years ago. I, too, have been thinking about my demise, yet for the same reasons as you: I am loving life SO much at this point, I want to REMIND myself to appreciate and truly LIVE each day...there are no guarantees and we all know that too well.
You're constant sunshine in my world!
Enjoy the day!

Brian Miller said...

i figure since death is coming i have no need to worry about it...i prepare...having a will is great so they know what to do after...you are so full of life i know that the shadow of death will not cloud that...smiles...

i am glad this is the best year of your life...that is awesome...and best wishes on finding the house...great idea on renting your house at least then you can make some money in the interim..it comes with its own headaches but i hope they are few....

happy monday.


Slamdunk said...

Congrats on your almost-year Zuzana.

And thanks for the meaningful reflection.

Looking forward to reading about your big reunion.

Maggi said...

Congratulations on your first year in your new home and good luck with finding another one. Much reflection going on here but also the uplifting anticipation of your reunion.

Reading Tea Leaves said...

It will be an exciting time when you start looking for a new home together. The next step in your happiness Zuzana. Enjoy it, cherish it.

Weatherwise, we have turned a corner this weekend. After months of seemingly endless rain and cool temperatures we are basking in something of a heatwave! The garden looks lovely and meals are taken outside on the patio. Wonderful!

Hope it's more summer-like over there in Denmark now:-)


Donna said...

Congratulations on the one year anniversary of your move north. Time moves quickly, sometimes, and other times it seems to take forever. I hope the next five weeks go quickly for you.


Ruby said...

I love your pictures Zuzanna. I have never been afraid of death :)) Have a great week! xoxxo Ruby

Myrna R. said...

Zuzana, as I read your post, I am amazed at how time has taken its course. It seems like yesterday that you met your husband, and moved from the white house. A lot has happened. So glad, that the countdown will begin soon, and more exciting times await you.

Amanda Summer said...

it's the beginning of a new week, and i am thinking of you as the weeks pass by, each one bringing you closer to your beloved. it will happen very soon, zuzana, you will be in his arms.

for now, i recommend a book that i recently read, entitled "dying to be me" by anita moorjani. it is her story of a near death experience from which she came back and would never fear death again. if it's not in bookstores where you live you can order it online. i guarantee it will bring a great deal of comfort to you on this issue.

with love and blessings in the week ahead,



Rajesh said...

Wish you happy anniversary. I am glad you consider last 12 months as best time in your life.

Kendra Quilts said...

No reason at all to fear death....it is the beginng of life..eternally with all everone who are christians. This is hell on earth, Heaven is joy and peace forever more!!

Kim said...

this is so interesting to me that you have been thinking about death lately. I have too and I have been having the same thoughts~in fact I woke up in the night and was startled by the thought of the end of consciousness and how long is forever. Why are we thinking these things? I am glad I am not alone in these thoughts though. I thank you for your mindly comraderie!♥

SandyCarlson said...

Happy anniversary! Such moves are monumental in many ways. A total personal paradigm shift. And they can hurt. I admire your heart,and I am so glad you are happy.

The white house is staying with you a while longer. Perhaps it is not ready to let go.

God bless you on your shared adventure of looking for a new home.