Life Interupted, Yet Beautiful.

I spend the entire weekend writing.
I hoped the result would be a reflective prose, but reading it today, the words come across as gloomy, somber and melancholic. They do not flow and they feel negative - I guess they reflect the darker state of my mind and the gentle blues that hit me this past week.

I wrote about my involuntary solitude, and the negative aspects of loneliness and seclusion. About the lack of human touch over an extended period of time and what it does to our well being. How painful it is to miss someone we love and how unbearable it is to fear for their life every single moment of the day...
How sad it is to have life interrupted, being put on hold and paused and feel that time is standing still. How the absence of sun, the never ending rain, the darkness despite it being June bring on a strong sensory deprivation and momentary, but deep depression.

However, no matter how much I lament or wallow in self pity, one fact remains: this is my life. It might feel interrupted and at times very wrong, but right now it is all I have got.
Additionally, I have so much more. The sinister thoughts that cloud my mind occasionally prevent me from seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.

My writing is an outlet and a release, not just of the creative kind but also of the healing kind. Any form of sadness that I put down on paper, or screen, seems to leave me and the act of illustrating my emotions with sentences is the best form of therapy.
There is not always a need to share it with the world.

Thus instead of prolong words of sadness and complaints, let me leave you with a picture that brought a smile to my face this weekend. Watching felines relax as if they do not have one single worry in the world puts even my mind to ease and reinforces the belief that life is indeed beautiful, at all times.

White House Revisited.

My man has a profession that requires him to routinely spend days, occasionally weeks and once in a while even months (sigh) away from home.
And away from me.

Currently he is away for ten days, the longest time we have been apart since we met and although I dislike this separation with all my being, I decided to stop obsessing about things I can not change and turn them into something positive instead. These departures of his will inevitably become part of my life, as they are a part of his. It is an occurrence that I will have to get used to and accept, because he has chosen this profession, one that he does with dedication and great skill and one that defines who he is.
A courageous man whom I love with all my heart and soul.

Determined to use my time alone the best I could, I opted for a day, an evening and a night on my own again, back at the white house.
My old home these days stands so abandoned and neglected, still for sale, but due to the frozen real estate market light years removed from the possibility of selling - thus it is in a desperate need of love and attention.

Working outside in the warm autumnal weather, bringing my terraces back to their former glory, felt as a vital therapy. Later in the evening, I enjoyed the warmth of the fire, that one single thing that I miss deeply in my new home. Inhaling the scent of burning wood and incense, while watching the fall sun set in my westbound views brought on moments of soothing tranquility and deep relaxation.

Yet, the experience very quickly lost its allure and as soon as darkness enveloped the world, I felt a strong urge to drive back home - as certainly my white house no longer felt as such for me.
Instead, it has become now a residence away from home, a tranquil retreat, one that can bring me seclusion if I ever yearn for it. It can offer a time for me only, a solitude that is unforced and chosen, one that is only temporary - long enough to be enjoyed, but short enough not to feel too impeding.

When I left the house the next morning, it was with a sense of satisfaction, not sadness. Even though I enjoyed this momentary solitude, I knew without a doubt that my life was no longer there and I had no desire whatsoever to retaliate to my old existence again. I would never want to wish it back - it has become my past and my entire being longed passionately to return to my loving present.

I smiled with amusement as I locked the door, glancing back at my former home, pondering that one single fact - despite being currently as poor as a church mouse, I feel as the richest woman in the world.

Unconditional Embrace.

I go to nature to be soothed and healed, and to have my senses put in order.
~John Burroughs

In my past, I have often felt disappointment and pain. Just as much as I have felt happiness and joy. These are the spectra of life and as such I accept the fact that the sun can not always shine and sometimes a heavy shower is vital, in order to make us flourish and grow.

As much as I have felt let down and wronged, I sure have been the one who has been responsible for the wrong doing at times.
Thus the older I get, the less prone I am to seek the company of others, when something weights heavy around my heart. Looking for solutions in people seems futile, as most of the time all we need to find comfort and strength is to look within ourselves.

In moments of sadness, in moments of despair, when yet again the world closes in on me and I feel drained and empty, I turn to me. But I also turn to the only other place that never lets me down.

I turn to nature.

There is something infinitely soothing in its enchanting presence, as the mild breeze caresses my face, drying gently up my tears. I find solace in the trees always being the same, always standing there as silent sentinels, never leaving me, but watching over me as quiet guardians, whispering to me through the motion of their heavy branches...

In any season, nature offers the best medicine for broken heart and ailing soul. It is tranquil and constant, despite the annual changes, which nevertheless come and go with a certain predictable precision. With all its infinite beauty, whether it is in the green forests, rolling hills, scented meadows, raging ocean shores, pristine beaches, rugged planes or snowy mountains - the invigoration one can find in its company is unique.

A walk on a narrow path, cutting through tranquil landscape, can offer so much through the simple act of silence. Whether in full sunshine on a summers day, in the coolness of the autumn mist, in heavy snow or during a spring shower.

It offers no promises, gives no guaranties, yet nothing feels safer, more reassuring and more comforting than the unconditional embrace of mother nature.

Flashback Friday: "Without Someone".

Discovering music, and my deep love for it, started through the harmonies so eloquently performed by the talented ELO. When the hit Twilight was streaming from the radio, conveyed by the very characteristic voice of Jeff Lynne, I clearly felt the enticement beautiful melodies and lyrics held over me.

Over the years, I owned a few tapes of their earlier albums, but to date I only have one single CD. Entitled "Balance of Power", purchased many years after it's release date in 1986, it is still a very important album in my collection. It contains one song that captivated me when I was a teenager. "Without Someone", has a haunting, escapist sound. I used to listen to it, while sitting at the window of my room on late spring nights, watching the city lights below, while my mind and thoughts would wander...

The somber lyrics felt very familiar already those twenty years ago and still do effect me today. Particularly, as the loneliness and longing in the sentiments of the song can feel very significant and reflective, at any age, in many aspects of ones life.