October 05, 2011

White House Revisited.

My man has a profession that requires him to routinely spend days, occasionally weeks and once in a while even months (sigh) away from home.
And away from me.

Currently he is away for ten days, the longest time we have been apart since we met and although I dislike this separation with all my being, I decided to stop obsessing about things I can not change and turn them into something positive instead. These departures of his will inevitably become part of my life, as they are a part of his. It is an occurrence that I will have to get used to and accept, because he has chosen this profession, one that he does with dedication and great skill and one that defines who he is.
A courageous man whom I love with all my heart and soul.

Determined to use my time alone the best I could, I opted for a day, an evening and a night on my own again, back at the white house.
My old home these days stands so abandoned and neglected, still for sale, but due to the frozen real estate market light years removed from the possibility of selling - thus it is in a desperate need of love and attention.

Working outside in the warm autumnal weather, bringing my terraces back to their former glory, felt as a vital therapy. Later in the evening, I enjoyed the warmth of the fire, that one single thing that I miss deeply in my new home. Inhaling the scent of burning wood and incense, while watching the fall sun set in my westbound views brought on moments of soothing tranquility and deep relaxation.

Yet, the experience very quickly lost its allure and as soon as darkness enveloped the world, I felt a strong urge to drive back home - as certainly my white house no longer felt as such for me.
Instead, it has become now a residence away from home, a tranquil retreat, one that can bring me seclusion if I ever yearn for it. It can offer a time for me only, a solitude that is unforced and chosen, one that is only temporary - long enough to be enjoyed, but short enough not to feel too impeding.

When I left the house the next morning, it was with a sense of satisfaction, not sadness. Even though I enjoyed this momentary solitude, I knew without a doubt that my life was no longer there and I had no desire whatsoever to retaliate to my old existence again. I would never want to wish it back - it has become my past and my entire being longed passionately to return to my loving present.

I smiled with amusement as I locked the door, glancing back at my former home, pondering that one single fact - despite being currently as poor as a church mouse, I feel as the richest woman in the world.

31 comments:

Michael Manning said...

Zuzana: Nice to visit and read the depth of feeling here. You sound very happy and I celebrate this! lol!!!

Susan Deborah said...

Through you, I have grown to like and feel cozy at the White House. Now when you have revisited it, I feel happy to see it again. I knew you when you were there so WH is special to me.

Joy always,
Susan

Kath said...

Beautifully written as always and dreamy photos to go with it.
My man and I have endured frequent seperations our whole married lives and it is very hard. As you remark, you do become accustomed to it and their return is something to celebrate :-D

Ash said...

Another beautiful post, Zuz. The last line is beyond perfect. Beautiful photos too!

The longest me and my man were seperated was a month ( Ugh....dreadful times!)

Becky~ said...

Lovely photos my friend.I can just embrace the fire crackling and the smell as well.I really believe that when we are rich in spirit,mind, we are the richest than any amount of money would make us.

Have a sweet day Zuzana.

Rahul Bhatia said...

A lovely post! Richness is a state of mind!!

Brian Miller said...

nice...it is good to revisit those places...i hope that it sells for you...ugh on the market...for me this speaks of def the love and comfort you have found now...

tony said...

Sometimes It's Good To Go Back To Measure How Far You Have Travelled!

Angela Bell said...

It must be so hard when he goes away! Lovely pictures and sentiments.Perhaps you could have stove fitted in your new home.I love the feeling of a real fire in the house although I know it is more eco friendly not to.We burn waste wood shavings that have been made into blocks which burn well and look pretty too. lol Angela

Hilary said...

Always nice to know that you're where you belong. I'm happy for you. :)

LadyCat said...

It's always nice to reaffirm life's decisions and keep moving forward. Home is where the heart is.

Jill from Killeny Glen said...

A little solitude is truly therapeutic! So glad you were able to do that and leave with a sense of satisfaction!

A Lady's Life said...

Zuzana - my husband also travelled and he was away for 6 weeks at a time.I soon learned to have my own life and when he would come back, I'd be in my own routine and hardly missed him at all. but re acquainting was always nice ;)
He only realized that his travelling was way too much when he came home one day and his little boy did not recognize him. He did not like this very much and corrected himself.
I understand how home is where the heart is but it's always nice to keep what's yours. Can you not rent it out for the time being?

sprinkles said...

I can kind of understand that feeling. I feel like that whenever I go to visit my mom. I didn't want to leave for the longest time and now that I have, I have no desire to go back there to live again. It's nice to visit but that's alls I want.

Nezzy said...

Yet another wonderfully heartfelt post and just beautifully written sweetie.

God bless ya and have a sunshiny kinda day!!! :o)

Myrna R. said...

Zuzana, I feel like I revisited the house with you. It is so lovely. But, I guess it's no longer a home - your heart's not there.

I must confess I smiled a little. I absolutely love my husband, yet I would love to have a few days to myself. Guess I've been married long enough to actually want that.

SandyCarlson said...

Thank you for sharing the feelings you express so well. What a tug-of-war. Sounds like you settled it well.

steviewren said...

How bittersweet it must be to visit your former home and how wonderful it must be to have a new home waiting on you to the north.

ladyfi said...

Fabulous post! You are indeed rich in love, you lucky woman!

Betsy said...

Your little white house is so lovely..I do hope a buyer comes along soon and falls in love with it!

Dan said...

Isn't it strange that we can move out of a house both physically and mentally? I hope it sells soon for you (we are in the same position in the UK!).
Dan
-x-

LauraX said...

beautifully expressed dear Zuzana. It is a gift to be able to look at our past with love, with clarity, a sense of connection and yet to be committed to the present with our whole hearts.

Kat_RN said...

I am so glad you feel that way! Isn't it nice to know that you made the right choice?
Best of luck with the sale, it looks like a lovely place.
Kat

SandyCarlson said...

Thanks for stopping by!

Teuvo Vehkalahti said...

Greetings from Finland. This, through a blog is a great get to know other countries and their people, nature and culture. Come take a look Teuvo images and blog to tell all your friends that your country flag will stand up to my collection of flag higher. Sincerely, Teuvo Vehkalahti Finland

Rajesh said...

This is sure indication that, you have adjusted to your new life and you are loving it.

Ruby said...

It is incredible how there comes a moment in our life when we no longer want what we thought we couldn't live without and although we have fond remembrances, we stop missing it altogether. I read some of your blogs about the white house on the hill and I'm very glad you have found in your new home, the tranquility and happiness you had in the white house.

Alex said...

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Doreen said...

wow! a lot has happened. I need to visit more often........ :-)

Colleen said...

Dear Zuzana...you know how to live. You truly do. That's why I love to read your posts, you know, you are aware and conscious, you cherish the things and people around you with a gentle spirit...and you communicate your deep thoughts in a beautiful way that we can all relate to. There is something very peaceful about you. Take care and have a wonderful day!

Zuzana said...

Michael, Susan, Kath, Ash, Becky, Rahul, Brian, tony, Angela, Hilary, LadyCat, Jill, Lady, sprinkles, Nezzy, Myrna, Sandy, Stevie, ladyfi, Betsy, Dan, Laura, Kat, Teuvo (welcome), Rajesh, Ruby, Alex, Doreen and Colleen- thank you for joining me on this sentimental return to the white house on the hill.
Indeed, it is a lovely confirmation when one returns to ones past and realizes that ones present is better. I only hope someone is out there that will one day call the white house their home, as it was such a lovely and safe home to me.

Thank you all for your poignant comments and candidly expressed emotions in your words.

Xoxo
Zuzana