Twelve Down, One Hundred And Fifteen To Go...

It is morning and I sit at our kitchen table. The house is uncomfortably quiet.

Looking at the wall calender on my left I see twelve red crosses drawn over the past twelve days. Twelve odd days have passed since I parted with the love of my life. He is currently thousands of miles away, in a distant, foreign country that I will never visit, making sure its inhabitants can face a better future.

These past twelve days can be summarized as a period of arduous re-adjustment. They have been at times extremely difficult and most of all very, very long. I am slowly forced to accept the fact that I am once again - against my will - alone and I try relentlessly to find some positive aspect of my new reality.

I have good days and I have bad days.

When it is as worst, it feels as if I can not stand this predicament a minute longer and I keep wondering why my fate is once again putting me through such an ordeal.
The first day was by far the most difficult one. After having said good by to my love, watching him disappear from my view, my world suddenly fell apart. I felt alone and abandoned, consumed by anguish, fear and deep sadness.
Even now, the notion of the prolong separation renders me at times emotionally unstable, leaving me with a sense of despair. I can not conquer the emptiness within, nor the state of panic that keeps rising, trying to overcome me.

Yet, as time moves forward, I also have days when all of this seems less dramatic - and they increase in numbers. These days are my beacons of light, illuminating the path in a long dark tunnel through which I am traveling. Brought on by a small simple pleasure or the beauty of natural wonders as they momentarily pass my views and consciousness.
And eventually by my positive thinking, which always disperses the train of unsettling thoughts. But most of all by the reassurance from the man that I love, in form of an endearing word or a kind voice, reminding me that he is still there and he still cares. More than I will ever know. And that he is safe.


Twelve down, one hundred and fifteen to go.
To endure so many more days without seeing his face or feeling his touch comes across as unthinkable.
However, when my sanity returns in those glimpses of light, I realize that I have to allow myself to mourn and to embrace the sadness, the longing and the deep pain, understanding these as something vital and good. It is a proof of deep affection and an intimate connection between two people in love.
Thus, as days move forward, I will slowly regain my bearings and turn this time into something beneficial and prosperous. Already I find gentle consolation in the notion that the countdown has at last begun. Only twelve down, yet twelve less that two weeks back. Time can be our friend and our enemy, yet it is constant and it moves forward bringing an end to everything, whether it is good or bad.

I am a firm believer in the notion that everything happens for a reason. The difficult and trying periods in our life truly have their purpose. They are a time of growth and learning and they bring us forward, saving us from stagnation. Eventually these create a healthy balance in our life, enriching us with beneficial experiences. Human psyche is very strong and we can get used to almost anything - we can always handle more than we think.

Thus even though the temporary separation from my husband is difficult and unbearable, it reinforces our devotion for each other and it makes the days we indeed get to spend together more precious and magical. My heart is saturated with so much love and I hope this love will prevent sadness and fear in gaining hold.

"This too shall pass."
The old saying holds so much significance in my eyes today. And I know in no uncertain terms that if I only endure this trying time, the best is still yet to come.

(Images: photobucket, with exception of the last and first image)

The Power Of A Thought.

Sooner or later, we all come to a point in our life when we start to ask the real questions. The ones that will help us make sense of the chaos that is our existence, trying to establish the reason to so many whys. Why certain events in our reality will come to pass, while others will not - no matter what we do; why we do continue to hope and struggle - despite all odds; why we have the capability to love and also to hate - both with such a passion; why we can be so endlessly happy and simultaneously extremely sad; why certain people come into our lives and why our destiny unfolds the way it does. And infinitely the cardinal question of them all, why are we really here...

When I was younger, these inquiries occupied very little of my contemplation, but as I grow older, finding explanations matters more by each day. Most likely, I will find very few resolutions in my quest for answers, but my life has become infinitely more interesting, because I am trying to do so.

Due to some events that took place in my life a few months back, my perception of life itself has shifted in a drastic way. The change is still taking place and I truly enjoy this transition. It has though been a process that commenced already years ago and it is first now that I can adequately grasp its concept and feel its effects.

One of the main beliefs that came to gain hold in my consciousness is the power of our thoughts. I call it a power of a thought, while others might call it a power of a belief or even the power of a prayer.
Even scientists are starting to pay attention to the infinite power with which our thinking has the potential to inflict changes on the physiology and the biological processes that take place in our bodies. This involves the power to heal by believing that we can be healed, the widely recognized effects of placebos and the will power of giving up - or not giving up - when injured or terminally ill.

I am not going to bore you with all these scientific facts, as what I really want to talk about is my own experiences when it comes to positive thinking.

When I interact with people, I very quickly gain a perception of who they are. They way they carry themselves, the look in their eyes, the expression on their face, the subjects they choose to discuss, the opinions they express. I pay most of all attention to the overall feeling I get when I am in their presence. Whether is is their aura, the positive energy of a beautiful mind or something else that I tune into, after some interactions, I feel revived. I feel refreshed and happy and I feel a strong longing to be in the presence of these individuals again. Then there are others, whose conduct leaves me drained, tired and even sad and I will most definitely shun their company in the future.
This has prompted me already years ago to realize that optimistic, positive people will always be viewed as popular and attractive, because their optimism attracts. If their optimist can attract people, I realized it could also attracts events.

I have always been an optimist by nature, but even I can become sad and unhappy. As unpleasant events took place early in my adult life, the negative effects at one point drained my positive energy, leaving me alone and confused. All I had were my thoughts. I over-thought and over-perceived everything, to the point when I no longer possessed the clarity to see the truth. Often imagining what was not there and expecting the worst, I entered a viscous circle that filled me with fear and apprehension.

Then one day I realized, that I could change all this by changing the way I think. I began trying to find something positive in everything. Slowly at first. Looking around me, seeing the beauty in nature even on a dreary winter day. In the rain that soaked my surroundings when I was wishing for sunny days, in the solace I felt so overwhelmingly and so often. In the outcome of small, insignificant daily occurrences, which might not have progressed as anticipated. And slowly in everything that affected my life, even major events that were devastating and painful. And with this newfound way of viewing my life, fear and apprehension started to diminish. As positive thoughts took over my thinking, soon effortlessly and with ease, my own life took a path that involved life changing experiences, defining moments and a heightened sensitivity in locating positive encounters, which would have otherwise passed unnoticed.

I would have never believed that a thought can contain so much power, have I not experienced this personally. A positive outlook does not just change the way we feel and live, but it also increases the potentials in our conducts and capabilities.
To be positive does not mean that one will lock out pain and shun conflicts, defer from changes or avoid obstacles. It means rather a total acceptance of life's balancing spectra, where these events play a vital role, leading us to places of happiness and content. And perhaps ultimately to the answers to our whys.

Carpe Diem.

Carpe diem, quam minimum credula postero – 
"Seize the Day, putting as little trust as possible in the future"
Quintus Horatius Flaccus
Roman Poet

I recall that when I was a little girl, having very little perception of time, it felt endless and vast. Future was far removed from my consciousness while I dreamed of adventures ahead of me, all that would come to pass once I became an adult. Old age and death was a time span so alien to my thinking, it never preoccupied my mind.

As a teenager, my favorite sentence with which I would strike a conversation used to be "When I grow up, I will..." . I was already a dreamer at a very young age and my dreams only grew and developed, never to cease. When I still carried on this way close to being twenty, my mother used to gently make me aware of how ridiculous I started to sound as I was already an adult and indeed all grown up.

Nevertheless, despite my vivid imagination and the dreams and the adventures which I envisioned as a young girl, I realized at an early age that indeed the future very rarely turns out the way we wish. Thus I learned to distinguish between the idea of having dreams and making plans.

Life without dreams is like gazing at a night sky never to see the stars or the moon. Our dreams and hopes define who we are and they add a dimension to our days, making our time here count. But to plan a future is an impossible task, leading to terrible disappointments and heartaches. Perhaps it also causes us to miss out on the best that life has to offer, as the best in life lies in the unexpected and unplanned, in detours and wrong turns.

The beautiful aphorism at the beginning of this post has always made sense to me and to the sentiments with which I view my reality. Despite the fact that I enjoy taking sentimental walks in my past, recollecting unforgettable moments in time, I never dwell on years gone by, nor do I live with one single regret. I lack capability to do so, perhaps because I live in the present. I make decision today, basing them on the knowledge I carry with me presently, deciding with my heart, my intuition and my conscience. This comes naturally to me - every hour in every day has an incredible potential and I view it as priceless and unique.

The minutes as I am typing this will never come to pass again. The light will never again fall in that angle across my keyboard, nor will the same clouds be passing across the sky. The same last sun rays, as the remains of the day move towards the time of twilight, will never shine on my face again the way they do at this very moment, making it so very extraordinary.

As much as I relish in dreaming of the future, I also realize it doesn't belong to me. Not yet at least. And therein lies the infinite magic of life. Despite the fact that the future can feel uncertain and can fill us with feelings of anxiety and apprehension, those same reasons make it wonderfully exciting. Not knowing what might come to pass is endlessly exhilarating.
To worry about what life might throw our way will only make us live in fear and prevent us from taking decisions, from making necessary changes and from taking chances.
I recall once stumbling upon a great set of sentences to the likes that if we expect troubles, we will experience them twice. Furthermore it is futile to prepare oneself for less than pleasant circumstances for two reasons: one; what we worry about might not come to pass, two; usually the troubles we worry about the least are the ones that will occur.

The past is forever gone, the future is not ours to see - thus all we are left with is the present. To live fully we need to embrace everything that comes our way, while we keep our positive outlook and a childish innocence. In my perception, carpe diem means not to just live today, but to realize that the magic of today is all we truly posses.
And that is often more than enough.

"One has to abandon altogether the search for security, and reach out to the risk of living with both arms. One has to court doubt and darkness as the cost of knowing. One needs a will stubborn in conflict, but apt always to total acceptance of every consequence of living and dying."
Morris L. West