May 28, 2012

I am Titanium.

I love to write my reflection's posts in the early mornings or late in the evenings, when there is that certain stillness in a day. Currently, the white nights offer a late evening tranquility, which is saturated by tangelo skies and the absence of darkness, prolonging our days considerably.
Additionally, the weather gods have granted us our first summer week of the year, bestowing upon us uncanny hot days and warm nights. These enable me to sit out here, on our terrace, in the silver twilight, listening to the soft sound of crickets and watching the illuminated, albeit obstructed horizon in my view. The air is saturated by the perfumed scent of blooming lilac and moist with dew.

In a few days, May will end.  I have mixed feelings about the conclusion of this last spring month. In my eyes it is one of the best months of the year, as it is so defined by life and growth, by vibrant colours and by light. It carries so much optimism and a promise of the best to come and usually I relish in its beauty, wanting it to last forever.
This year however May was a month I dreaded. The sorrow of farewells at its onset made me wish it would never come and when it finally did, that it would pass quickly. I truly disliked the prospect of its thirty one days.
Yet here we are, barely a week away from what I once feared would take an eternity to reach. In hindsight I realize that it has passed faster than I expected. I have settled into new routines and have accepted my new reality. It is not always easy and some days are better than others. I do still go through sleepless nights full of worries about the safety of the man I love, when I have no one to turn to for comfort, but my self, despite the support of so many wonderful people in my life. Yet I also do have days when I feel strong and capable, feeling time works in my favour, knowing that the end of my ordeal will come. And beyond that end is a beginning to the best part of my life.

Apart from hearing the voice and seeing the face of my handsome husband that I love endlessly, three elements are currently responsible for making my days flow with ease; sunshine, warmth and nature. I have started small garden projects and once again the therapy of gardening becomes so very obvious in my recollection. There is something very reassuring and revitalizing in planting something and watching it grow.

Observing our wild garden through out the winter, I secretly spun plans on which flowers would best suit its large proximity. I realized that what I missed most from my previous residence was the variety of vines, blooming and scented or evergreens. Particularly that stunning clematis, which grew against the fence of my terrace at the white house. Those cobalt blue flowers that in July - August covered the south wall like a veil of blue. Inspired by its beauty, I planted a baby clematis of the same kind against our terrace and I love to look at its growing progress. It is subtle, but it is there. It will take a few years before its beauty will match the one I recall, and we might not even live here by then, but that is something I refuse to worry about.
I have also become slowly acquainted with our lawnmower - we are getting along better by each week. Mowing the lawn is something I dread and love simultaneously. This love/hate relationship has many origins. I love the physical challenges of the mowing itself and the scent of fresh cut grass is one of the best natural perfumes I know. Yet I dislike with all my beings the disposal of the cut grass. It accounts for many heavy sacks and many drives to a nearby recycling station in my husbands large car, which I feel not comfortable to drive in nor to navigate through the narrow lanes of the station. Nevertheless, I view this as a challenge that makes me grow and as weeks pass by I know it will get easier - until one day it is just another chore that needs to be done.

Yet, my driving skills have certainly improved over the last year, as I slowly and surely accumulate thousands of miles behind the wheel, due to my very long daily commute. As some of you might recall, my old "green lighting" and I parted our ways this winter and in its place the "BlueMotion" has entered. It is actually a term for the technology which fuels and powers this beautiful anthracite coloured car of mine, making it fuel efficient and environmentally friendly. I LOVE that car. It is my best friend and my sentinel, as it takes me safely everywhere. At times it feels as if it can truly fly. Just a touch at the gas pedal and it takes off so effortlessly through the landscape, like a silver bullet, leaving everyone behind. It is a feeling unlike any other and has redefined the way I feel about driving.

Its colour reminds me of titanium. As of lately, I have become fascinated by this metal. It comes across as the color of coal mixed with silver. By definition, it is very light and soft,  yet very, very strong.
We chose to have our wedding rings made of this metal. Every day I look at that band on my finger and I relish in its simple beauty, while the chorus of one of my favorite dance songs resonates in my mind;  
"I Am Titanium".
I love the symbolism behind ideal of a love that is gentle and soft yet tensile strong - or of human trait of the same kind. The one that bends in the strong winds, yet withstands the fury of its gusts, remaining intact through the storms of life.

I am Titanium... or at least I long to be.


Rahul Bhatia said...

Connecting with nature is the best way to remain rejuvenated, Zuzana:) Beautiful writing!

Anonymous said...

I see you are doing well sweet Zuzana and are getting used to the absence of your husband even if some days it's too much.
It's good you find for yourself activities and enjoy the happiness of Spring. It's a season I like very much too.
Stay well dear. And thanks for your presence and lovely words always. xx

Brian Miller said...

titanium is not a bad thing to be...strong...but stay soft in the right areas you know....smiles...i have a love hate relationship with mowing to do a bit of it today...its like a meditation for me...the weather here has been gorgeous hot but we enjoyed hte pool this weekend as well to stay cool...

Betsy Brock said...

strong, beautiful and still soft. :) love that. I'm glad May came and went quickly for you and I hope June is full of lovely surprises! :)

Kath said...

you have always struck me as one of the strongest people I know. How lovely to see a new label at the bottom of your posts "Husband" :-D

Reading Tea Leaves said...

Dear Zuzana, I completely agree about May, its a wonderful month but then June is when the garden really shows its colours. I look forward to the roses, clematis and lavender blooming and the gorgeous scent. I'm sure you will work your magic on the new garden, it will certainly keep you busy!

I love your descriptive language about titanium - beautiful wedding ring.

Enjoy the lovely sunny weather!


Anonymous said...

The heat, the warmth, the silver light - how delicious!

I also have a love/hate relationship with the lawnmower!

adrielleroyale said...

Strength comes in so many forms :) How wonderful to have the sweet scent of lilacs and warm summer air to therapeutically inspire your writing!! God bless you Zuzana as you await your husband's return :)

Elizabeth said...

My dear Sweety,

with this gorgeous weather it is hard to find time to sit behind the computer.
Last night I slept under the lilac tree and thought of you. Today I learned that we bought are wed in titanium! How alike we are.

Enjoy yourself.

Dulçe ♥ said...

No doubt! you are surrounded by a kinda magic...must be the light you project, Suzana!

Lovely post

sprinkles said...

When you're done mowing your lawn, can you come do mine? lol

I have a mower but have never been able to start it on my own. My dad used to do it for me, but now he's gone. My neighbor has bad arthritis so I have to depend on my mom to bring her mower over when she feels like it. She can't start my mower either.

Daanish said...

nice, well said.

SandyCarlson said...

I appreciate your symbiotic relationship with nature, beautiful lady.

A Lady's Life said...

I take it your husband is in the military. This would keep me tense too every day.
But then we have to hope for the best. He managed to be ok so far, so there is no reason to think things will change today.
Be happy Zuzana.

Rowan said...

May is a beautiful month and June is even better - well done on doing the mowing, I'm afraid that's one gardening job that I pay someone else to do, it's the one bit of gardening that I dislike:)
Your wedding rings are really beautiful, I hadn't heard of titanium before,the description of its qualities is perfect for a wedding ring.

Rajesh said...

I think you have a quite good May month there. Here it is becoming very hot yet times.

Diane said...

I love your voice. Do you ever lose it? I'm struggling to find mine again :(. And I have a love/hate relationship with mowing, too. I hated it this weekend, in 90+ degree temps, but I love it now that it's done :)

Hilary said...

From all I know, you are much stronger than you suspect. Lovely post, Z.

Rebecca said...

What a lovely read. Thank you for sharing your heart this way.

Anonymous said...

Spending time in the garden is definitely therapeutic and each day as the plants grow you will be getting that much closer to your husband's safe return.

Anonymous said...

I think you are already Titanium, Zuzana.

Rustique Gal said...

Zuzana Dear,
What a lovely post! I pray for your dear husband's safety...Your reflections on your home and yard inspire me to think more about mine. I have dreamed of clematis for years, and mine are finally filling out and blooming beautifully now. They are still not huge, but still lovely. Take care of your self!

Myrna R. said...

I can tell you are getting some comfort in your flowers and in your writing. Your husband must know how dearly he is missed. I'm so glad the time is passing faster than expected and I join you in hope and expectation that your husband will soon return safely to your warmth.

Amanda Summer said...

you are titanium indeed zuzana - mixed with large parts of lovely moonlight silver - the best of strength and beauty. working in nature is the best therapy for a heavy heart and so happy to hear you are riding your beloved horses again. to connect with the natural world is nurturing medicine.

love and wishes to you for a peaceful and comforting week ahead♡