November 18, 2012

November Noir.

Fall is slowly concluding and the fiery glow of the ostentatious season is now only a memory. Instead, the outlines of trees stand naked, dark and ominous against a milky sky, their branches damp and still, resembling almost menacing silhouettes.
The remains of foliage and long gone bloom turns putrefied, instigating a sense of decay.

Late fall melancholy is by now truly apparent. To me it comes across as an intermission, a moment of stillness and tranquility that stands between the flamboyance of colours and the illumination of the Holiday Season.

I have been somewhat absent, in my writing and in my on-line life, for which I apologize. I do still ponder the bigger questions and I do still notice the enchantment around me, I only need more time to convey it in words and pictures to all of you you.
There are continuously issues that occupy my thinking, such as the fact that I find myself increasingly disenchanted with my line of work, a sensation that started a couple of years back and which only grows in intensity by each passing day.
I find this puzzling - that which once defined me and brought me happiness feels now as a burden and has lost its allure all together.

Is it midlife crises, I wonder, or is it I who have changed...
I feel a deep longing to realize old dreams, using my creative abilities, devoting what remains of my working life to an occupation that is novel and better suited the new me.
Curiously, life never works fully on all levels - if it did, I guess we would be done living it.

My reality evolves constantly and for someone who has lived by predictable routines for decades, I find the ongoing growth curiously reassuring. My husband's children are spending increasing amount of time with us, which changes the dynamic of our lives. It is a challenge on all levels, as I am thrown into parenthood of three teenagers, having never hold them in my arms as babies. Trying to be their friend and guardian and yet at the same time guiding them with gentle but firm rules as a stepmother is a balancing act of a novel kind. Yet as I refine my skills, the rewards are of indescribable measures - they are the children I will never have and their love and devotion surpasses all my expectations.

A move to a new house is now slowly becoming reality and soon we will be finally having a home of our very own where we can live as a family, with a sense of privacy and safe continuity. Thus as I look out onto our misty garden, I wonder whether this is the last November noir I am witnessing outside my windows in this old house. So much emotions and changes has undergone between its walls in such a short time. I know I will miss it in a certain way...

Nature is indeed winding down. It is entering a deep sleep, discarding the old and shriveled, renewing itself from within, in order to emerge reborn and revitalized a few months down the road.
This is a contagious rejuvenation, that applies to everything living, us humans too. Most likely when winter turns into spring, my own life will be reborn in a new place.

Late fall is in my perception always defined by one single masterpiece; Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart's Piano Concerto No. 21.
Thus when I look into the mist, I can hear piano and strings of violins, giving the melancholy of November a truly poetic, symbolic and almost meditative feel.


Elizabeth said...

What a wonderful post Sweety, great pictures which are addding a beautiful depth to your words.

Have a wonderful sunday and say hej to that gorgeous husband of yours!

Rahul Bhatia said...

Such depth in your words and sentiments! Life is all about changes around us which never fail to surprize us:)

Sia Jane said...

I just adore your writing. So perfect <3
Good luck with all your endeavors <3

Brian Miller said...

smiles. can you find something new for work? i have been there and made a change and that improved my quality of life greatly...or maybe you dont need another change on top of everyone else...the new house, a place of your own sounds great...i am just glad you still i enjoy your words when you share them...peace, friend

Brian Miller said...

smiles. can you find something new for work? i have been there and made a change and that improved my quality of life greatly...or maybe you dont need another change on top of everyone else...the new house, a place of your own sounds great...i am just glad you still i enjoy your words when you share them...peace, friend

Mimi said...

It is indeed funny how life never fully works on all levels, it always gives us little challenges. And again, it's funny how something that was immensely satisfying not long ago, becomes mundane when we ourselves change. A constantly evolving story!
Thanks for the beautiful music, Zuzana. Wonderful Horn sounds around 0.30 and 1.15. Are the photos yours also? They're stunning, never thought decay could look so good! Some remind me of ice-cream with chocolate sauce.

Anonymous said...

Beautiful post, Zuzana! I've found that we too have our seasons, and with them, change... which is wonderful, because then we can continue to grow beyond our original dreams!

Gail said...

The answer will come.

Myrna R. said...

I guess we can always depend on change and I know you've undergone many. It's so nice to read your words. They come from your heart and reveal what a thoughtful and tender person you are.

Let the idea of changing careers simmer a bit. Sometimes, even the interest in our work wanes, then is reborn with new enthusiasm, like nature and life. Good luck with your move, don't overlook the fact that it is one of the most stressful things we can do. Also, parenting. What a challenge. You have a lot on your plate. Thanks for taking the time to write so beautifully and to share your pictures. Take care.

A Lady's Life said...

Lovely post.
I guess every one reaches that level when what once seemed enough and exciting isn't It's part of being a grown up lol
I don't know what work you do so I can't comment of job changes, maybe something closer to home?
Teens are a full time job especially if one or both parents aren;t available all the time They need lots of guidance at this time in life
Lots to do Zuzana.... work, new house and family, husband??
No time for melancholia my dear lol
chin up! ;)

Kath said...

you write so beautifully as ever. All these changes, exciting, scary and joyous, I wish you the best in all these things x

bright star said...

You have come a long way and have made many changes,wait until spring before you do anything about your work. You are a lovely woman and very sincere let life lead you! lots of love Angela x

Anonymous said...

A new place sounds nice. Things change so much and expand our lives with the new additions to it. In your career decisions, you should follow your heart. That is always our best guide.

Draffin Bears said...

Hi Zuzana,

Such a lovely post you have shared and seems like you have many changes in your life.
Blessings to you and much luck with the move to a new house.

Have a great week

Betsy Brock said...

love your posts, Zuz. :) Yes, the earth is falling into a deep sleep. It's peaceful and full of sepia tones.

A new wonderful! xo

SandyCarlson said...

It's always good to read your posts and be a witness to your thoughts and your experiences. This is my favorite time of year. It seems to giveus permission to slow down. This year, though, I find it particularly lonely. Your words are a comfort.

Rajesh said...

Nice post with wonderful pictures. I is good to see you back in the blogging world.

S. Susan Deborah said...

Dear Zuzana:

Quite a reflective post, here. I see that a lot of changes that have been going on in your life and everything seems to be for the good. Congratulations on your new house and a new perspective on your work. It's wonderful that you are closely listening to the murmurs of the heart.

I wish you the best in everything you do.

Warmth and peace as you wrap the final months of this year.

Joy always,

Rebecca said...

Zuzana - Did you know that "mid-life crisis" is actually a myth? Think of it as the way life has its twists and turns. You definitely have some twists and turns going on, but you are a strong woman and I know you can make it through. There are so many of us who have changed our paths later in life. There is nothing wrong with that. You will prevail regardless of what you do. I have no doubt. This was a lovely post as always. You are an inspiration!!

Amanda Summer said...

zuzana, i think in life when we feel the deep sense of needing to change it is our spirit calling to us to acknowledge its need for growth. it isn't always an easy path, but it leads to the greatest sense of self awareness. the holidays are also a time when our routine is upended with many more people around and the need and desire to maintain certain traditions. i wish you all the best entering into this phase that you can maintain your balance in the midst of the changing seasons.

with love,


Anonymous said...

Good luck with your move - always a stressful time, but one of renewal.

As for jobs - I guess our feelings come and go...

And amen to the melancholy of November. Sometimes so gray and peaceful - sometimes so vibrant in the sunset! I long for the snow to enchant the world again.

Beautiful shots and words.

steviewren said...

Great music to post by!

I hope your next home will surpass your last two with beauty and enchantment.

I can sympathize with your desire to earn a creative living. Sometimes I feel that I could jump out of my skin at work. It is so dull and totally lacking in creativity! I hope you find another career that is as fulfilling as your home life.

G said...

I know your work is science-based, and that can be very creative, but there is such an artistic aura about you, such an ability to express intangible ideas and feelings and thoughts... if you do decide a change is necessary, I think you could put your mind to something different and remarkable.

Joanna Jenkins said...

Beautiful, beautiful post. Your life sounds like things are falling into place yet upside down at the same time-- but there is still a sense of peace about your writing.

I hope everything works out sooner than later for you.

Happy Thanksgiving, xo jj

Alberto Hugo Rojas said...

It is a pleasure
come by your blog
It is an explosion of coloroes
your images
and senaciones
happy day

Brian Miller said...

while it is not your holiday...i would remiss not to wish you a happy thanksgiving....thankful for you friend...

Sumandebray said...

Great Post!
yes from time to time life needs time from the daily routines that one has to undergo to earn the living.
... and when we are old enough it is a mid life crisis too. But demands that the changes puts forward most of the time takes care of that crisis.
good luck

Unknown said...

Zuzana: How nice it's been to follow your journey these past few years or so! Just amazing!! lol xoxoxo ;)

Unknown said...

Great post! As a middle aged woman who is recently divorced, I sometimes need to be reminded that my life is not over and it's still beautiful. I just finished reading a great book called “Borderless Broads, New Adventures for the Midlife Woman” by Morgana Morgaine. You can check her out and get the book right from her website, I feel like I've been reborn and can start my life over. Thanks again for the wonderful post!

Ash said...

As always, gorgeous photographs and writing. You're exactly where you need to be, dear. Trust in the process of life. Trust in the Universe.

Sending you warm hugs,