May 21, 2012

Twelve Down, One Hundred And Fifteen To Go...

It is morning and I sit at our kitchen table. The house is uncomfortably quiet.

Looking at the wall calender on my left I see twelve red crosses drawn over the past twelve days. Twelve odd days have passed since I parted with the love of my life. He is currently thousands of miles away, in a distant, foreign country that I will never visit, making sure its inhabitants can face a better future.

These past twelve days can be summarized as a period of arduous re-adjustment. They have been at times extremely difficult and most of all very, very long. I am slowly forced to accept the fact that I am once again - against my will - alone and I try relentlessly to find some positive aspect of my new reality.

I have good days and I have bad days.

When it is as worst, it feels as if I can not stand this predicament a minute longer and I keep wondering why my fate is once again putting me through such an ordeal.
The first day was by far the most difficult one. After having said good by to my love, watching him disappear from my view, my world suddenly fell apart. I felt alone and abandoned, consumed by anguish, fear and deep sadness.
Even now, the notion of the prolong separation renders me at times emotionally unstable, leaving me with a sense of despair. I can not conquer the emptiness within, nor the state of panic that keeps rising, trying to overcome me.

Yet, as time moves forward, I also have days when all of this seems less dramatic - and they increase in numbers. These days are my beacons of light, illuminating the path in a long dark tunnel through which I am traveling. Brought on by a small simple pleasure or the beauty of natural wonders as they momentarily pass my views and consciousness.
And eventually by my positive thinking, which always disperses the train of unsettling thoughts. But most of all by the reassurance from the man that I love, in form of an endearing word or a kind voice, reminding me that he is still there and he still cares. More than I will ever know. And that he is safe.


Twelve down, one hundred and fifteen to go.
To endure so many more days without seeing his face or feeling his touch comes across as unthinkable.
However, when my sanity returns in those glimpses of light, I realize that I have to allow myself to mourn and to embrace the sadness, the longing and the deep pain, understanding these as something vital and good. It is a proof of deep affection and an intimate connection between two people in love.
Thus, as days move forward, I will slowly regain my bearings and turn this time into something beneficial and prosperous. Already I find gentle consolation in the notion that the countdown has at last begun. Only twelve down, yet twelve less that two weeks back. Time can be our friend and our enemy, yet it is constant and it moves forward bringing an end to everything, whether it is good or bad.

I am a firm believer in the notion that everything happens for a reason. The difficult and trying periods in our life truly have their purpose. They are a time of growth and learning and they bring us forward, saving us from stagnation. Eventually these create a healthy balance in our life, enriching us with beneficial experiences. Human psyche is very strong and we can get used to almost anything - we can always handle more than we think.

Thus even though the temporary separation from my husband is difficult and unbearable, it reinforces our devotion for each other and it makes the days we indeed get to spend together more precious and magical. My heart is saturated with so much love and I hope this love will prevent sadness and fear in gaining hold.

"This too shall pass."
The old saying holds so much significance in my eyes today. And I know in no uncertain terms that if I only endure this trying time, the best is still yet to come.




(Images: photobucket, with exception of the last and first image)

25 comments :

Rowan said...

It's sad that you have to be parted from your new husband so soon after your marriage but at least he IS your husband now:) You will be surprised at how quickly the time will pass after the first few weeks - every day is one day nearer to his return:)

Lilybets said...

It's something special in this blog,in your soul and in the desire that you bring outside writing...I hope,one day,to talk with you against a coffe in your beautiful Country!!!You are one of the most fascinating bloggher in my blogghers' list and I'm so happy to read your posts!!!Nice week!

Rahul Bhatia said...

A very touching post, Zuzana when you miss someone you love so intensely! Hope your reunion will be soon and will bring back your happiness:)

sprinkles said...

What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. And you'll be so much stronger when it's all said and done.

Elizabeth said...

You wrote a very eloquent post today and I doubt if anyone could say it more profound than you do.
The countdown is now well on its way and while we counting down with you we can see a strong woman rising to this new challenge.

Enjoy your monday.

Kath said...

Like Cleopatra, if only you could drink "mandragora" and sleep out this great gap of time your love is away.
May the gods keep your precious man safe until his joyful return xx

Brian Miller said...

while i know this is difficult for you...the pain you are feeling is rather beautiful because it shows sucha deep love between you...at least you know an end date and can look to that...i remember the 9 months of being apart and not knowing when it would end was so hard for me....hang in the zu...love wins....

Sandy said...

You are a beautiful writer Zuzana! As I was reading your post this morning (still in bed with Hubby) it made me wonder how my Hubby's mother made it thought the year her husband was overseas fighting the Germans in WWII. They were so young and just newly married. My father-in-law had a very dangerous position and most of his comrades disn't make it home. Separations of any kind are difficult. But as you say "This too will pass". He will be home and back into your loving arms.

Sandy said...

You are a beautiful writer Zuzana! As I was reading your post this morning (still in bed with Hubby) it made me wonder how my Hubby's mother made it thought the year her husband was overseas fighting the Germans in WWII. They were so young and just newly married. My father-in-law had a very dangerous position and most of his comrades disn't make it home. Separations of any kind are difficult. But as you say "This too will pass". He will be home and back into your loving arms.

Jill from Killeny Glen said...

I pray the days will slip by QUICKLY and while he is gone you will be able to fill your days with something good! LOVE that first quote Zuzana!

Julie Danielle said...

I can so relate to this. When my husband is gone I have days when I feel I can't take one more day with him gone and I wonder what I have to deal with this and others don't. It gets frustrating. *hugs*

Amanda said...

that is a very long and difficult separation. i feel for you, zuzana. but i love the way you know there must be a deeper reason behind all of this and that it is meant to teach you something about yourself and about your innate source of strength.

wishing you the opportunity to explore that inner strength in these coming weeks and also wishing for you to be surrounded by much love and comfort.

big hugs,

amanda

xoxo

Myrna R. said...

I wish I had had your wisdom when I was parted from my husband. You have a strength and reasoning mind that I lacked. I was depressed too much of the time.

You at least try to balance things and are aware that this separation has potential for more good than you can now imagine.

Take care, keep writing and know that my heart is with you in your longing.

LadyCat said...

The positive side is that once the separation began, it was on its way to being over. Every day is a step in the direction to his return. As Brian said, you know the date when being alone will end. Remember all the years before we met our husbands, when we didn't even know if being alone would have an end. We lived our lives happily then, too. Sending warm hugs your way : )

Margie said...

This too shall pass is my favorite quote of all time. I have never heard anyone ever use it before. A good one for you right now. It applies, however, to so many situations. Hang in there. You can do it. It is hard to stop the long ago feelings to creep into the present. But, you can handle it. Just think about the reunion! Whoa Boy!

InesMrs.Venus said...

Enjoy that time, Darling and don´t be sad! When you are together again- it will be much more better, than in your dreams.
I know that feeling- I am along the most time of the week- but I have my pets and my kids- I am not quite alone.
A big hug to you- I love that little notice :-)
♥Ines

MarieHarmony said...

You know I am with you on this dear and you are in my thoughts and prayers. I was separated from my husband last winter for 4 months and I know how tough it is.
But to be honest this separation has been more beneficial that I would have ever imagined. Our marriage grew stronger, when I saw him again, just by plunging my eyes into his, it felt like I knew everything. No more fear, no more doubts, no more pain.

Take care sweet Zuzana. xxxx

Ash said...

Awww...I fully understand what you're going through. There have been periods when me and my man were seperated: a month, six weeks etc. Your husband is one lucky man to have you! Time will fly and you'll be in his arms soon!

Angela Bell said...

Dear Zuzana,It is sad that you are parted so soon after getting married but he will come back and it will be lovely. He is doing good work from what you say and you being strong can help him so much . At least in this age we can contact eachother easily, lots of love to you and a big hug too! Angela

Cottage Garden said...

Dear Zuzana, I really feel for you being separated so soon after your wedding. But the time will pass, keep yourself busy and see friends if you feel able. The quote is so true and I've lived by its wisdom during difficult times in my life.

Just remember how sweet life will be on your husband's safe return.

Jeanne
xox

Brian Miller said...

i thought i saw a new post...maybe it was just a reason enough to stop in and say hi...smiles...hope your week is going well...

ladyfi said...

So touching - you've summed up the pain of parting, which will eventually lead to an even sweeter reunion.

Hang in there, this will pass!

A Lady's Life said...

Yes it is hard not to see the one you love.I remember when my husband would leave 6-8 weeks at a time and we had to wait for a letter. Today with internet its so much easier. Thank God for telecommunications! But maybe he is where he can't use it. This then becomes dreadful.
Every day can be so long.
But days go by and then we meet again and joy overcomes all sorrow :)

SandyCarlson said...

Thank you for this piece of your beautiful heart.

Hilary said...

Indeed it will. My neighbour did his one year stint in Afghanistan, training police forces there. They got through it. You will also.

Skype is your friend. ;)

Hugs to you.