Yesterday I could not sleep at all. I was tossing and turning in my bed, while the rain was pounding at the window pane. The bed was too big and too empty, I felt alone and anxious and my heart was racing. I felt like I was ready to run a marathon.
I hate when this happens. When nights are long and dark and when “stuff” enters my head. Yes, those sleepless nights when I start thinking about “stuff”. You know, things I am afraid off (yes, I am NOT fearless), unresolved issues in my life, either personal or professional. Memory takes me back into the past, I analyze over and over my decisions and interactions with people, situations that did not go as I expected. I think about events ahead of me that I dread and that which awaits me in the future. Especially the unexpected. And I keep reevaluating my present, try to see it clearly, worry about it, wondering if there is anything I am badly misunderstanding and misinterpreting.
I have no idea why everything seems so depressive in the night. In the dark. Unsolvable, hopeless and scary. And no matter how I try not to pursue certain issues, they seem to only grow in importance until I feel, I am in a total panic.
In my life there are things and subjects, abstract and living, that I cherish, which I adore and I love. I worry about them as they are perfect and I never want them to go away. But I know that life has a way of taking that what we love most of all away from us. And at times this worry comes to full light in the dark of the night.
It is odd, as I never was this way when I was young. I slept like a log. From the time I went to bed till the morning. Nothing bothered me. What ever was to happen I was going to deal with it. And I always did. Sometimes I miss that carefree youth.
Ultimately I try to recall the way I was and be that way again. As Life is too precious to waste away on worries. Although things can change from one day to another, from one second to the next, there is also something that is constant.
The sun will always rise again and I will get another chance to get it right.
Or at least to try.