January 18, 2009

Insomnia.

Yesterday I could not sleep at all. I was tossing and turning in my bed, while the rain was pounding at the window pane. The bed was too big and too empty, I felt alone and anxious and my heart was racing. I felt like I was ready to run a marathon.

I hate when this happens. When nights are long and dark and when “stuff” enters my head. Yes, those sleepless nights when I start thinking about “stuff”. You know, things I am afraid off (yes, I am NOT fearless), unresolved issues in my life, either personal or professional. Memory takes me back into the past, I analyze over and over my decisions and interactions with people, situations that did not go as I expected. I think about events ahead of me that I dread and that which awaits me in the future. Especially the unexpected. And I keep reevaluating my present, try to see it clearly, worry about it, wondering if there is anything I am badly misunderstanding and misinterpreting.
I have no idea why everything seems so depressive in the night. In the dark. Unsolvable, hopeless and scary. And no matter how I try not to pursue certain issues, they seem to only grow in importance until I feel, I am in a total panic.

In my life there are things and subjects, abstract and living, that I cherish, which I adore and I love. I worry about them as they are perfect and I never want them to go away. But I know that life has a way of taking that what we love most of all away from us. And at times this worry comes to full light in the dark of the night.

It is odd, as I never was this way when I was young. I slept like a log. From the time I went to bed till the morning. Nothing bothered me. What ever was to happen I was going to deal with it. And I always did. Sometimes I miss that carefree youth.

Ultimately I try to recall the way I was and be that way again. As Life is too precious to waste away on worries. Although things can change from one day to another, from one second to the next, there is also something that is constant.
The sun will always rise again and I will get another chance to get it right.
Or at least to try.

10 comments:

Gal Friday said...

First of all, I get the feeling Batcat has no problem sleeping..ever, right?! ;-)
I hope your brain is clear of any thoughts and anxieties tonight and you'll be able to have deep, restful sleep.
I have a night or two like that from time to time and I don't know why somethng work-related (and also like you--unresolved issues and worries) will pop into my head at 2:00 in the morning to cause me to agonise and fret, losing sleep(until right before the alarm goes off...)
I like your little photo collage, by the way....and HOW can you be seeing signs of spring already?!!

Hilary said...

I know that feeling exactly. You described it very well. Now, get out of my brain! ;) (no, don't) :)

Gufobardo said...

uhm...come on in Sardinia, south Italy...sun and sea are for you...and you can sleep very well my friend...:O))) ciao!

Julie Hibbard said...

Oh we are so alike. From opposite sides of the world. Maybe we all are, huh? Surely most of us 'bloggers'. We are deep thinking and feeling people and thus, we have the occasional night of anxious, heart pounding craziness.
On the nights when I don't have to work the next day, I often take ONE Tylenol PM. Amazing stuff.
I am not much of a sleeper as it is. And a good night rest is a very special treat.
It's 84 today here in Southern California. Come relax by the pool with me!

Mahmud Yussop said...

You have said it precisely. And I like when you said that despite the change there is still a constant.But I would like to add too that the only constant in life is change. I see your attempt at self-control is admirable as it means that you will be less worried about over-control and more with leading you life.That I think makes life fun.Hmm..going to Italy sounds like a nice idea.

Diane said...

You know I suffer with the whole insomnia thing often. I feel your pain. But focusing on the things you love; things that make you happy, is a good way to combat it! I hope you sleep well tonight, my friend... xo

Mel said...

I've got the same problem, the occasional insomnia problem. I started listening this guided meditation cd which took my mind off of all the things that were weighing it down and forced me to visualize what the cd was telling me to focus on. I always set it up to play twice, but I rarely get through the first playing. And, because you can choose to focus on different aspects of your life each time, you're not just thinking of the same thing every time. There are tons out there, but if you want to know which one I listen to, let me know and I'll get you the info. Sweet dreams!!

Betsy said...

Sweet dreams tonight! :)

Holly said...

If I am in such a frenzy in the dead of night that I actually start to panic,... then I pick up a good book and try to make myself focus on reading it. (Other wise I can honestly bring myself to tears worrying about things that I don't have any control over.)

I am sorry that you suffer from anxiety. I deal with my own amount of it, and I have a sister in law who is in the hospital as I write this because her anxiety just became too much to bare. I know that it is a very real, very scary emotion. Like Diane said you have to make yourself focus on the positives. My mom always sais "don't borrow trouble". I think there is a lot of wisdom in that cute little bit of advice.

I love that you can look at the bright side that we always have tomorrow to try again. Problems always seem so much less ominous in te light of day!

Protege said...

Gal Friday, Batcat has no trouble at all sleeping.;) How did you know?;)
And yes, it is exactly like that, I wonder why 2am right? Is that some sort of magical hour? Everyone seem to be claiming to be wide awake suddenly at this time and then lying tossing around for hours; yep, right until the alarm goes off.;)
About the spring signs; it has been this way for the past 5 years or so now. Many of my bushes have buts. And my spring bulbs are impatiently growing as well. Despite what everyone might think, Danish winters are mild but very windy. However, comes February, we can get bad snowstorms and all the signs of sprig are gone again.
Thank you for your compliments on my humble collage.;))

Hilary, I know you would understand this and I hope life is smiling at you again today. Or at least trying to. I will be in touch.;)

Gufobardo, you have no idea how wonderful that invitation sounds like now! Sometimes I think I am living in the wrong part of Europe.;))
Thank you, I slept better today.;))

Julie, it is always nice when people can identify what I write. I will have to get my hands on the Tylenol!;))
Please do not tell me about sunshine and warmth, not you too.;)) And pool???!! Ha, we can at the best start thinking about pool and sea in July (if we are lucky).;)
Please enjoy that wonderful climate for me as well.;))

Mahmud, your wonderful intellect and experiences are always a welcome part of the comments I receive.;)) Yes, the change is constant and inevitable.
I am not sure how much self-control I have though, LOL. Very little, if you ask me. I am emotional and very “right in your face” type of woman.;) What you se is what you get.;)
Yes, I agree, Italy sounds dreamy.;))

Diane, I know you too experience nights when you too cannot sleep (and it has not all to do with Barnabas Collins;)).
I have had a period of the blues, but it has mostly to do with this terrible month called January. I will get better soon; thank you for being you, Diane.;)))

Mel, I have never tried meditation but have heard it is suppose to help. Also not just insomnia, but getting your feelings and anxieties, even in the “awoken” state, under control. Thank you so much for this suggestion, I might take you up on the offer of getting the info.;)))

Betsy, I slept much better this night, thank you.;)))

Holly, thank you so much for this positive comment and your understanding and recognition of fear that becomes panic at times.
I think your mom is very wise. I think with age we tend to worry more, as we have more to worry about.;)
Luckily my anxieties are not ruling my life (yet). I am trying very much to be positive and over all, I think I am. I guess we all feel in the dumps from time to time.
I always love your kind and sincere comments.;))