February 13, 2012

Current Contemplations.

I am starting my eighth month in a new home and yet if feels as if eternity has passed since July. Returning from vacation last summer, without much deliberation or discussions, we packed my old Toyota with a few necessities, not too mention Sammy - and that was it, I have moved. Some months after that my old house was rented out and simultaneously put up for sale.

It has all been easy and uncontrived. All the decision we make together come along naturally and are unforced. Even though our every day life is filled with problems, we seem to have the same outlook on life and share the same values and opinions on how to solve them. This fuels our passion for each other.

I truly do feel deeply loved and cherished. Oddly enough, the incredible respect with which I am being treated now keeps bringing to my recollection the terrible way I have been used and abused in my past.
I find it endlessly intriguing the way human psyche works and how we deal with the aftermath of the events in our life. Today I seem to be thinking a great deal about my loss, that devastating loss which I experienced last spring. The wound still runs too deep to reveal it's details in my writing, yet it is something that seems to haunt my mind currently.
This makes me struggle with an internal conflict over whether some people that cause us deep pain should never be forgiven and should only be forgotten. I hope one day I will come to that profound insight which will enable me to understand and finally forgive the actions of someone I trusted, but I am not there yet.

Fortunately I know that as winter moves into spring and into summer, even my recollection will dwindle and I will embrace my present and focus on my future.
One wonderful product of changes, among many, is that they force us to reevaluate our life and ourselves.  I believe our traits are a consequence of both our environment and our heritage. I know today I am a legacy of my past and the way I function is dictated by my experiences. At times I wish I would have been spared certain pain and setbacks, as it would have produced a much less complicated me. My personality is riddled with flaws that I have accumulated during troubled and sedative years in my past. There are aspects of my traits which have stagnated and are undeveloped and it is only now becoming clear to me how much I indeed yet have to learn. As I am exposed to new areas of my reality, I am forced to excel and extend the limit of my capabilities. At times this is slightly unnerving, but also endlessly exhilarating. I am still a student of life.

The lovely BPG shared a link to an intriguing article in one of her posts the other day. It listed the top five regrets people express when lying on their dead beds. A fascinating read.

This hit close to home for me somewhat as one of my relatives passed away recently. Riddled with disease, his ultimate years were a time of endless suffering. Yet the last time I saw him, he still had that spark of joie de vivre in his eyes. If anyone loved life and enjoyed living, it was him indeed. I bet he had no regrets at all.

His passing once again brought the thin line between life and death into my perception. It reinforced my perpetual belief in living each day as it was our last. The time we are given here is so very precious and incredibly fragile. Just the simple act of being alive is a miracle - how foolish it is to waste it away on petty worries and arrogant pursuits.
We arrive here with nothing and leave with nothing as well. All we own in the end are the memories and recollections that leave with us. Eventually the only riches that matters are the treasures we carry within.

In Memory Of J (1939-2012)

28 comments :

Kath said...

I am still a student of life.

I think we all are, our whole lives. It gives me great pleasure to hear the contentment in your writing and I marvel at how enthusiastic and generous you have been with us all, even when you were not happy yourself. As my old nan would say "That girl has a heart as big as a bucket". xx

Becky~ said...

I agree with kath up there.I feel like Im still learning about this thing called life.Sometimes when you feel you learned it all something else comes to mind and you have added but yet another to the list.

Its nice to hear you are blessed with happiness on your journey.I hope it always continues for you.

Blessings and hugs!

Brian Miller said...

smiles....you have certainly had your highs and lows zu...i will say i hope you come to that place of forgiveness (not necessarily forgetting as i think they are different) so that is not a weight that will follow you...i love your philosophy...every day to the full

Lynne said...

What a deep and thoughtful post. Lots to think about here. But what comes through to me is your strength through it all. Added to this now is that you're in a happier place.

ladyfi said...

What a lovely thoughtful post! You're right - the only treasures worth having are those we carry within.

I was terribly wronged and hurt a couple of years ago... I thought forgiveness would never be possible, but I see now that it is essential for MY well being (and not for the other person concerned).

Elizabeth said...

You truly are my little sis.

Sandy said...

It's hard not to have some regrets as one ages. Maybe it's because we know our days are numbered as each year ticks off. We realize we don't have 40 or 50 more years ahead of us to accomplish our all of our goals and dreams. Hubby and I are shocked when we realize we have been together over 40 years now. Then we think...how did our years go by so quickly? We spent them mostly working as everyone does...you have to earn money to live. We were hard workers but we didn't live just for work. So many men (and women now) can't seem to have an identify outside of their work and when they finally retire they don't know what to do with their time. Luckily we don't need "work" to structure our time. We have been busy since retirement spending more time doing the things we love and enjoy. I remember my Mother saying in her retirement years that she wished she didn't work all those years. Up until then she use to say the opposite. Another enjoyable post Zuzana. That's enough thinking for one morning. I'm off to grab my coffee and watch Downton Abbey on DVD. Have a lovely day!

Claus said...

Hey Zuzana! Thank you for your message! I am good, though away entirely from blogging. I'm living as away from the Internet as possible, and to be honest, I am enjoying it quite a lot! :o) I have taken different interests that are fulfilling my life in a different, yet nice way, and spending as much time with my family and with the real world. There are still a few holes I have no idea how to fill, but I try not to stress over it...or else, I will get myself again into that blue stage again; not a pretty place.
Anyway, thank you for remembering me! and I hope you are doing well!...much snow and cold I hear; it's unusually cold here as well, and we are all desperate for our sun and warm temperatures to come back. Take care! and we'll be in touch!

MarieHarmony said...

It is a beautiful and deep post Zuzana, very honest.
It is never easy to forgive, some things need more time than others. One day you feel it's the right time and you let go. But it's never easy.

Now I am happy to see you have a happy life, you know how to enjoy the little things and it makes all the difference.

May you keep your kind and pure heart, may you find your peace and continue to share your thoughts, your love for life.
Stay blessed my dear. xx

Myrna R. said...

Zusana, what a lovely post. You express so much truth here.

I hope your past wounds do heal and I agree with Brian about forgiveness. It's not something we do for the other person, but for ourselves in order to release that pain and go forward without that weight.

It's so nice how you recognize constantly your current happiness. How blessed you are, to live in gratitude.

May you have tons more blessings.

Salviano Adão said...

Much good perfection blog, boa they postact.
That the Sir our God comes to bless you still more.

LadyCat said...

We can forgive, but can't forget. Forgiving liberates us more than the one we forgive. It does take time, though.

Amanda said...

zuzana,

i am so sorry for the loss of your relative — and was saddened to also learn of the loss you experienced last spring and the deep wounds it caused you. i admire the way you maintain a philosophical outlook on life, and strive to enjoy each day as a new miracle. i have found that the act of being grateful itself allows us to experience the miraculous in life.

blessings to you for a beautiful week (and now i am off to see the chubby birds i missed in the last post! ;-)

xoxo
amanda

Mimi said...

Dear Zuzana, I'm so happy for you , that you feel deeply loved and cherished. You deserve it!
I think that when things don't go with us, are not easy for us and don't flow smoothly, we should question whether that thing we yearn for is really for us at all.
It's so nice to see that you'rein a good space now! Enjoy!!

Rahul Bhatia said...

A very nice post with message of how to value life:)

sprinkles said...

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Excellent reminder to live life to the fullest.

I identify with you so much. I think that's what keeps me coming back so much. We're so alike.

SandyCarlson said...

I am not there yet, either. I can connect with what you are saying. It is good to be respected and valued, isn't it? Bask in that. You are a beautiful person.

Margie said...

My friend, I hope by sharing your thoughts here, you eventually find closure for things that have caused you sadness in your past. Some things take more time than others.

Zuzu said...

Now you have someone who shows you what love should be. I am happy for you, Zuzana.
Happy Valentine's Day!
~ Zuzu

Rajesh said...

I am glad you have finally found true love and you are cherishing life. I wish you good life for ever.

Ash said...

Another beautiful, thoughtful post. You an inspiration, dear Zuz. I feel so much better about myself and life in general, everytime I read your posts. Thank you for being you.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Angela Bell said...

Zuzana,What can I add ? Everyone has expressed what I would like to have said. Forgiving people who betray us is very hard but it is the best thing to do if you can. Love to you.

SandyCarlson said...

Thanks for sharing your thoughts on the beach, friend. I remember all the time that you were once here. It's a special thing. Beaches are special places for so many reasons. I think we become aware of what is solid and firm by living amid what is ever changing, delicate, evanescent. To know and cherish both. That is something. It's magic.

Betsy said...

I'm so sorry for the loss of your loved one.

I, too, am trying to journey on with some deep wounds that haven't healed. Funny how the pain returns suddenly and is almost paralyzing and takes you by surprise. I do think forgiveness is the key to freeing yourself...but it must be allowed to happen in time and not forced. It doesn't mean you want to return to the past, but have no ill will to that person and you can move on without some kind of emotional control still holding you. I haven't arrived yet. As others said, it does take time, but I do feel I am moving forward.

What a beautiful post. I'm so glad you're happy and feel loved. :)

Marx said...

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Jill from Killeny Glen said...

Such wise words Zuzana. I am certainly going to go and read that other post...I am GREATLY intrigued.

May I add that when you are ready, forgiveness is so completely FREEING. I found it to be so...and then liberating. Whether the one that hurt you admits it or not, apologizes or NOT...for YOU to forgive and let go will only bring you peace!!

With love!
J

adrielleroyale said...

Oh my friend, the sooner you can choose forgiveness, the sooner those wounds will heal... It's so tempting to hold onto the pain and feel justified in our anger and hurt, but as LadyCat said, forgiveness is more for our own benefit then for theirs and will lead to such freedom in the end if we can allow ourselves to let go. Forgiveness is not saying that what they did was ok, it is saying "I'm letting you go so I can live", and as we Christians (those who have this wisdom anyway) would say "I'm releasing you to God who will deal with you much better than I ever could, so I can move on with my life." You are such a beautiful soul my friend, I know that you will not allow this to taint your life anymore and that you will choose the path of forgiveness (hopefully sooner rather than later) so that you can fully enjoy all that you have been given. Much love and blessings... :)

Hilary said...

Lovely post, dear Zuzana. I know and remember the pain and loss of which you speak. Time has a way of bringing that to the forefront as similar dates roll around. I think that if you mark that memory in some way, you'll always be able to hold dear to the part that was very special and let go of the anguish which was caused. I wish you weren't hurting but I know that you have much to discover now, as your life is evolving as it should.