January 23, 2012

Random Reflections.

I sit here with my cup off coffee, watching another midwinter morning unfold through the windows. It is going to be a cold but a sunny day, it seems. I am alone in the house, an occurrence quiet unusual to me presently - it is welcomed, but the perception that it will only last a few hours is also very comforting.
I do not miss the solitude of the single life at all. I miss perhaps having more time to write.

Time and its relativity is indeed what occupies my mind these days. Just a year ago I still lived in the white house on the hill, having an entirely different future ahead off me. It is only a year and yet it feels like another lifetime all together. Since I met the man to whom I have given my heart forever, I try to savour every single day as it was my last - I want my days with him to count and to be meaningful, as very soon we will be apart for months.

Our separation is on my mind constantly, even though I try to push it away. It will only last four months, yet because the past ten since he came into my life come across as an eternity, a time span longer than a week feels endless to me.
Thus comes May, I need to reorganize my life and have some projects planned to occupy my reality. One of them will be our garden. Our garden is wild and untamed and lets face it - barren. It needs desperately some attention and I will definitely be sharing with you this progress as soon as winter moves into spring.

I type this while I enjoy my morning coffee from a cup that was a Christmas gift from the children. I can say in no uncertain terms that it was the best gift I have received for a very long time - maybe ever - due to the sentiments with which it was given. It is a handmade cup with colourful drawings and writing all around. It states "Zuz, the best stepmother" and the word "dad" is written within a small red heart on the side. I still get teary eyes and a warm fuzzy feeling within when I hold it. I will never be a mom, something that is by now painfully obvious to me and this cup symbolizes that this as close to being a mother as I will ever be. It also reminds me of that single fact that families come in many different shapes and sizes and that I and Sammy have found ours.

Sammy, my bellowed feline companion is still around, if any of you wonder. He has fully adapted to his new home and has found new routines in an every day life. New places to nap at, new windows to watch the world from. New people to greet in the evening and new adventures to look forward to.
He - just like me, misses very little of the white house on the hill. The occasional sunset and my fireplace. That is about it. At times I miss some of my things in storage, still it is amazing how little we humans need to be happy. Material items and possessions bring only temporary satisfaction. Happiness lies in the things we do not own, but those we borrow and those we give away - joy, laughter, company and unconditional love, all locked into simple pleasures.

At times I lie awake in the night terrified. I am scared of loosing the happiness that is so infusing me today. I wonder so what I have done to deserve having so many wonderful people in my life all of a sudden and the thought of loosing them brings out the worst in me - my insecurities which arise from so many failed relationships and so many hardships in my past. Thus I fight a battle currently with myself, growing on a level I never had to before, simply by realizing that I am good enough and I deserve to be happy. Furthermore I try not to let past mistakes cloud my judgment and rule my present - I am learning how to trust again.

I have realized that I have spend my whole life looking for the ultimate security and it is dawning on me today that such thing does not exist. As the morning outside grows into the beginning of a new day, I will try to do the only thing that is my true prerogative - to seize this new day as it was my last and accept that life is unpredictable - which ultimately is its greatest allure.

"One has to abandon altogether the search for security, and reach out to the risk of living with both arms. One has to court doubt and darkness as the cost of knowing. One needs a will stubborn in conflict, but apt always to total acceptance of every consequence of living and dying."
Morris L. West


Kath said...

What a lovely thoughtful post, one I shall return to read again.
One thing's for certain, you can't make children love or even like you, which proves from their heart-felt gift that you are a person truly worth loving, but WE all knew that already!
Enjoy it all my lovely, it's no more than you deserve xx

Elizabeth said...

Beautiful post, gorgeous pictures and Batcat is included.

Have a wonderful start of your week and I'll talk to you soon.

tony said...

Good Morning Zuzana! Everything Changes:We Are Always in Motion (even on a Monday Morning!) Enjoy The Day!

Becky said...

Beautiful post Zuzana.Your so deep and intense with your feelings,lovely feelings written down.If I could only capture just a bit of the gracefullness you write with.Time moves on,ever changing,have a beautiful day my friend.

Anonymous said...

This is a beautiful and powerful post Zuzana and there are many things I can relate too. But you are right, you deserve this happiness and if God put you together on the same road, it means something.

This cup is wonderful and I understand your attachment to it, it's a lovely gesture and it represents a lot.

As fr separation it's never easy I can tell you. My husband and I have been away from each other for 2 months, then 10 days together and 2 other months. But know that each day gets you closer to the day you will see again. As for me this separation had taught me many things and I know the love we share is a true gift I want to enjoy more and more.

Take care and continue to write your thoughts, they inspire me a lot.

Brian Miller said...

first, i understand the seperation completely...having lived through a 8 month period of working apart from my fam...it was hell...so you have my prayers through there...

and ultimate security...it certainly does not exist in this world...not that i have found....

Jill from Killeny Glen said...

Zuzana...this is a post FULL of such wisdom and hope! The mug is so beautiful and I am so happy that you have found this place. I remind myself (as I fret and worry) that it is a WASTE of time and that I need to cherish THAT moment of THAT day. Thank you for reminding me TODAY.
With love, Jill

G said...

This is a beautiful and wise post. What insights you have discovered, dear Zuzana. :)

Reading Tea Leaves said...

It's so good to read your wise and reflective words again Zuzana.

I'm sure those four months will go very quickly, especially with your plans for the garden, I will follow your progress with interest.

Pretty mug, and it's good to see Batcat again. He must be completely at home by now.

Have a great new week.


Rahul Bhatia said...

Beautiful post Zuzana! It tells us to cherish our relations which the present offers us...really good..

Slamdunk said...

Your reflection is always inspirational Zuzana. Thanks for letting us tag along with you this morning.

Sandy said...

Separations are hard especially with your love ones. I know couples that have never been apart, for even one night, except for maybe hospital stays. I actually traveled more for business in our working days than my Hubby did...once for six weeks (luckily they let me fly home every other week for the weekend). I'm a home body and don't like to leave home. While your man is away work on that garden (of love), read some good books...maybe start a new hobby. Keep your spirits up. Home coming is beautiful especially with the man of your dreams.

Julie Hibbard said...

Brilliant and thoughtful and OH so hopeful! One day at a time, enjoying the present and staying CURIOUS at all times is the best way to live.
Thank you for the constant inspiration!

Bossy Betty said...

Oh Zuzana, sometimes I think you write these posts just for me.... I can't tell you how your journey and your reflections on it give me so much hope.

Anonymous said...

Another lovely, lyrical post! That adorable mug brought tears to my eyes. I too know that families come in many shapes and forms.

Myrna R. said...

Zusana, I spent a year apart from my husband when we were first married. I wish I could tell you that separation will be easy, that time will fly. At least for me, it didn't. It was so difficult. It's good that you're planning projects, because keeping yourself occupied will help.

Can't wait 'til you write about the reunion, which is perhaps the only good part of separation.

And, by the way, you certainly do deserve to be happy. Enjoy.

bright star said...

Dear Zuzana,at least we have the phone and the internet now so that you will be in contact.Not the same I know but better than before. There is no ultimate security and how I wish there were! Wemust try to live each day and love !

Hilary said...

That mug is just so beautiful. It proves there are so many ways to become a mother.

Anonymous said...

Beautiful post, Zuzana - so honest and loving. The little coffee cup is precious.
Happy week to you,

Anonymous said...

Separation is very difficult. We get used to having someone's presence. But you are wise to be making plans and projects to keep you busy. I look forward to reading about your garden.
Your mug is so sweet...gifts from the heart are to be treasured : )

Snowbrush said...

Zuzana, you write glowingly of your new life, yet you sound so tortured. I would be too though if Peggy were about to go away for four months.

Amanda Summer said...

as always, you are so wise, dear zuzana. we all wish for security but as the title of writer alan watts' book states, the wisdom of insecurity - becoming comfortable with the ambiguity is a deep wisdom, allowing us to celebrate the fullness of life.

the mug from your step children is precious - i can understand why it means to much to you. and so happy to see your kitty has made the transition to your new home as well.

blessings for a beautiful week.


sprinkles said...

Thank you for including a picture of BatCat. I think of him from time to time. Glad he's doing well and has settled in so nicely.

I've always found happiness to be short and fleeting. I hope it won't be that way for you this time.

That's a great mug from the stepkids! I can tell they put a lot of thought into it. And you never know, you may have one of your own someday!

Sônia Pachelle said...


I remembered reading the text of a great love, and a separation that is still hurting, day after day, and there is nothing to do.

Live your love, share, be happy every minute.

Our time is fleeting, fast.


Anonymous said...

Such a poignant post Zuzana. My wish is that you truly start believing you deserve all the good things that have come your way, letting go of the fear they will disappear. Live in the present. The past is past. It is clear you have a heart that is true. Sometimes it takes a while for life to get it right. But you know the saying, "better late than never". For sure my friend, for sure. Dreams do come true.


SandyCarlson said...

You are such a beautiful lady. Be strong!

Margie said...

That mug is beautiful just like you are!
You are blessed to have all that you have in your new family.
And they are blessed to have you!
Embrace the joy!

Beautiful post, Zuzana.

Margie xo

Maggi said...

A beautiful, thought provoking post.

elaine said...

It is true that little things mean a lot it is good that you have such happiness.

Rajesh said...

Interesting thoughts. I am sure gardening will keep you occupied.

Donna said...

Everything will be fine, Zuzana, just believe in it. I love the coffee cup, what a wonderful gift.


Sharon Lovejoy said...

So much to ponder. I love this.

Sending warm hugs across the cold miles,


A Lady's Life said...

I guess this proves that the best things happen to those who wait lol
So true. no such thing as security in life. We live one day at a time and nothing is written in stone.
I am so happy for you Zuzana, that finally you have found a place to call your true home.Children are always a blessing and these children love you.
God bless.:)

S. Susan Deborah said...

Zuzana, a very tender and honest post. Somehow it seems that in this post, you have bared your soul to the reader and that you are talking to each of us individually. I can actually visualise you sitting in front of me and looking at me with those beautiful haunting eyes and narrating a chapter in the book of your life. I can see a tear that threatens to fall when you talk of the separation but you carefully don't let that tear drop. I hold your hands and let you know that four months will fly and what a surprise you will give Peter when he sees the lovely garden. He will be proud of his lady. The children will try their best to make your days happy and gay.

Zuzana, I am glad that you are blest with a lovely family (including Batcat). Home is where love is and you are safe in the haven. May is still far away, until then, you savour the days with your beloved.

I loved this candid post :) Makes me know you more.

Big hugs and much love,

Radka said...

Ahojky Zuzko, přeji hezký den. Ahoj Radka.

adrielleroyale said...

Dear friend don't let fear ruin the sweetness of these treasured moments, nor the new joy of little feet pitter pattering in the house. Take each day as it comes, one at a time :) Soak it up and smile often! :)

steviewren said...

I think all women long for security and to be needed and loved. Nothing to apologize in that. Remember that no amount of worrying can change the future. Live everyday. Love everyday. Know how blessed you are. You deserve it all.

Changing the subject...have you been able to view the spectacular Northern Lights display that I've been reading about this week? That is something I would LOVE to have the opportunity to observe one day.

SandyCarlson said...

I wish you peace and patience!